Life's Unstable Yet Stable Tale
by taylorandmacster10
Summary: Watkin Tudor Jones poetically once said that, "the only real things in life is the unexpected things. Everything else is just an illusion." This is a Jay whump story but in a whole other way. This is a story of perseverance, resilience, friendship, love.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- Blessing Oddly Disguised

**A long time ago in another season of writing a very sweet reader reached out to me with the idea for this story. Of course, I cannot for the life of me find the message. But regardless, thank you, you, for trusting me with such a deep and current and difficult topic. When I first read it I knew two things: the research was going to be a lot and I had to give my full effort. This topic has effected tens of millions of people around the world. Everyone has a personal tie to it in some way. With such a potentially wide, well informed audience writing this in a half-ass way wasn't an option. So for the last couple of weeks I've been staying up till the early hours of the morning, eventually falling asleep to videos, medical journals, and countless articles pertaining to the topic. But through it I've developed a newfound appreciation, admiration, and empathy for those have been in the battlefield, doing their absolute best to come away victorious. This story is dedicated to those who have fought and won, those who are currently battling, those who will take up the fight one day, and those the world has tragically and unexpectedly lost. I love, support, and applaud every one of you. **

The rain puddle was the perfect circumference of a soccer ball. It's circular shape was a backward reflection of the above, revealing the crystal clear, cerulean shaded sky. In this mirror you could make out a single, extra fluffy cloud. The puddle was from an early morning rain storm, quite common for this time of year. The shower gave way to the stunning, clean atmosphere. It's a beautiful metaphor for life. Sometimes our lives need to be showered, drenched in unpleasant and scary things in an effort to clear the grime and gunk, rid ourselves of the thing that's harming or tying us down. Sometimes we are aware of the need for that downpour, other times it comes up out of nowhere. But afterwards, we learn it was the exact thing we needed. When the rainfall is a mere dripping, or the sun finally breaks through, the beauty and pureness of things are revealed, making that small, dreadful thing worth while. But in actuality, this was just a calm puddle that was all too soon interrupted by the striking of a size ten boot.

"50-21 George, suspect is running down Monroe Street on the rooftops. We need air support and backup now!" What began as a simple search warrant manifested into a full on obstacle course. The chase began in the West End on a quiet street in a still house was now a tear through, or should we say, crashing over more populated areas. The group bolted down side alleys and through people's backyards. The perp wove them through businesses setting up shop on the sidewalk and weaving through crosswalks and school zones, ignoring the yelling and honking car horns. They climbed to the roofs about three blocks ago. Jay had his hand on the perp on one of the fire escapes before being kicked to a landing, grunting and cursing as he caught back up with the perp. The guy was fast, clearly trained in some crazy karate skill. His movements were fast, fluid, and perfect. Despite Jay's best efforts he could only keep pace with the guy, never advance far enough to take him down.

The rooftops acted like launching pads, tan colored trampolines that propelled each man to the next square, each praying a large space came for the other person. This area of the city was at lower heights, appearing as mere molehills looking up to their sky scraping counterparts. The Sears Tower felt to be a large boost away, just trees and a park away from landing on one of its' spires. People were shouting, honking car horns at the sight above them. This was a quiet, suburban area, the last place you'd expect to see a Jason Bourne type chase at eleven thirty in the morning. But that's what the day had in store and that was the job for today. Jay just ignored everything, eyes glued to the target at the other end of the roofline.

"Jay, wait!" Adam was told to follow the two men, regretting his eagerness at the beginning of the chase. They'd been going for ten, fifteen minutes now, Adam learning the hard way just how out of shape he was compared to the two people ahead of him. He watched the perp fly over the rooftop space, breathing a small sigh of relief when the guy cleared the roofline by a couple feet. Jay was on the other side seconds later. Adam stopped, taking a breath before building up the momentum for the leap. The roof Jay and the perp were on had structures, rooftop access doors and large exhaust stacks and chimneys. The speediness and quick thinking the perp had Jay scrambling, reaching for his gun as he slowed to a brisk walk. Adam never lost sight of him, also wondering where the crazy ninja had disappeared to.

"You see him, Adam," Jay spoke into the radio?

"No," Adam replied, upping his speed and closing his eyes as he made the jump onto the roof. He watched Jay venture around one of the stacks, crawling and darting before moving another step. Adam had drawn his gun as well, aimed just enough to where he could quickly make a move. He was a couple feet away from Jay when it happened. Jay was at a corner of the rooftop access, perhaps a foot in open air when something black and cylindrical flew his way. In a blink Jay was exhaling hard and had collapsed on the ground, completely out cold.

…

It felt to be hours later when he resurfaced, staring straight up at the sky and squinting against the sun's strength. People were shouting, words mumbled but the tone said it was serious. The strength was gone, Jay was impressed to still be alive and functioning. Whatever hit him felt to be in the dump truck range. Another blink brought things into perspective. Jay maneuvered his head to see Adam pointing a gun at someone, a female voice echoing what Adam was saying. Jay moved a foot, grabbed for his sore chest before forcing himself to sit up. The act revealed Hailey putting cuffs on the perp, Adam keeping his gun pointed at the guy till he was secured and handed off to a waiting officer. Then the attention turned to Jay.

"Don't get up," Hailey told him, was at his side within five strides. Jay had no clue where she came from, wasn't even aware she was within the vicinity of the chase. Jay didn't move, just kept blinking, thinking his concussed mind was imagining her there. But a soft, warm touch on his arm told him otherwise.

"Where did you come from?"

"Cars exist," she joked.

"Hey, that was a nasty hit. How do you feel," Adam asked? Jay responded by moving into a kneeling position, hating himself for that idea. The vision became blurry, the whole body felt to be seconds away from going limp again. Hailey and Adam grabbed an arm, coaxing Jay back into lying on his back, much to Jay's dislike.

"Guys, I just passed out. I'm fine."

"You got hit in the chest with a crowbar. Probably had the wind knocked out of you. You need to take a minute, Jay." While he would never admit it, Jay was thankful for the forceful push back to the ground. It was true, he did have the wind knocked out of him. He felt like crap and exhaustion to say the least. The three of them sat for a couple minutes, all of them catching their breath and doing a mental rewind to what went down. It's not everyday you do what they just did, so one must take time to inventory the hectic-ness that transpired. Jay's little laugh is what got things moving forward again.

"Haven't done that in awhile," Jay laughed.

"Awhile? What, is this some kind of exercise for you?" Jay shrugged.

"I'm ready to sit up," he announced in an annoyed way. Hailey and Adam took a portion of his back and sat him up, rising before extending a hand for Jay to grab. It felt weird to be on two feet again, the legs wobbling before the strength kicked back in. Jay took a couple steps before his assistants were at his side, hovering hands over him as he ventured toward the exit.

"You need to be checked out," Hailey commented.

"I'm fine," the feeble and pained one shot back.

"Jay, she's right. You could have a concussion, cracked or broken ribs, internal bleeding.."

"-Guys, I'm fine. Nothing a good night's sleep won't fix."

"Yes, which is why you're barely moving and hissing with each breath." It was entirely true and Jay knew it, sighing and huffing at what he knew was coming next.

"Fine, but twenty bucks says it's nothing."

"Well, better to be safe than sorry," Adam replied when they all made it to the street. Jay was rested on a bench near the curb, accompanied by Adam till Hailey rolled around the corner in the truck. The two of them offered Jay a boost to the truck and he accepted. The pain and lack of air was felt when he rested against the passenger seat, refusing to admit he looked forward to getting the rest of the day off. Adam waved farewell to them as they disappeared around the corner, fifteen minutes till Will freaked out over nothing. Jay used to time to rest his head against the passenger side window and fall asleep. He was fully aware of the danger in doing that, but sleep always won out.

…

"What happened," Will spoke as he jogged to the truck. Jay was just waking up, Hailey filling Will in on the details as Jay unbuckled and faced his brother. The worry was littered all over his face, the scrunched brow and fleeing normal skin color evidence of that.

"Just had the wind knocked out of me. I'm fine," Jay spoke, doing his best to smile against the medium grade pain in his chest.

"Yeah, sure," Will replied. He helped Jay out of the truck and pointed him to a wheelchair, which naturally Jay ignored. He walked ahead of the group, stopping at the ED doors and waiting for someone to check him in. Paperwork was filled out and a doctor was assigned before long, Ethan guiding everyone to Trauma Four.

"Take a seat," he told Jay, who quickly obeyed. In cases like these, the best way to get out of things quickly was to do as told. It was a ginger move but Jay was soon sitting on the bed, feet hanging over as Ethan rubbed hand sanitizer on his palms.

"Do you want them here," he asked while pointing to Will and Hailey? Jay nodded.

"It's fine." Maggie stuck her head in the room, thrusting an iPad in Will's hand.

"Trauma Three, kid swallowed five marbles. Natalie needs some assistance. Hey Jay, you're in good hands." Will hesitated, looking down at the device before facing his brother.

"Like she said, I'm in good hands. Go. I'll see you before I leave." Will stood there for a moment, eventually nodding before disappearing behind the curtain. Hailey occupied Will's now vacant spot, acting as a wall flower at this point.

"So, what happened" Ethan asked?

"Was chasing a perp, got hit by something hard and passed out. Woke up a couple minutes later I think." Ethan turned to look at Hailey who added more details.

"It was a crowbar and he was out for three minutes. When he woke up he was pretty weak and groggy." Ethan nodded, documenting everything in the iPad before continuing. From there the initial concussion tests were done, asking Jay a million question before having him perform small, random movements. The result was a normal concussion, not serious enough to keep him for observation but enough that would earn him a week off of work.

"Can you take your shirt off? I need to check for internal injuries and broken ribs." Jay did as was instructed, wincing as he lifted the article of clothing over his head and handing it off to Hailey. What was revealed to the room was startling. A large, reddened mark was painted across the middle of Jay's chest, about halfway down and about six inches away from the belly button. Jay did a once over of himself before lying back, now convincing himself things looked a lot worse than they actually were.

If there was music, this would be the time to cue the dramatic, scary track. Ethan was feeling around the upper chest and abdomen region, talking about sports and the day with Jay when he hesitated. His eyes went wide before resuming their normal appearance. There was an enlarged lump in the armpit, causing his train of thought to stop as he moved up to the neck, digging a couple fingers into the base of Jay's neck. His search revealed more enlarged bumps, perhaps one of the biggest tells for the disease. The acting skills were crap, Jay picking up that things weren't normal.

"What," he stupidly, jokingly asked, fully knowing something was off. Ethan blinked, shook his head as he wrapped up the exam before sitting Jay up.

"We're going to do a quick x-ray, just to check if anything is broken. Unfortunately Hailey, you'll have to stand outside for this." Perhaps her experience with Ethan wasn't as seasoned as Jay's, or she refused to let Jay know she saw the bad reaction, but Hailey began moving without protest.

"How long do you think it'll take?"

"Not too long. A couple minutes. You're more than welcome to wait in the lounge. I'll have him get you when we're done." Hailey looked to Jay again, like she was looking for weakness or hints. When Jay gave her nothing she nodded, turning away from the group and disappearing down the walkway.

"So what's going on?"

"Just being thorough," Ethan responded as the x-ray machine was rolled in and set up. Medical people donned the proper gear as the big, square object was aligned with Jay's chest. It rattled and clunked above Jay's head, the ancient sound forcing him to close his eyes through the procedure. Moments later things were pushed away, Jay resting against pillows and blankets as Ethan took a seat on a stool, staring at the image downloading on the screen in front of him. While the x-ray revealed nothing was broken, something far more serious flashed across. Above and below the diaphragm were lit up like Christmas tree lights, a bright white shade against the duller, greenish shades of the body. His suspicion was horrifically seeming to be true. No longer was the acting necessary. He pushed the screen away from him, looking to Jay and breathing before speaking.

"What," Jay asked again, his tone far more concerned this time.

"Have you noticed that you've lost any weight recently?" What he didn't tell Jay was that he looked thinner. Not to a point of worry, but he was more streamlined, flatter than his normal appearance. It was another ploy to see if his suspicions were true.

"Um, yeah. But it's been a crazy, nonstop summer. Just thought it had to do with that." Ethan nodded, scrolling and typing in his iPad before continuing.

"What about night sweats?" Jay nodded, beyond concerned and nervous now.

"And I have to ask. Did your mother die from cancer?" Jay's eyes went wide, now piecing things together.

"Hold on, I think we're taking things a little too far. I just came in here for bruised ribs and a concussion. This is all.."

"-Jay, what kind of cancer was it?" Jay stopped, the two men locked looks with each other. Without a word spoken, both came to a quick agreement. This was real and it was happening. Denial wasn't going to work.

"Breast cancer." Ethan nodded, turning the x-ray results towards Jay and pointed to the extra bright spots.

"These spots indicate swelling of the lymph nodes. Given your family history and symptoms we need to begin the diagnosis process. I'm going to refer you to an oncologist here. She's the best in the region."

"An oncologist. So…it's cancer?" Ethan shrugged.

"It's not definite. But you need to rule that out before dealing with other things."

"Can you just tell me honestly, do you think it's that?" Ethan looked back at the screen, stared for a couple seconds before facing Jay.

"It's pretty likely." Jay's face dropped. He leaned back as best he could and rubbed his eyes, half thinking this all was a nightmare. People his age typically don't hear that kind of news, especially in the shape he was in. He'd gone down this road before, but joined it as a bystander and at the very end. Disbelief is the perfect word to define this moment. It was something he never envisioned having to go through, not even a blip on his life radar. Yet, here he was appearing very likely to be staring the big one, the C-word right in the eyes.

"I can schedule a biopsy for you tomorrow with Rhodes. It's the best way to confirm things. We can send the results to the doctor before you see her. I can also schedule an appointment for you after the procedure." Jay just blanked out, didn't show an emotion or speak a word. Appeared to be in another mindset or time to the uninformed eye.

"Jay," Ethan spoke, placing a hand on Jay's forearm.

"Do I have to tell them? They're going to find it weird when I don't show up for work tomorrow." Ethan smirked, delighted there was still humor in the shocked one.

"You have the week off, remember?" Jay looked up, rolling his eyes over his forgetfulness. He nodded, laughing as he rubbed his eyes.

"I'm looking out for you." The laughter died down, Jay not sure if that was the appropriate or inappropriate remark, but took it nonetheless.

"Schedule the procedure. Let's get this rolling." Without even knowing what all he was going to endure the following day, Jay signed his life away, admitted himself to people much wiser and able than he. But in situations like this it didn't help to keep the ghosts hidden in the closet. There was a problem and the light of truth had to be utilized in an effort to reveal things. He was scared, unsure, not ready for what was to come, but clung to one thing: this was the stable moment; best to relish it before things became the polar opposite.

"I'm sorry, Jay," Ethan spoke when he was halfway out the doorway.

"Yeah. If Will isn't busy can you bring him in when you come back?"

"Absolutely." The room, the whole building became quiet, remembrance level quiet. Jay looked out to the world, catching quick glances from doctors, nurses, and people floating by and around the room. In a way, Jay was convicted they all knew. That in the brief moments the idea exhaled out of Ethan's mouth the walls of the place echoed them into the hallways and rooms, telling the sad tale of his impending future. Jay hated what was likely to come, feared the reality he was about to endure. Being an independent person, help wasn't going to be accepted easily. He'd be going against every fiber of his being, relying on other's to intervene, save him when he couldn't. He knew the side effects, was fully aware of the absolute hell that all too likely faced him, but the threat of no longer being able to care and fight for himself is what scared him the most. But through it all, there was this peace, this odd ambience about him. This was just another bump in the road, a portion of the path that was going to be treacherous. A song popped into his mind with lyrics that seemed to fit the mood.

"Were we the belly of the best or the sword that fell? Oh, we'll never tell." The lyrics come from _The Stable Song_. It's a story of being so sure of oneself, life is on an upward trajectory and everything is stable. However, when a storm comes, the faith and foundation of the writer is tested, seeing them hit rock bottom. The end result is them picking themselves back up, returning to their strong, able self again. Jay was at the beginning of the storm, the forward of the testing's story being written. This would certainly try him, probably bring him to the absolute worst place he'd ever been. But he had to hang tough, fight till the moment he returned to this present, free state. The path was hidden for the moment but he was ready; plain and simple. He smiled through closed eyes, choosing to ignore the tears. Oddly, he was thankful for the attack on that roof because without it, he'd be in a whole other, more serious place down the road. A concerned, quiet voice disrupted his little moment.

"Jay?" An eye was cracked open, showing a nervous Will at the corner of the bed. Jay nodded, sat up, before responding.

"We need to talk. I think it's pretty serious."

**Research taught me many things, but one thing greatly stood out: everyone's story and situation is unique. From the diagnosis to treatment and results, everyone has a different story. Certainly, the way Jay initially figured things out isn't the norm, but it fits him. This chapter was about setting the foundation, readying Jay for what is to come. This was about getting that initial, out-of-nowhere bluntness that comes with this type of diagnosis. The next chapter we'll see more of the medical side of things, a more proper procedure to figuring out what is going on. I hope you guys liked this, as best as anyone can. This is going to be a tough one and I appreciate you guys for reading this. Let's all get through this together.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- The Results Are In

**Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for your feedback. I knew this story was going to be hard for a lot of people and I was nervous you guys would hate me, but once again you've proved me wrong. I'm going to do my absolute best to shed light on each step of the journey, truly flesh out what this whole process looks like from both the patient and family member/friend perspective. Alright, let's start getting into the medical side of things. **

_"__Hey it's the end of the world, now, haven't you heard so smoke 'em if you've got them boys and girls." _

"Shut up," Jay mumbled into his pillow while mashing the alarm button on his phone, chucking the device to the end of the bed with enough force for the thing to leap a foot high in the air. Looking back, he realized that was the worst song to wake up to this morning. But in his defense the song selection was made at three in the morning under a heavy bout of insomnia. Still, he mentally argued, his deprived mind could've and should've chosen something better for what the day had in store. This week had been coined as 'the gauntlet.' Today's double biopsy procedures were just the beginning. Tomorrow afternoon Will would be dragging Jay's post surgical body back to the hospital for numerous scans, blood draws, and bodily pokes and prods. After that those in the know of things would painstakingly wait five days for the appointment with the oncologist to presumably have the floor dropped out from under them. Now normally people undergoing the diagnosis process for cancer do not have everything done in a week. What usually takes weeks was going to be done in days, Jay's gifted week off and uncertain work hours heavily playing into the decisions for the next few days. They all knew it was going to be a lot, but as Jay perfectly put it, things just needed to get going. There wasn't a point in delaying the inevitable.

Sleep did not come to either of the Halsteads last night. Jay rolled over onto his back and stared straight at the ceiling, internally replaying the prior afternoon and night's events for the thousandth time. It began with the conversation with Will. Things weren't sugar coated nor was there hesitation from Jay. It was simple. It was to the point. It lacked any emotion.

"Ethan found something on the x-ray and we're pretty sure it's cancer. He's scheduling some biopsy tomorrow with Rhodes." Will was obviously and understandably shocked. He was in disbelief that things shifted that quickly and out of nowhere. Will was totally surprised Jay was so calm and almost relieved to be delivering such news. The brain began to play out the first mental snapshots of what could happen in the not-so-distant future. Jay just stared at him for a minute or so, allowing him that opportunity to feel things, process the crushing news. His first reaction was to sit at the end of the bed, mouth gaping open as he slowly nodded. The big one, the C-word, affecting another one of his family members. Life was playing a horrific game with him.

"Will, say something." His reaction was to look up at his brother, capture that snapshot of him because this was it. Perhaps one of the last times his brother would look and be normal. From here on out he'd be a number, a statistic. A person who would be have a massive six letter word precede him. Here, in this ED room he was healthy, oddly happy, and just a person. Oh how quickly that would all change. Will got up and hugged his brother, literally choking away tears as the two of them rocked in unison. Will knew the fear was there, but also realized they both had to lean on the other.

"I know," Jay spoke into Will's shoulder. Will just nodded. There wasn't a word or phrase to make things go away. They were in this together. Before long Ethan returned, filling Jay in on 'the gauntlet' and all its' characteristics. It was a lot of information for anyone to deal with at once, but Jay totally accepted it. Paperwork was quickly and willingly signed, all of them pausing to feel the mood. The winds had changed, seeming to be pushing them straight into the eye of the monster. Jay was discharged several minutes later, setting him up for the worst part of the whole day: Hailey.

She was sitting on the edge of her seat, literally. Jay opened the door, ignoring the twinge of pain from the stiff ribs and lungs. Her face lit up, the body springing from her seat as she gently landed in his arms. Clearly her brave face disappeared when she left the ED, her reaction to seeing Jay proof of that. The two of them stood in the middle of the doctor's lounge, just enjoying the safety and quietness of the moment.

"Is everything ok? I feel like that shouldn't have taken so long." Here was the first dilemma of the event: to lie or tell the truth. Jay hated hiding things from the team, especially Hailey. After all they'd been through, grown from each other's downfalls, the last thing he wanted to do was revert to his old ways. But the voice of his conscious told him to hesitate, argued that there wasn't a point in worrying people over a possibility. The time for confessions could and should be put on hold for another point in the journey. So resisting the urge Jay wove around the known.

"Just wanted to be thorough. No broken bones or structural damage." Hailey took a step back, performed one of her signature scans of him before accepting his words. At the time Jay wasn't sure if she chose to ignore the diversion of things or truly believed him, but that was his story and he was going to cling to it for as long as possible.

"Let's get you home, to a week off of work," she jokingly poked. Jay laughed, advancing towards the door and holding it open for her. The two of them waved to Will, Maggie, Ethan and the rest of the staff. Jay saw the shock in all of them, felt the sympathy in their looks. He hated it all, despised now being that person. He waved to them, tipped the hat to their acting skills as he ventured into the waning sunlight.

On the ride to his place Voight contacted Hailey, telling her to speed her plans along. The case they were working on that day had matured into an Everest sized case. Apparently the guy Jay chased was the tip of the iceberg, a small pawn in a life-size chess game. Jay was appreciative for the distraction, the two of them talking about the case rather than his day. By the time they pulled to the curb he'd all but forgotten what lay ahead, thankful for that blip of normalcy. It would be something he'd cling to, a fragment of life he could escape to when things became too overwhelming. He waved to Hailey and joked about the late mornings and vacation plans he had before they separated. As Jay watched the truck disappear around the corner a thought hit him: the next time he climbed the Intelligence steps, the next reunion with the team, he'd know his fate. Shivers ran all over his body, propelling him to race to the comforts of his home. However, the place transitioned into a torture chamber.

Silence was deadly. Jay opened his front door to absolutely nothing. Things were in place, but it felt as if nothing was right. Last moments, final thoughts or chores danced in his head as he worked through the place. Changing into clothes brought forth ideas of what he'd wear when he felt like crap. Furthermore, would he even be able to dress himself, have the energy and wherewithal to brush his teeth and wash his face each morning. Dinner stirred up negative emotions, realizing he now needed to think of foods he'd like to have come back up, thoughts on what would be good for his deteriorating GI tract. The more he sat in the place the more he felt dirty, filthy. The next hours he cleaned, thoroughly. Taking things a room at a and going from the top downward. Cleaning was a distraction, something he could do to improve his life. He was elbow deep in leftovers when Will's first text came through.

"How are you doing?" Jay rolled his eyes, feeling the damage and upturn he'd brought into their lives. Nothing was going to be the same, he all too soon concluded.

"Fine," was he all he could respond. A million questions and responses were at the forefront of his mind, but the last thing he wanted to do was worry Will even more. So when the same text message came through at half hour intervals, about the time it took between seeing patients, Jay always responded with the same response, hoping to reestablish normalcy in their relationship. This was going to be a change, it wasn't going to be a permanent residency.

Jay plunked into bed around midnight, the cleaning items put away and his body exhausted. Tossing and turning were the main attractions that night, sleeping playing a supporting role. Things kept replaying in his mind, random sights and sounds at that. A trip to the Wisconsin woods with their father, a Sunday afternoon sloth fest with Will, watching cartoons and a Cubs game. His first deployment, the moment he saw his mother when he returned, everything was random yet sensical. It told the tale of a life, an adventurous and harrowing one at that. There were highs and lows, moments of uncertainty and glimpses of absolutely self assuredness. This was when the tears fell for the first time, Jay not ready for this upcoming entity to be his curtain call. He knew the likelihood of that, was fully aware of what those final days and months could look like. He looked straight up at his ceiling and prayed, begged for this to not be the beginning of the end. The three AM hour was when he rolled over, set his alarm for four hours from then, before slowly running his nails on his side.

"Just breathe, just breathe," he reminded himself as sleep finally, mercifully won.

All of this played out in his mind, the guilt being spread on extra thick this time around. His dangling phone buzzed against the sheets, the shock and surprise radiating through his body as he looked at the time: 7:30AM. He'd been staring at nothing for half an hour without even realizing it.

"Leaving," Will texted? Jay was falling out of bed in a sprint when he responded.

"In a couple minutes." It was time to get his sentencing process on the road.

…

"You're late," Will greeted him. He was pacing outside the ED entrance when Jay jogged around the corner, silently smacking his brother for eating and drinking coffee in front of him. Those two acts Jay hadn't done since midnight, a requirement of the surgery this morning.

"The train got delayed at Washington/Wells." Will peered his eyes, completely not buying the reason.

"Yeah, sure."

"Hey, they can't do the biopsy without me so it's fine." Will sighed, throwing his bagel wrapper in the trash before heading towards the sliding doors.

"Let's head on up." The same faces that bid farewell to him yesterday were present today, but not. Their pity riddled, glum expressions were traded in for optimism, actually smiled and nodded their heads in encouragement. It appeared everyone had gotten over the shock hump, amazing what time and sleep could accomplish. The Halsteads boarded the elevator in normal fashion, Jay nervously looking from the illuminated buttons to the screen on the wall, exhaling at every other floor change. Will glanced over at him when the doors opened and rolled his eyes, relishing in the rare opportunity to have the upper hand on his brother. The large, white lettering of Pre-Op greeted them at the end of the elevator hallway, smiling faces and quiet voices greeting the latest visitors. The series of first came next. The first hospital band was wrapped and secured on Jay's wrist, the first civilian to patient transition took place, and the first IV was uneventfully inserted. The whole thing took twenty minutes, Will easily and weirdly taking his seat in the family member location: the chair to the right of the gurney. Jay was mesmerized by the fluids dripping into the IV port, fully feeling the weight and significance of where he was and what it all meant. In all actuality he was looking forward to getting some serious sleep for a couple hours. Rhodes popped into the room a couple minutes before it was showtime.

"Ready?" Jay nodded, looking to Will as the last of his coffee was gulped.

"Just pour it on."

"What?" Jay pointed to the coffee cup, throwing his arms out like he was waiting for Will to figure things out. He face turned crimson when he figured it out, hiding the cup in the corner of the chair. Conner brought things back to seriousness.

"Alright, do you know what you're having?"

"An open biopsy and a bone marrow biopsy," Jay replied, watching the OR nurse pull out some medication and load a syringe.

"Good. We'll be taking at least half of one of your lymph nodes in your armpit, maybe more depending on what we find when we get in there. The bone marrow will be extracted from your hipbone. The whole things should take an hour and a half, tops. And then you get to spend a couple hours in post-op before we ship you out of here."

"How bad is the bone marrow thing going to hurt," Jay asked, watching the nurse now stick the syringe in his port.

"You'll be sore for a couple days, probably bruised for a week or so, but you won't need anything stronger than Tylenol." The relaxant the nurse inserted was running free in Jay's system, his delayed head nod and floating sensation making him aware of this truth. From this point things became quick moments. Jay vividly recalls saying goodbye to Will, distinctly remembers entering the OR for the first time. He was impressed he made the switch to the table in his incapacitated state without an accident. Afterwards there's a massive blackout before someone told him to breathe normally, Jay laughing and nodding his way into the unknown. His last thought pertained to what he'd eat when he woke up. Little did he realize this was the time and place his life would make the big turn.

…

He was spacing out, almost day dreaming as he listened to some older couple lovingly banter. They were discussing the husband's inability to listening to the wife, obey when she swore there was something wrong.

"Forty-seven years of marriage and he's still just as stubborn as the day we met. Has had this cough for a month and insists its' nothing. It took me threatening a week on the couch for him to finally cave." Their laughter and hand holding is what snapped Will out of his dismal brain freeze, his half smirk and head nod doing just enough to convince them he wasn't ignoring them. The horror in knowing everything was kicking him in the butt. As he placed his stethoscope around his neck and typed on the iPad his mind was elsewhere. More specifically, in OR room three where Jay was slumbering, being sliced and dissecting as he dreamed. Having done several biopsies in his surgical days, he was fairly confident what stage of the procedure Jay was going through. Knowing what he knew, and having seen the act countless times, tying Jay's face into things was rather trippy, awful to say the least. The waiting room idea was acted out for about ten minutes, the dreaded silence and aloneness telling him to move, get out of that nightmare inducing room. His body dragged him down to the ED, hunting for sick people and things that could distract him. He saw the older couple sitting in the waiting room and practically yanked them out of there.

"Well it's a good thing you came in," Will automatically replied, the words coming out before the conviction took hold. The couple's loving demeanor changed, a little on edge with Will's lack of happiness or positivity.

"Is it bad? Oh Clifford, it's lung cancer. I told you to stop smoking those things years ago!" Will's head shot up, swearing he heard a crack from behind from the jerk reaction.

"Oh no. No, no, it's not cancer. Just an infection most likely. The cough coupled with the low grade fever and pale skin means this was probably a cold that ran its' course, turning into an infection like pneumonia." Will's smile was awful, not being bought by anyone who knew him. April was tucking Clifford back in bed when she saw the lackluster smile, silently folding into the fetal position for Will. Of all days, today wasn't the day to hear someone else say that word. But Clifford and Eleanor didn't know Will so his valiant yet terrible efforts were scooped up.

"I'm going to check on the cultures and blood tests and order a chest x-ray. We'll try to get you guys out of here shortly." Will didn't wait to hear the thank you, practically flung the iPad on the counter before darting for the doctor's lounge. It was all too much. The world slowly, heavily collapsing on him. The air was suffocating, pushing him deeper into the floor. He found a corner of the room and shrank, wishing to trade places with Jay, do anything to stop the avalanche that was beginning its' descent. His world felt to be ending, a permanent black cloud positioning itself over him. His body shook, shivered as the tears finally burst out. The cries were loud, the fear ripping out of his chest and into the atmosphere of the place. Time was lost track of, Will not sure if he'd been in that position for a month or twenty seconds.

"Will," squeaked out from the glass door. Will didn't bother to stop his outpour of things. Natalie wouldn't care in the least. Her soft and strong embrace found him shortly after she called out, the two of them soon enjoying a deep, therapeutic cry session. If there was ever a time for it, now was the opportune moment. The last thing Will wanted was for Jay to see or hear him being anything but strong and supportive. Now was the time to let everything out. This was the perfect place to feel things. From here on out those moments would all too likely be few and far between.

"Do you want me to go upstairs with you," she breathed into his ear sometime later?

"No. It's…awful up there. I can't just sit around. Plus I'm on the clock." Natalie pulled away from him, just enough to where she could wipe under his eyes and admire, noting the equal amounts of bravery and fear. He was trying, no one expected more from him.

"I thought Sharon gave you the day off?"

"I didn't want it. He's only going to be up there for a couple of hours and I need to save those days for later down the road." Natalie cocked her head, slowly exhaling over Will's quick conclusion of the future.

"You don't know if its'.."

"-Nat, it is. It's that. We don't know what kind or how bad, but it's a feeling. A good one at that. He has cancer and we've…I've got to wrap my head around that." Natalie puled him in tight, sending all her positive and supportive vibes Will's direction. Will felt her head nod against his shoulder, his pager buzzing on his leg interrupting the realization moment. The two of them backed away, peering into the message together.

"He's in recovery."

"You ready?" Will got the multilayers of the question, stared into her eyes for an escape. It never came.

"Yeah, let's go see him."

…

_Where am I? _The anesthesia was still doing a number on him, the fact he'd completely forgotten his location proving that. The eyelids were still extra heavy, but everything else was coming back into normal ranges. A foot twitch awarded him sheets and blankets, the nose picking up the scent of sterile things, fresh oxygen flowing into his body. His throat was sore and scratchy and head felt to be filled with cotton, all this concluding he was in the hospital. Voices were whispering, looking out for his tired, drained self. Things felt to be calm, like they were on the other side of something. The words that floated in were spoken in past tense.

"Things went well," one of the voices said.

"Thanks for everything," another, rather familiar voice echoed. Jay went to move his hand towards his face, wanted to rub the sleepiness off of him, but the best he could do was twitch a finger. A hand fell on his own, its' warmth telling him all he needed to know: he was safe and alright. Unconsciousness swallowed him whole as the world moved around, under, and on top of him, Jay not caring in the least.

The next resurface awarded him more strength, a higher sense of things. Vision was the first thing to kick in, his gaze bringing the events of the past back into his mind. The room was certainly in a hospital, the band and IV on his wrists acting as reminders of what he signed off on. Upon twitching his right foot a sharp pain signal ran up his leg and into his lower, lower back. The left arm was also sore, Jay terrified to move the extremity.

"Rhodes lied," his groggy voice croaked out. Will's beaming and laughing face entered the picture.

"Hey! You're up for real this time." Jay just stared, very much clueless on the backstory Will was referring to.

"You woke up when Rhodes came in to check on you."

"Oh crud," Jay groaned, rubbing his eyes in an effort to shield the embarrassment.

"Did I say anything stupid?"

"Does a marriage proposal count?" If he could, Jay would've smacked Will straight across the face. But in his present state the best he could do was glare.

"I'm joking! You didn't say anything, just stared before rolling over and passing out." Jay slightly relaxed, not totally buying Will's story.

"So he said everything went well. They wound up taking a whole lymph node, said it was pretty enlarged when they opened things up. The bone marrow biopsy went well without any problems." Jay nodded, wincing against another bout of sharp pain from his lower half.

"This is way more than just sore." Will rolled his eyes, standing as his phone went off.

"Or you're just being a wimp."

"I'm sorry, who's the one that just had bone marrow literally drilled out of them and part of their armpit removed?"

"Oh my word, you're so dramatic," Will shot back. Jay just shrugged, refusing to back down.

"You can get Tylenol but there isn't a need for anything stronger. I'm being called downstairs. Do you want me to send up food?" You didn't have to ask Jay twice.

"I'm on call till six and then I'll bring you to my place. Try and sleep this afternoon. Remember, this is just day one of things." Jay moaned, yawning as he sat deeper in the uncomfortable bed.

"Thanks for that!" Will smirked, sauntering out of the room and slowly closing the door.

"Love you, Jay," he spoke when the door was open just a crack.

"Yeah, I know. Go to work," he replied while falling back to sleep.

…

Perhaps Rhodes was correct after all. Jay awoke the following morning in Will's guest room, twisting slightly in bed as he tested the bruised lower back, satisfied that he could function down there without much restraint. Thanks in part to the continual dosage of Tylenol and ice packs, Jay felt as ready as ever for the day ahead of him. He was still groggy, a little drained from the anesthesia, but he felt clearer, more human-like than the day before. However, Jay knew this was rather temporary, knowing by day's end he'd feel like a lab rat.

Rising out of bed did enough to make the armpit incision have that tearing sensation. Jay quickly slapped a hand on it, praying he didn't look down to blood. It had become a nervous tick of his, glueing his arm to his side. Ever since he left the hospital he made of point of making sure that side of him didn't move. Will poked fun, told him it would take more than a twitch to bust the suturing but Jay didn't change. That area is so sensitive and uncomfortable that he didn't want to take the chance. Jay was looking down in that direction when Will's head made an entrance in the room.

"Jay, seriously you've gotta chill." Jay ignored him, moving his arm an inch or two away from the ribcage, breathing a sigh of relief when zero blood spots appeared.

"Ready for round two?"

"Sure," Jay replied, gingerly standing up and walking towards the bathroom door.

"How long is all of this going to take," Jay asked through the brushing of the teeth?

"Four, five hours maybe?" Jay shot his head back into the room, toothpaste dripping down his chin as his eyes were wide.

"What?!"

"Do you have plans or something?" An epic eye roll was all he got, Jay overdoing a collapsing of his shoulders and defeatist attitude. He spit the toothpaste and spit in the sink before responding.

"This is all weird to you, right? There are moments where I can wrap my head around this, accept what's going on. But this just feels off, like we're freaking out over nothing." Will was silent for a moment, internally laughing at how similar they both were. Try as hard as they both did, they were two peas in a pod, identical carbon copies of each other. Certainly their life choices were different, but when getting down to the root of things it was easy to see the brotherly bond. They thought like each other and knew the other's next comment and actions. It was comical, annoying, and humorous. Will loved and cherished it all. His reaction was a simple nod, the two of them feeling that suffocating weight of doom and peril.

"Blood draws are at noon so we've gotta leave in twenty." Jay nodded, heading to the kitchen for sustenance and distraction.

…

Life was very quickly turning into Groundhog Day. This was day three of walking into the ED. The same people greeted him, the same hospital garb was donned, and dare I say, they were all in the same positions. Jay did a double take of his watch, making sure he was living the same day thrice now. The only thing that was different were the looks. The first day was surprise, yesterday was forced encouragement, today was normal-ness, familiarity. A couple of them even waved, greeted Jay with a friendly word.

"We've got to stop meeting like this," Maggie mumbled when the Halsteads strolled by, both of them chuckling and nodding in agreement. The same elevator was boarded as the day before, the difference today being that Jay wasn't starving, the rest of it the same. Both of them were nervous, antsy for the day to get its' thing done and over with. Will looked to Jay who nodded and shrugged, getting what was being telepathically spoken. This was a big deal and he wasn't alone.

The radiologist and nurse welcomed them when the doors slid open. It was a loud, overly happy greeting that practically sent both brothers into a corner of the elevator car. They appreciated the enthusiasm and positive disposition, but it was a tad too much.

"Hi! Ready to get going?" Jay blinked, longly, before looking to Will who broke first, both of them laughing as they were escorted to the large department down the hall. The duo was guided to a closet sized room where a hospital gown and socks were waiting. Once Jay had changed and gotten comfortable the group reunited, Jay's arm being tied off to the point of numbness as the blood drawn line was put in place. From there Jay watched the life be drained out of him, perplexed the nurse could talk about the weather and bird watching as pints of blood escaped into the countless vials. In actuality is was five vials equaling well below a pint of blood. Again, the nerves doing a number on Jay.

From there the physical examination took place. Beginning at the neck downward, the radiologist held an extra large Sharpie in her hand, hesitating when she found something. Dots, lines, and measurements were written on the skin before things continued. An hour later Jay looked down and felt to be pranked, both marveling and horrified at how much medical decoration was on his body. Looking to Will for help was pointless, the younger Halstead in the same boat as him. What Will didn't tell Jay was that it appeared the cancer was above and below the diaphragm, a sign for advanced stages of things. But that answer would come later. For now, the next and last things to be completed were the PET and CT scans.

"Alright, just lie down on the table there and we'll get started! Do you need a pillow or anything for the back," the radiologist inquired?

"An ice pack," Jay quietly asked as he adjusted on the hard surface?

"Absolutely." The radiologist snapped a finger, literally, and the nurse took off, returning moments later with this massive, blanket-like ice pack and gently placing it under Jay's lower half. Several adjustments and test scans later Jay was perfectly aligned and ready for the scans to begin.

A positron emission tomography, or PET, scan is an test that reveals how the body's tissue and organs are functioning. The scan requires a radioactive tracer to be injected into the body. Once the tracer is in the body it collects in areas of the body that have higher than average chemical activity, the results of that being bright spots on the scan's images. Utilizing this type of scan for caner is essential because cells and organs affected by cancer will have a higher than normal metabolic rate of activity, painting a clear and accurate picture of where the cancer is located. Similarly, a CT scan is used to get an overall picture of the body. When diagnosing cancer this scan is used to detect changes in the structure and appearance of the body, looking for tumors or disfiguration of organs and bones. These two scans can be performed sequentially, with the CT scan going first followed by the PET. The radiologist explained all of this to Jay in her sing-songy, high pitched voice, pausing for his understanding before beginning the next paragraph. While she may have been saying important, mundane medical jargon all Jay heard was 'cancer' 'serious' and 'deadly.' Sure he nodded that he understood but wait five minutes and wouldn't be able to recall a single thing. That wall he'd been pushing away was right up on him, letting him know it wasn't going to wait anymore.

As the machine twirled, rattled, and did its' intended thing Jay was gone, mind drifting to his mother. Closing his eyes he could still see her, in that state he found her in upon returning home. She was asleep in her bed, head shining against the sweat beading down her face. It was summer, in the middle of a heat wave. A couple fans were blowing her way, creating the perfect wind machine effect had there been anything for it to blow. Her bedside table was littered with pill bottles, Jay looking down at the labels and unable to pronounce any of them. He returned to her, watching her flat chest weakly rise, grimacing at the shallow movements and tiny puffs of sound coming out of her. To the world she looked like someone to pity, but to Jay it was his mother. He loved her in any state.

The extra loud rattle of the machine's latest movement brought him back to the present day. Opening eyes he fully felt the longing for his mother. Jay wanted to feel her strong grip around him, relax as her nails slowly, lovingly massaged his back. He had a million questions that would go unanswered. Jay could only rely on what he saw at the end of the horrible journey, was totally clueless how their mother got from healthy to dying; failed to understand the timeline of her disease. It was in the injection of the radioactive tracker that he began to play things forward, his mind telling him what he saw of his mother would soon be him: a sickly version of a human, struggling to perform the simplest of tasks. Independence would be an idea of the past, his normal would be the worst case scenario for a majority of the world. He'd struggle, push, and hope before the end date arrived. He'd leave a brother behind, alone in the world. A team would walk into work each day and look over at his empty desk, living on memories. Days, the world, would eventually forget his name, but for that small community his departure would be date that lived in infamy. That was when the vision grew blurry, the sniffs and smalls coughs broke out.

"You need a minute," the radiologist spoke through the room's intercom?

"No," Jay too quickly replied.

"Jay." It was Will, his emotions coming through the crackling speaker. Jay rotated his head to face the observation glass, choking up as he watched Will wipe under his eyes. This was it, the moment things came full circle. Jay Halstead, revered member of the baddest, best division of the Chicago Police Department, former Army Ranger, and overall badass had cancer. The time to take up his sword and fight was upon him.

…

"I'm so done," Jay announced when they were in the middle of the parking deck, Jay standing in the middle of the road. His legs had enough strength left to keep him upright, but moving was no longer an option. He was mentally, physically, emotionally spent. After the moment of epiphany Jay spent the next hour asleep, concluding the best way to get through things was zonking out. It took Will's gentle nudges and physical support to get him up and walking out the door. The events of 'the gauntlet' were coursing all over. Both he and the challenge were finished.

"You can't move," Will asked when he was at the driver's side of the car? Jay shook his head. It was another first, Will realized, as he walked back towards Jay. He took the non-surgery side of Jay, securing an arm under his brother before encouraging him to take things a step at a time. It was a dance, a glacial paced march but they made it without any more stops. The car door was opened and Jay was assisted into the seat. He leaned his head back as Will rounded the car. The two of them sat still for a moment, feeling it and taking it all in.

"And now we wait," Jay yawned.

"Yeah."

"When's the appointment?"

"Five days from now."

"Ok." Will started the car and pulled out. Let the dreaded, hated waiting game begin.

…

_Five Days Later _

The concept of the waiting room is an interesting one. Waiting, stopping, being still in an ever rotating, changing world can be scary, calming, exciting, maddening. These four walled structures hear a few hundred thousand different things. People sit and wait for good news. People sit and wait for bad news. People wait for family members. People look for answers, questions, ideas, confirmations of every known thing. Then came the design of the spaces. Some are calming and stark while others are dim and dull. Music choice is always guaranteed to be a kicker. Gone were the days of elevator music, their jazzy, hard-to-place-a-finger-on-the-song tunes taking up residency in that niche. The magazines, the television channels, all other facets of these rooms were intended to distract. Whatever the outcome one sought this space, this huddle point of the trip was intended for people to gather themselves, be at the ready for their first or last name to be poorly pronounced on the other side of the closed door. Today's waiting room was bright, cheery, elevating. Jay mentally concluded it was cruel given the reason everyone was there. The Halsteads were sitting in the back right hand corner of the room, Will thumbing through a two year old magazine while Jay panned the room.

The last five days were anything but the attributes of a vacation. Plentiful hours of television watching took place. Naps were commenced at random hours for varying amounts of time. Jay felt to have walked the perimeter and interworkings of the city twice while he and Will probably visited every sporting venue in the county. All this was to distract them from today, this moment. Tomorrow Jay would return to work, have to live with the outcome of today. To say Jay was on edge was an understatement. The hours and days of scheming and weighing were over. This was sentencing day, the line of demarcation. Either Jay was on the side of all clear or in the danger zone, the C zone. Extra deep inhales were taken on that one, the exhale coming out in the form to toe taps and neck crackings.

As Jay scoured the room he found the place to be a rule of thirds. The other occupants of the space were one of three things: at the beginning, in the middle, or at the very end. Some people were like him, appearing normal and healthy on the outside, but the nervous emotions were bubbling over. Then there were those who were in the process of being transformed, looking a little dejected and tired, but there was an air of fight to them, those were the people in the middle. Those on the other side, the very end, were entirely transformed, probably not looking a thing like their driver's license photo, but their pride and elation was hard to disguise. Temporarily their outward appearance was changed, but their very being was forever there, finally poking through and having every intention of staying. It was both a beautiful and crazy image. Beautiful to realize he wasn't alone, that people just like him were doing this thing right alongside of him. While they all were from different backgrounds and life stories, every person in this room had one thing in common: the scary beast that is cancer. The crazy part of the room was the real life timeline, his timeline. Jay shook his head before slouching in his chair, praying to get this anticipation done and over with.

"Jay Halstead," the nurse questioned the group? Jay was up before she found him, confidently and assuredly walking in her direction. She smiled and nodded, ushering him to the other side with Will in tow. This was it.

Her name was Dr. Susan Carter. She was double board certified, had numerous degrees from well respected universities across the country. She was a pioneer of her generation, the youngest doctor to complete four cancer clinical trials and co-author countless articles pertaining to cancer and its' genetic makeup. Originally from Aimes, Iowa she relocated to Chicago in her final year of residency at Northwestern, citing her love for the Bears and Cubs as strong reasons for this place being her new home. Med scooped her up shortly after Rhodes came on board, built her a cancer wing entirely designed and commanded by her. She was brilliant, stunning, stubborn, and refused to settle for less than the best. In many ways she was the female version of Jay. Opening the door to her office the first thing you noticed was how packed the wall was. It appeared every inch of the space behind her desk was adorned with her scholastic and medical accomplishments. Some may see that as being self centered, overly prideful. But Susan used those hanging ornaments as reminders of how far she had come, what she had accomplished,—and on days where she was low—, what she was capable of doing. The second Jay walked through the door and sat down he got it, loved it, actually felt comfortable in the middle of it all. He had a true warrior in his corner fighting with and for him, if nothing else he had to beat this for her.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Carter, thank you for everything you put yourself through this week," she greeted, extending a hand to both Jay and Will as they rounded the chairs. Both of them nodded, shaking her hand before resting. Jay glanced at the desk, noticing the large stack of files and papers, sealing the deal on what was coming next. She picked up on his stare, moving her head to reach his gaze.

"So how are you feeling? Do you have any lingering pain from the biopsies?"

"No," Jay quickly, autonomously responded. Dr. Carter took a breath, sliding the large stack towards her middle, looking to both brothers before beginning.

"Well, this is the bad part of my job. The part I hate the most. It is cancer, I'm sorry to announce." The air was sucked out of the room, but it wasn't because of Jay. Will was the one that gasped, had his mouth dangling over his chest, but Jay didn't say or do anything. It was weird. He knew what people should do, had seen it in person and on television, but there was nothing. The tears never came and the freaking out failed to show up. Again, he knew his destiny a week ago, this was just a confirmation of things already established. Honestly, Jay was just waiting for the shoe to drop. Perhaps knowing what kind would kick those learned reactions into gear.

"What kind is it," he asked in a hushed tone.

"Hodgkin's Lymphoma." Will looked Jay's way now, subconsciously grabbing a shoulder like he was about to hug him. But still nothing came out of Jay which at this point upset him.

"What stage?" Dr. Carter scrunched her brow a bit, the three of them in this moment of disbelief and surprise together. She could count on one hand the number of patients that responded this way, none of them making it this far and still being this level of calm.

"The scans show the cancer to be above and below the diaphragm which for Hodgkin's Lymphoma indicates advanced stages. The diaphragm rests at about the middle the body. We use that as a guide, a line to let us know how spread out the cancer is. Since it's above and below that line and in the spleen you're rated at a stage 3 status. It hasn't hit the liver yet but if we don't start treatment soon that could change." Jay nodded his head, the eyes had now gone wide, but everything else was the same stable level. Will was now feeding off of that, ceasing his emotions and embracing Jay's attitude. As long as the patient wasn't reacting, he had no business doing it.

"So is there like some surgery process?" Dr. Carter sat back in her chair, completely perplexed by Jay.

"Are you alright? We can talk about this another time. It's ok to freak out at this point. Trust me, I've seen it all." Except for this, she forgot to add.

"What's the treatment?" Dr. Carter proceeded to pull a stapled portion of paper, rotating it and pushing it in Jay's direction. She took out a pen and pointed to each stage of the plan as she spoke.

"Hodgkin's Lymphoma is a blood cancer. It starts in the lymphatic system and spreads from there. It attacks the white blood cells first and then keeps going. Surgery is not a recommended treatment because were dealing with things at a cellular level. Surgery is typically utilized for tumors or masses, not blood cancers. The only reason you'd ever potentially have surgery is if something happened during treatment. Now treatment for you would be about six to eight months long, depending on how well you respond and if the cancer is resistant. You'll start with six rounds of chemotherapy. It would be a high dose, powerful regiment but its' necessary given your stage. After that we'd begin radiation therapy and complete twenty-five rounds of that. It'll be tough and a lot to handle but it's the best option."

"And I'm guessing all the usual side effects of that stuff."

"It's likely, yes." Ah, the sign of reaction was coming up: vomit. Jay's throat was tightening, his head was growing dizzier by the blink. He pursed his lips and closed his eyes, prayed the puke away for just a moment. The absolute last thing he wanted was Dr. Carter's first impression of him to be throwing up. Will patted his shoulder, continuing the questionnaire as Jay collected himself.

"How soon would you want to get things started?"

"A month, the very latest. Why don't you guys take some time, process things before we start figuring things out. This is a lot of information at once and it's big. Why don't we schedule another appointment in a week?" Will looked to Jay who nodded as he stood, the urge to bolt culminating in his feet. A showering of 'thank yous' and apologies were spoken before the groups went their ways. Jay blanked at this point, has no reclamation of scheduling the appointment or the drive back to his place. Will almost stayed with him, said people at work would understand and pick up his shift, but Jay's mood changed. He was hostile, defiant, really urged Will to go. His reason was that he wanted to be alone, needed some breathing space. Jay waited till Will was gone to go for a jog. He needed to run, feel able and independent again. Open air, silence, tranquility was all his mind could fathom right now and he knew just the place.

**So this was a massive chapter filled with a lot of information. I hope you guys enjoyed this one. I read a startling stat the other day. In 2019 over 1.7 million people were diagnosed with cancer in the United States. That is scary and heartbreaking. 1.7 million lives were forever changed last year, and that number is expected to change. Better research, more breakthroughs, and better treatment options need to be found and administered. Thank you so much for reading this guys. I must warn now the next chapter is going to be tough, so prepare yourself. **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- Get A Good Look At This, It's All About To Change

**Another title for this chapter should've been 'loose ends' but I wasn't a fan of it. A plethora of things shall be happening, perhaps the worst being the team finally finding out. This chapter is ending the initial stage of things, seeing those final moments of shock and disbelief before things become very real. Alright, let's wrap up stage one together. **

There is a ledge that loops around the lake, acting as the perfect representation of life going from solid ground to being chopped off into the dark, wet, unknown abyss. Walk along the Lakefront Trail and you will see what I mean. Most lake front places have beaches or sandy, hilly sections that gradually fall into the water's edge. Not Chicago, it's not in their DNA to trail you off into things. Either you're in or out, plain and simple. There's a particular section of this concrete edge that juts out into the lake at least a hundred yards past the shoreline. The path is about eighteen inches wide and is a hot place for photographers and adventure seekers. Dare to venture out to this spot when the fog is lifting and sun is peaking over the city's foundation or the waning hours of the day, be prepared to be greeted by a massive amount of people. But in the middle portion of the day the spot is silent, occasionally used as a resting spot for birds but seldom visited by mankind. So when one wants to escape, run till the ground literally ran out of real estate, this was the ideal place. Which is exactly where you'd find Jay Halstead on this day in history, mere hours after receiving the news of his life being in a bad metamorphosis.

He was sitting on the ledge, one leg tucked under his bottom while the other was dangling off the edge, the often splashing waves kissing the sole and side of his running shoe. This place was silent, off the coast enough to where you couldn't hear anything. Streets noises were silenced, people walking along the trail were mute objects, even the water movement seemed to dim its' activity at this place. This was the epicenter where soul met tranquility. The silence wasn't a scary one, but peaceful in the most stunning way. There's something about being small, a blip in a chasm of depth and darkness. Jay could think, put things into perspective. His muscles and lung ached from the speedy run out here, but this spot, this southernmost location of Chicago was worth it all. His inner being was recharging the longer he stared into the bottomless pit of the lake, the smell of fresh air seeming to be cleaning and clearing him out. The never ending wind was giving him life. It was mid September now, the heat and heaviness of summer was all but a memory, the very first hints of fall coming at the tail end of the breeze, almost whispering that old man winter was rising, about to knock on the door of sanity. The crescendo, the thing that brought everything together was what was playing in Jay's AirPods. It was a song he added late one night, adding it purely for the orchestration of the song rather than the words, but the final lyrics were so beautifully appropriate for this snapshot of life.

"_Be gentle with yourself as you uncover. Your best kept secrets yet to be discovered. In stillness, boys, clear water to the bottom. You will do better in the morning. I will do better in the morning_." Jay closed his eyes as arms were raised in defeat. Today was the day allotted to feel bad, take pity on his situation. Tomorrow he'd do better. Tomorrow he'd get his battle mentality on. This moment was about mourning and feeling the terror. From here on out he was fighting and accepting it wholeheartedly. This setting, this moment could've laster for hours had a voice not interrupted things.

"Oh thank God, you're actually here." Jay yanked an AirPod out, whipping his head around to watch Will tip toe down the ledge. It was comical to watch a grown ass man walk an inch at a time. Clearly this wasn't Will's idea of a calming place.

"What did you expect to find?" Will stopped a foot away, raising his phone to show Jay.

"Do you know how terrifying it is to look at Find My Friends and see your icon in the middle of a blue blob? I probably broke a hundred laws getting here as fast as I did." Jay shrugged, turning back to the water.

"I wasn't going to do anything drastic."

"Yes, because sitting in the middle of the lake, on the edge of this unstable surface is totally normal."

"Just sit." Jay held out a hand, Will verbally smacked it away.

"Oh no, you're not helping. I already know you'll try to throw me in."

"No, I won't." Will continued to shake his head, eventually resting his shaking body on the ground, sitting Indian style as far away from an edge as possible. The two of the stared in silence for Lord knows how long, each feeding off the presence of each other. Jay would close his eyes when the wind became too much, smiling as he opened them when things died down. Here things were perfect. There was no pain or sickness or fear. It was him and the powerful water. It was stunning and terrifying at the same time.

"The weird thing is that I don't feel sick," he whispered after awhile. Will looked up from the ground under him, nodding as he responded.

"You're not the first to think that. Especially blood cancers. The signs can be assumed as other things."

"It's just crazy that we have to make things worse in order to fix things." Another nod, and a shrug from Will before his response.

"Well until a cure is found it's the best option out there. You lucked into a good doctor, a good time for finding the problem, as crazy and awful as that sounds."

"Yeah, I know." Jay paused the still playing song on his phone, rotating in a way to face Will. One of their expressions was nervous and unsure while the other was peaceful, borderline happy and content. Care to guess as to who was what?

"Promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"Do not treat me different. Do not baby me or hide stuff. I don't care how bad things are or whatever side effects and crap I have to deal with. You're not allowed to make this change things." Will figured something like this would eventually come up. He knew Jay all too well. The guy hated being singled out, held higher than the general public. He'd forever view himself as an average guy just navigating his way through a mundane life. Which everyone who knew Jay knew that to be anything but true. He was special, incredible, perhaps one of the most genuine and able people out there. But Will would never say that, knowing his brother wouldn't buy an ounce of it. Instead, his reply was a single, four letter word.

"Deal." Jay glared at him, waiting for the confirmation message to break through. He eventually returned to looking at the towering cityscape behind Will, taking those incredible snapshots. He now got why people braved the trek out here, it truly was magical.

"Ready to go back to work?"

"Don't remind me."

"Jay, they need to know."

"Do you think I want to tell them? Take pleasure in verbally affirming something crazy and awful? It's going to wreck them."

"I think you're not giving them enough credit. They'll get through it. You'll get through this." Reluctantly, Jay nodded.

"I just hate delivering bad news."

"Welcome to the club, brother." For the first time in forever Jay smiled, laughed as he rose from his spot on the ledge. Will was right behind him.

"Let's get out of here before I do decide to throw you over the edge." Will never ran faster in his life.

…

"Well look what the cat dragged in. Where's the tan?"

"Huh?" It was the typical morning hustle in the district. Officers were coming and going, some checking in for duty while other were clocking out, looking like midnight zombies in need of a year long slumber. Civilians were crowded around Platt's desk, arguing and talking about trivial, yet important things. Amongst the craziness Jay wanted to walk into the place as normally as possible, just go through the day like nothing was wrong. His nonchalant climb up the steps and approach of the Intelligence gate was zeroed in on by the desk sargeant, calling out his sneaky ways. Her remark had him stopping in his tracks, doing his best to coolly face her, like he had every intention of her catching him in the act.

"You had a week off and you didn't get out of town? Head to some remote island and just veg." Jay just shrugged his shoulders, smirking at how right everything was in the world; if only for a second. Bantering and snide remarks with Platt were her way of showing care. Which to the outside world was twisted, but those who knew her best grew to expect it, take pride in attracting her attention.

"Good to see you too, Sarge," Jay replied. The green light lit on the gate and the buzzer went off. Jay waved to a perplexed Platt as he jogged up the steps. The closer he got to the top the more of them he saw. Adam was sitting on Atwater's desk, the two of them talking and laughing over something. Hailey and Kim were in the break room, one pouring coffee before the other handed the pot off to the other. Voight was sitting in his office with the door shut, definitely doing something under wraps. To those on this floor life was normal, or getting back to it's usual pace. With Jay back the team was complete, their final piece fitting back into its' place. Or so they thought.

"You owe me twenty bucks," Adam commented to Atwater as he sprung from the desk. He was hugging Jay in three strides, Jay's shocked expression being laughed at by Kevin. The women of the unit heard and saw the return, walking out and lining up for a hug and welcoming remark. Voight went as far as opening the office door and standing in the doorway, which was a big deal for him this early in the day. The moment was so harmonious and happy, the last thing Jay wanted to do was ruin it. The dark cloud was right on top of him, the secret he swore they all could see was right there, but now wasn't the time. It would happen, he mentally reassured himself. Time would provide the opportunity and place. But this wasn't it. So the acting skills had to return, the brave face shielding the darkness being poured on thick.

"Thanks guys. Feels good to be back." The sea of people was parted enough for Jay to walk past, feel their stares and scans as he made his way to the desk. Looking at all the little things on the space made him internally laugh. Compared to what he was about to go through, the things residing here felt silly. There were post it notes with addresses and food orders, papers pertaining to past cases or random friendly bets. There was sports memorabilia and items collected from places over the years, all of it adding it to a life without a care. A person who was content and doing things, making an impact in his sphere. Now it all seemed ridiculous and second tier to what was really going on. As Jay adjusted in his chair he told himself to push those ideas away, reminded himself yet again that he was going to do better today.

"So, what did you do this week?" Adam looked to Kevin who was looking down at his wallet. Kim rolled her eyes while Hailey kept her gaze on Jay, waiting for the answer to her unspoken question.

"Just hung around. Caught up on sleep and television mostly." Adam held his hand out for his reward, Atwater handing the cash over in defeat. Jay managed a laugh and surprised expression, but there was a trail off, a split second moment when the truth seeped through. Jay was quick to correct that, but Hailey saw it. She rose from her spot, mouth was opening to speak when Voight interrupted.

"Got a case. Everyone roll out."

…

Things perfectly and seamlessly fell back into the routine. Upon arriving at the location every member did their assumed role. Hank and Jay walked to the crime scene first while Adam and Kevin ventured into the crowds, dealing with spectators and witnesses while learning information. Hailey and Kim took the more investigative role, discussing things with officers on the scene while talking shop with the CSIs. It was everything for Jay. On the way over he was nervous, kept having those 'last time' thoughts, but the more he walked towards the scene the quicker those thoughts and notions slipped away. He was back, for the time being, but it was incredible to just be normal again. Today wasn't about being helped but helping others, the exact reason why he got out of bed that morning.

The location was a house on the west side of the city, right on the outskirts of the loop. This area of the city was less populated by tourists or Hollywood, the portion of Chicago sectioned off for the life long residents and hard workers. So heads were scratching when all of the victims were from out of state, citizens of states on polar ends of the country actually. The home wasn't an AirBnb location nor were the owners of the home related to any of the deceased, quickly concluding that something was going awry; an act or entity that they'd just learned the initial surface of. Leaning down for a closer observation of the bodies was a chore. Despite being six days off the biopsy there were certain things that still irritated the bone marrow extraction sight. Without realizing it Jay let out the smallest of grunts, undetectable to anyone on the scene, except for Voight.

"What's wrong?"

"Uh, oh nothing." Jay was caught off guard, surprised the seasoned man picked up on that. His body was shaking with nerves, petrified that the moment was coming before he was totally prepared. His only option was to keep his eyes glued on the scene in front of them.

"Jay." He had to tell him, or buy some time because there wasn't another option. Jay turned to face his boss, saw the look of worry and inquisition. This was going to be a first of many, he just had to get used to it sooner rather than later.

"Not here." Voight huffed before nodding his head. Patience wasn't his strong suit but the tone in Jay's voice told him enough. Both men were resuming their once over of things when Hailey stepped in.

"No cameras in or around the house. Security system was cheap and wasn't even activated last night. Home owners are based in Florida, only come up here in the spring and summer. They have a house keeper who comes in couple times a month to clean and stock up when the owners are coming to town. No one else has a key to the place."

"Patrol said neighbors heard arguing around three AM and didn't think much of it. Said they saw a car pull into the garage last night and thought it was the owners."

"All three victims were shot and no one heard anything," Jay questioned?

"Silencers? Maybe everyone was asleep? Who knows."

"There's an intersection pod about two blocks away and the tech lab is already working on it." Voight nodded to his team, did a final snapshot of the room before heading towards the door. For the moment none of this made sense, but that was the thrill of the job: making sense of the senseless.

"Let's get to work," he commented as he flung the front door open and marched.

…

The rest of the day was a sea of papers, phone calls, and scribbling on the whiteboard. They were modern day office clerks and assistants, the addition being a badge and ranking title. Due the workload and headache inducing nature of the case people had all but forgotten this was Jay's first day back, his momentary slip up in the morning tucked away in the lost files by dusk. Furthermore, Jay didn't mind that everyone had to stay seated for the day. Given the slight soreness and still healing incisions, not having to worry about that part of the secret was great, welcoming in a way. Every now and then the dark, stormy cloud over him poked through, brief ideas of today being the end came and went, but for the most part he felt normal, back to his way of things. It was weird. It was cruel. Jay cherished and clung to it all. It was the stroke of midnight when the team came up for air, stretched themselves as the realized they'd been going for a solid fifteen hours. One by one they all went their ways, waving farewell and cracking jokes as they escaped to their vehicles. Jay had one foot on the steps when Voight cleared his throat, his calling card for someone to hold up. Jay prayed he'd forgotten, smacked himself for thinking Voight was one of those kinds of bosses. It was a reluctant, unprepared turn but soon the two men were facing each other.

"So what's going on?" Jay looked back towards the steps, listening to the hushed voices at the bottom and the clacking shoes against the tile floor at the entrance of the building. It all came together as too much, a lot of background for something that didn't need any heightening.

"In your office," he replied as he swung back to face Voight. Hank didn't hesitate, did as was requested without a rebuttal or remark. Whatever Jay was about to tell him was serious and rather personal. Anything negative coming out of him wouldn't help. He held the door open and waited till Jay sat to close the door. Jay began the gradual unraveling as he approached his seat.

"So last week I did have the week off because of the concussion issue, but during the exam something a lot bigger was found. After a couple of biopsies and tests it turns out it's cancer." Literally everything stopped. Jay couldn't fathom another word, his body putting the breaks on things. It was the first time he heard himself utter that word, speak it into the atmosphere to another person. The thing was surreal, and out-of-body experience to say the least. What also hit Jay was guilt, the memory of Voight having already gone through this announcement once, his role being just about the same.

"How serious," Voight quietly, yet gruffly asked? Jay forced air out of his lungs, propelling himself to answer the question. It took a couple tries before things broke through.

"Stage three." Voight now bit the side of his cheek, a single nod as he absorbed things. Jay just shrugged, collapsing his hands into his lap as if to say, 'now what.' From this point it became a rapid fire questionnaire.

"What kind?"

"Hodgkin's Lymphoma."

"When did you find out?"

"Yesterday afternoon."

"When do you start treatment?"

"Within a month." By now Voight had placed his clasped hands on the desk, both men make eye contact for a moment. It wasn't weird or hostile or ill minded, but sad, dare I say apologetic. Voight wanted to reach over and hug his detective but figured that would be too much. Jay would probably hate that more than anything at the moment. Having worked with him for as long as he had, he knew Jay's everything was to be treated fairly and normally, hated receiving special treatment. So knowing that, there was only one thing he could do.

"I'm sorry, Jay. What do you need me to do?" Jay nodded, bit the side of his lip before speaking.

"Time, patience, I don't know. Next week I have another appointment with the oncologist and we'll be finalizing plans and doing the port insertion procedure. So.."

"-Take all the time you need." Jay nodded, rubbing his pant legs before standing and heading to the door. His hand was on the handle when he paused.

"I'd like to tell the team but I want to wait till things are in place." Voight nodded, not dreaming of spilling the news to another soul.

"Jay, if you need anything.."

"-I know. Thanks, Sarge." Before Hank could reply Jay was gone, doing his best impression of speed walking. He did it, he said the thing he dreaded saying, and just wanted out of there as quick as possible. Voight was too consumed with the bomb that was placed on his lap to bother holding Jay back.

…

_A Week Later_

They were back where it all began. Same cluttered wall of accomplishments, same stack of papers on the desk in front of the renowned oncologist. However, this visit felt to be drastically different, better, happier than the prior; which seems inappropriate to admit. There were a couple of differences this time around. First, Dr. Carter was in scrubs, this part of the visit being a formality, the back half being the part were scrubs were necessary. Secondly, the shock and awe of that day had dissipated. The time to react and panic was gone, now it was all about strategizing and conquering. Lastly, Jay was in very different clothing. Due to what was happening after the huddle in the office he was told to dress comfortable, particularly in attire that wasn't tight and didn't have to be slipped over his head. Details of that would be delved into later, but right now it was about arranging the torturing and slow killing of the disease over the coming weeks and months. A rather bulky stack of papers were sitting on the desk right in front of Jay, pen in hand as he was about to sign away his dignity and well being for the foreseeable future.

"So we're going to start with the ABVD cocktail. It's the most standard regimen of chemotherapy. About halfway through the cycles we'll redo some of the scans and if necessary will switch over to a new method of chemo."

"Which could be?"

"Well, it depends on how things are going. We could use Beacopp, Stanford V, or just increase the doses of ABVD. But again, we just don't know right now." All the acronyms were confusing and foreign to Jay, but in time he'd learn the complicated names of the drugs.

"So your first cycle can start ten days from now and the cycles will go every two weeks. It'll give you enough time to recover and feel normally, per se, till we start another cycle. Right now you'll start with one large dose on one day but that could change as we go along. I like to schedule treatments on Monday or Friday, giving you the week or weekend to get over the worst of the symptoms." Will looked to Jay as he spoke.

"Why don't you do Friday so I and whoever else can help you over the weekend." Jay sighed, cocking his head and closing his eyes as Will spoke. Help, that thing he hated more than anything; but was the very thing he'd have to learn to rely on. Eventually he nodded in agreement.

"Alright! So six cycles every two weeks puts you at twelve weeks, or three months.."

"-Which has things done around Christmas?" Dr. Carter nodded.

"And then radiation I'd recommend starting after the new year, keeping you on that every two week cycle. Those will be three sessions per week for two months so by spring, we could be looking at remission!"

"Should things go according to plan," Jay added.

"Yes." Dr. Carter inched the paper in Jay's direction.

"You ready? Just sign on the dotted line and we'll get everything lined up." This was it, the moment when things kicked into gear. In the form of ink bleeding onto a paper, the old was dying and the first glimpse of the new was just coming to the surface. The mood was surreal, the gut feeling was necessary, the relief rippling all over as he signed. His signature took seconds to scribe, the stack of papers having his stamp of approval in minutes. There was a brief moment where everyone collectively exhaled, like the worst was over the best was yet to come. Which for poor Jay was the farthest thing from true. But the worry and uncertainties were kept at bay for a time. While the future wasn't pleasant, it was planned out. Dr. Carter thumbed through the stack a final time, making sure things were in line, before rising from her chair.

"Thank you. First cycle is next Friday. Now, let's get a port inserted."

A portacath, or port, is a device very commonly used for patients who require continuous injections and medical treatments via an IV. The device is implanted just under the skin, creating an easy and single access point into the body. Very simply, the catheter part of the device is fed into a large vein, usually the vein above the right side of the heart. The port portion is then inserted under the skin, becoming the part of the body where medication will be inserted via an IV line. The port creates a small bump under the skin but is rather sturdy, allowing patients to do almost all their normal activities without any limitations. Once the need for the device is no longer necessary it is removed. Will tried his best to explain things to Jay, give his best effort to warn him of how they perform the procedure, but every time the topic came up Jay requested for it to cease. Nervous isn't the right word, agitated was probably the better adjective to describe Jay. To him it was bad enough knowing what all was going to happen, the last thing he wanted was to be a master of the stuff before it all began. But as Dr. Carter walked him into the procedure room, and Jay looked around to the machines and devices soon to be used in and on him, the mental kicking session began. She guided him to the exam table, one that you would see in a normal doctor's office, and told him to relax; which typically made a patient do anything but.

"Just take your shirt off, the rest will be covered his drapes and towels," she informed. Jay did as was told, but the whole time was genuinely freaked out. The lack of an anesthetic or medical team worried him, the questions right on the tip of his tongue as he handed the shirt off to a chair.

"Alright, just lie down and turn your head to the left." Again, Jay did as was told, but had he'd been on a heart monitor the whole world would see and hear just how on edge was. Apparently he was about to operated on wide awake.

"Is this everyone," squeaked out of him? Dr. Carter chuckled as she laid the instruments and ultrasound wand close to her.

"Nope, just setting up before the rest of them show up." The bright, white light above them lit up, Jay just now realizing the thing was even there. This was the point where things slowed down, in Jay's mind. The radiologist and anesthesiologist walked in next, their steps sounding like large, thunderous, clops on the laminate flooring. Both people seemed to take their positions several minutes after they entered, getting comfortable moments before the first cut. The blue sterile drapes and towel were flung in the air and hung there for a lifetime, eventually flinging down on his top half, making his ability to look at the work sight impossible. People were talking, laughing, clanging things, but Jay couldn't make out anything.

"Jay, you doing alright," Dr. Carter asked as the first round of local anesthetic was pushed into his chest? When he didn't answer she gently nudged his shoulder, receiving a jump and head nod from the patient. Onward the torture session went.

"This will numb everything and you shouldn't feel a thing. But say something if that changes." Again, nothing from Jay but the monitors the anesthesiologist said things were within a normal range.

"Give him the relaxant," Dr. Carter instructed as the scalpel dug in. Now Jay was truly tripping in a nightmare.

The relaxant didn't do anything to relax. If anything, it only heightened his panic. He'd seen this movie before. Some poor soul had a heart transplant and was awake for the whole thing and no one knew. He couldn't say anything and move, just had to lay there and endure every ounce of pain, cutting, pressure point, and stitching. Jay wanted to say something, refuse what was just getting underway, but the words could not come out. There was a whining, twanging guitar playing in the back of his mind, creating this sickening, nauseating feeling all over him. He felt to be on a high but it wasn't euphoric and incredible. If he had anything in him he would've thrown up. The brain kept sending the same message, 'you're awake!' But all he could do was sit and wait and pray to pass out before long.

As the radiologist guided Dr. Carter to the perfect location for the port Jay pushed himself to find something, an object or image that would get him to the other side. With his head stuck in its' turned position moving around wasn't an option. He blinked and peered, eventually finding the door. It was a dark grey and had a single, black speck on it about halfway down just under the door handle. That was his ticket, his way out of this. So as Jay felt the instruments work their way inside his chest and the pressure of the catheter being pushed into place he kept everything on that spec. The local anesthetic was utilized several more times and the second incision was made before the final stage occurred. The black spec wasn't enough, his mind message overpowering the yearning to get out. His chest was swelling, vision becoming blurry, extremities going numb, but still he didn't give up. There was talking and nudging but Jay didn't register any of it. The door swung open, allowing a new emotion to appear: anger. Someone dared to move his thing and it royally ticked him off. A body outline drew close, still being a barrier between Jay and the speck. A shade of color got close, really close to Jay's face and spoke.

"Jay, can you hear me," Will asked? Back in reality the monitors were trending in the wrong direction. Jay wasn't in trouble at this point but certainly wasn't doing well. Dr. Carter had waved him in when their attempts to communicate failed. Will ignored the fact she was holding the long catheter line in her hand, had Jay's blood on her hands. The port was just on the tray about a foot away from Jay. Will kneeled down to get eye level with Jay, looking into his pale face and beyond wide eyes, sighing at how bad Jay had let himself become within a couple of minutes. Touching him wasn't going to help, so he kept speaking.

"Jay, you've got to say something. You're alright. I just need a word." Still nothing, Will noticing Jay's intense staring at the door.

"Jay." Out of the whole experience, that was the one word Jay recalls hearing. It was his time, the moment to alert people of the problem. A long blink, an extra large inhale later, a half hearted 'mom' fell out of his mouth.

"Can you knock him out," Will asked? The anesthesiologist held up the syringe, screwed it into the IV and nodded. Will stepped away to allow Jay to resume staring at the door. The black speck grew bigger in record time, totally swallowing him whole as he gave into its' peaceful offerings.

…

"Hey, can you hear me?" Jay was awake before he realized, looking up at the drop tile ceiling as people moved around him. Life felt to be normal. His chest was sore, liked it had been hit by something hard, but the pressure and prodding was gone, just a large mass left behind. He was resting more elevated than the last time. The room was darker than he remembered, the bright light that was once above him was gone, a couple long light's above taking its' place. The drapes and towels were exchanged for a warm blanket and his own clothing. Jay moved his head down slightly to see all the buttons were in place and the article of clothing was loosely strewn on him. The odd part was that he didn't recall putting the thing back on. Another long blink revealed a familiar face who was rather happy to see him, which in his medically altered, freaked out state bugged him.

"Jay, you feeling alright?" He had that doctor voice on, the pitch of his voice a step or two above normal as the smile was practically plastered on.

"I'm not doing that again." Will smiled, rustling Jay's hair as he moved away from the exam table.

"So you made things a little exciting back there," Dr. Carter commented. Jay moved his head to the right, just now realizing she was present.

"Next time you're having a panic attack, tell people," Will said. Jay shrugged, running his hand down his shirt till he felt the bump.

"It's in there. Don't worry, you'll get used to it. Over the weekend it'll feel weird and you'll not want to move, but after that things will be fine."

"Ok," Jay replied, beginning the process of getting up when both doctor's yelled for him to stop.

"You have to stay down for a couple of hours. We need to make sure you won't pass out and you have to be stable for a bit. Walking is the very last thing we do before sending you home." Honestly the exhaustion of things kept Jay from protesting, which was weird for him. Two hours of interrupted sleep and relaxing were right up his alley so he wasted no time, shutting his eyes before Dr. Carter had finished speaking.

"I'm going to leave you two alone for a bit. I'll come back to check on you. You did well, Jay!"

"Thanks, Susan," Will replied on behalf of a snoozing Jay. The room was quiet for quite some time, Jay's breathing and Will's texting being the only hints of life in the room. Will had taken the liberty of turning the lights further down and adding another blanket on Jay, encouraging him to relax and sleep for the duration of the wait period. It was around the tail end of the first hour that a light came on in the far corner of the room. It was a phone screen coming to life, Jay's phone to be exact. The perpetual buzzing from the ringer stirred Jay enough to ask Will to answer the call, half terrified the secret was out and half not caring. With eyes still closed Jay listened to the Will side of the conversation.

"Hey! Yeah, he just got done an hour or so ago. There was a moment were things got hairy but otherwise everything went fine. What's that? Oh yeah, I think was the whole being awake part. Oh really?! I hadn't heard that one before. I'll ask him if he wants to try that. I will tell him. He's asleep right now but I'm sure he appreciates the call. Thanks, bye." Will put the phone back on its' place on the chair, slinking over to his chair and resuming whatever he was doing.

"Who was that," Jay quietly asked? Will stopped his texting, put the phone down and leaned towards the exam table.

"Voight. Just checking on you." Jay was truly touched. This was a side of Voight he never saw: compassionate. He knew his boss cared for him, but showed his emotions in a rough, tough, and hard way. Which was very much like him. So the fact he remembered Jay's appointment and thought to check in on him was overwhelming. But what followed next could've made Jay cry.

"He also said Camille had problems with the pump when she first got it put in. Said ice helped numb things and help her forget it was there. Do you want to try that?" Jay was desperate, willing to try anything. He slowly, weakly sat himself up as Will left the room. Breathed through closed eyes until Will returned with the loot. For the next hour Jay kept the large, padded bag on his chest, Will taking over holding duties when Jay fell back to sleep. Even during the walk around the hallway Jay kept the bag on him, marveling at how quickly and effectively the trick worked. As the brother's walked out of the facility and to the car Jay took comfort in knowing there were two women up there looking out for him. One knew him since before he was on the Earth, the other was probably great friends with his mother by now. They had deep conversation about their loved ones, discussing why they chose such harrowing occupations but took pride in their accomplishments. Both women were gut wrenched over Jay's diagnosis and knew they'd have to guide him through the whole thing, be close during the tough spots. Perhaps it was a result of the day's events, or the lingering drugs in his system, but Jay played out their whole friendship in his mind and seriously took comfort in knowing somewhere, in some capacity, they were there with him.

…

Do you recall the episode of ER when Mark Green walked out of the hospital for the last time? Where everything came to a head as he realized his time had arrived. Along the way out he gave people these vague but poignant lines, the doctors and patients scratching their but not thinking more of it. That last couple minutes of that episode is the perfect way to describe the Wednesday before D-day. Jay drove into work that morning smiling, relishing the morning commute and enjoying the fact he was sitting in stopped traffic for twenty minutes. Trudy dished out one of her signature one-liners and Jay actually thanked her, said sometime along the lines of, 'life's too short to be serious,' which had Trudy puzzled as Jay jogged up the steps. The morning greetings were in line with his norm, the dash to the break room for small talk with Hailey went perfectly on cue. She talked about what he did during his off time, his response was, 'not let all of this consume me.' Happy sippage commenced as he strolled out, leaving Hailey to scrunch her forehead. There was a look, a sign of respect and understanding Jay and Voight shared as Jay took a seat at his desk. No one else saw it, so the secret remained in tact for the time being. Location assignments for the day's search warrant were dished out without event and the drive over was just like any other. Except for Jay, who realized this would be final of many things, the worst being the final moment of normalcy and steadiness amongst the team. Before the day was darkened everyone's lives would be, probably having a solemn night at Molly's on his behalf. As he climbed out of the truck and felt his sidearm on his leg Jay played things cool, but wasn't quite ready to take down his final perp; finding it odd that he had the opportunity to recognize that.

"Jay and Hailey take the back. The rest breach from the front." Hailey was in the process of arguing the instructions when Jay took off, small whispers for him to slow down reaching the back of his ears. Jay knew the reasoning behind it all, Voight wanting to protect him from harming things, and was touched once again.

"Take the left, I've got the front," Jay told Hailey, crouching low as she rounded the back door. Silence filled the yard, giving Jay time to plot his attack strategy. Every angle the perp could escape to Jay had to anticipate. The backyard was mostly concrete, a clothesline blocking a rundown garage. There were two back gates, one exited to the front of the house while the other dead ended into an alley. Using hand signals Jay instructed Hailey where to go just in case, her raised fist and head nod letting him know she understood. They heard the front door get breached, listened as the others called for rooms to be cleared and floors to be swept. Fifteen seconds after the door breach the back door sprung in surprise, the team's prize standing at the top of the steps. Hailey was crouched under the back porch, gun raised just in case. Jay was sitting behind a stack of crates and flats, listening to the footfalls clank closer to him. Down the steps, four steps towards the gate to the back, and then they stopped, the last sound mere inches away from his location. It was go time.

"CPD, hands up and get on the ground!" The perp did as wasn't told, bolting to freedom as Jay rose to his feet and took off after.

"Jay, wait," Hailey yelled! But that only made him grind out the dash even harder. The pump made itself known about fifty yards into the trip, Jay grimacing and shaking his head as the device moved against his skin. Relying on the instruction that the thing was indestructible Jay kept his pace, telling himself he'd check on his chest when this jerk was in handcuffs. The chase went for several blocks, passing through neighbor's yards and just missing traveling cars. The car horns were helpful in this case, giving the team a direction to follow, acting as audible breadcrumbs. It was at the river's edge when the chase reached it's finish line, Jay throwing himself on top of the guy and digging a knee deep into the back as the perp writhed under him.

"Stop it! It's over," Jay panted as he reached for the cuffs on his belt and cinched them around the guys wrists. By now the sirens of help flooded in, Voight getting out of his car first while the others were right behind. Hailey jogged in as the perp was lifted off his stomach and dragged to an awaiting cop car. Meanwhile Jay was doubled over, spitting out spit as he reveled in his exercise. The adrenaline was wildly pumping, every inch of him hurt but in the best way possible. Turning to look behind him he smiled wide, truly proud of his final chase. Then the port entered his mind.

"You good," Hailey inquired. The hand that was hovering over the port dropped to Jay's side, the location still not right to spill things.

"Yeah, that was a way to end things."

"What?"

"The case. We've got him. It's over." Hailey suspiciously nodded, her eyes narrowing at his slow walk to the truck. That was when she saw it, the corner of white on his chest. It was a small amount, but enough to confirm her theory. Jay was hiding something. Of course it was at this exact moment Voight told everyone to head back to the district. The interrogating of Jay would have to wait that much longer.

Meanwhile Jay was feeling the blood on his fingertips, cursing himself for being as aggressive as he'd been. The idea of that area having to be worked on again was enough to scare him. Removing the gauze pad uncovered a few stitches had broken but the device was still in the middle of the two incisions. Dr. Carter was right, the port just might be Jay Halstead proof. Jay texted Will to alert him of the busted incision before putting things back in place. From there it was all about getting back to the district first, readying his speech that everyone would remember but pray to forget.

…

"Nice grab, Jay," Adam congratulated as they met him in the tact room. Adam went in for a bro hug and Jay accepted, doing his best to hide the pain in another body smacking against his chest.

"How did you get back here so fast," Kim asked. Hailey looked up from the gun locker, slamming the door as she glared at Jay. Atwater was removing his vest as he offered Jay a fist bump. Voight was resting against the doorway, becoming the human blockade. This was the place, perhaps the best time deliver the news. He took a breath before beginning.

"I need to tell you guys something." He made a point of looking to each person, a varying look of worry in their eyes. What was once jubilation and celebration dimmed, the weight of the release hitting them before Jay actually said anything.

"So that day on the rooftop, turns out it was a good thing I went to the hospital. During the exam Choi found something. After a good amount of tests and scans turns out it's cancer. Hodgkin's Lymphoma to be exact. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner but…" Jay trailed off, there really wasn't a good reason for the delay in the announcement. He was scared, plain and simple. But Jay would never confess. Instead he shrugged his shoulders, looked to one of them, anyone for a response. He expected the shock and tears, which there was a good amount of, but the silence was uneasy, terrifying.

"You're joking," Adam replied, a small laugh spitting out afterwards. Jay unbuttoned a couple buttons on his shirt and pulled the collar down, revealing the bloody gauze pad.

"No, I'm not. I start treatment on Friday. Get a good look at this. It's all about to change," Jay motioned to his whole self, going from the top down. Kim couldn't take it anymore, throwing herself on him and hugging hard. She was sobbing, the tears creating a decent stain on his shirt. Jay looked over to Hailey who was intrigued by the floor, feeling his gaze but refusing to acknowledge it. Atwater just nodded, dazed and wide eyed. Adam cocked his head, now feeling like a total creep for being insensitive.

"It's going to be fine guys." In that moment Jay didn't believe that proclamation, noticing how the tables had turned. You'd think it would be them saying that to him, but that's how life went sometimes. Kim eventually backed away, wiping her eyes and smiling.

"We'll help you get through this," she said between breaths. Jay nodded, looking around to the collection of last looks. Through their telepathic ways they were saying farewell. Giving him the go-ahead to march into the unknown, seeming to be alright with the possibility they'd never see him again. Jay couldn't take it a millisecond longer.

"I'll see you guys later. Have a good night." Before they could respond Jay was gone, out the back door and on his way to the parking lot. A figure, the outline of a small, aged person standing on the driver's side of the truck stopped Jay in his tracks. Jay was standing half a foot away from the tailgate, allowing Trudy the space to move out of the shadows.

"I'm only going to do this once and you cannot tell this to another soul." Jay stared at her confused, taken aback as she walked towards him with open arms. It was odd, for lack of a better word. The women who could take on the world with nothing but a pen was holding him firmly. Her grip was intense, Jay feeling as if his circulation was being cut off from the waist down. The hug was out of character for her, unusual for Jay, but he knew she had to deal with the news in her own way. If a hug got her to come to terms with things, Jay allowed her to hug away.

"How did you know?"

"Please remember that I passed the detectives exam twice. Also know I never reveal my sources." It was Voight, but Jay allowed her mystery to remain in tact.

"I'm just glad I don't have to say it again." Trudy pulled away from Jay, took his hand and squeezed it in between her two.

"You need anything, and I mean anything. Do not hesitate to ask." Jay nodded, his hand springing free from her grip.

"Thanks, Sarge." Slapping his arm she ushered him to the truck. She stepped away as he put the backup lights on and began to roll out. Trudy walked to the end of the lot as he turned on the blinker, peered out into the street and watched as her detective, a dear person under her watchful wings, disappeared into the glow of dusk.

**How is everyone doing? I wrote this ending several times, completely stumped on how Jay would finally tell the team. Knowing him he'd wait till the last second, probably make the announcement quick and his departure speedy. I hope you guys liked how it all turned out. Also, that ledge in the beginning of the chapter is very much real. There's one along North Avenue Beach. When I visited in January I thought about going out there but slipping on ice and falling into Lake Michigan wasn't very appealing at the time. Great ready because the next chapter is when it all begins. Thank you so much for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- The First Is The Worst

**I'd like to begin with a recognition. Thank you so much, Lezzles1956 for sharing your story. First, I'm so happy that you are well and that you were able to find your cancer so early and quickly. Second, thank you for courageously sharing your story with everyone. I cannot imagine the emotions and uncertainties that you faced during that time and I applaud your bravery. I was tearing up reading your comment. You are so kind and sweet and amazing and I thank you so much. **

**You guys are all awesome. Every time I post I'm convinced that is the chapter where you will start hating me, but for the millionth time you've proved me wrong. Also, I do apologize for taking so long to post! This has been the week from someplace awful and I'm getting ready to head out of town. So this chapter is going to be paced a little differently than the previous one's. This chapter is purely about the first cycle of Jay's chemo therapy treatment. We'll be taking things a day at a time rather than an event at a time. Over the coming chapters we'll see different parts of life during this stage of the treatment, but this first one is to really establish what goes on, especially during the first round of stuff. Alright, let's get into it. **

It was Friday, D-day, the pin drop on the timeline when it all began. Jay awoke that morning feeling very much like King Theoden at the battle of Helms Deep. He was standing on the fortress wall, looking out at the incoming wave of terror. The onslaught of destruction marching right up to his front door and all he could do is stand and wait and hope to see the sunrise the next morning, except in Jay's case it would be many months from now. But the kicker was that rain began to fall outside his window, the extra thick drops kicking against the windows and roof. Without moving Jay rolled his eyes and smirked, marveling how life and art and mind games can sometimes have this blurring effect, like the Earth knows what we're thinking and saying and does what would come next.

"So it begins," Jay quietly spoke to the ceiling before rubbing his eyes in embarrassment. It was to be a day of firsts after a night of lacking, thus the reason for the out-of-character moment. His replaying of the Two Towers was shortly interrupted by the ringing of his phone. Jay rolled to his left side of see Hailey calling him, a small sigh coming out of him before answering.

"Hey," Jay answered, sitting up in bed and doing his best to remain calm and normal.

"Hey!" There was a quiver in her voice, liked she'd just been crying or was about to. Choosing to ignore it Jay got up, made his way to the kitchen as she spoke.

"So what time is your treatment?"

"Noon, but Will said it probably won't start till two. Apparently there's a whole process you have to go through before actually getting the chemo." There was a hesitation on her end, Jay figuring she was pulling the phone away from herself so Jay didn't hear.

"How's work? How are you guys doing?" Hailey's laugh was partially forced, the combination of inhaling and sniffs telling him all he needed to know.

"Only you would ask about work on the day of something big and personal."

"It's a good distraction."

"Well I just got in so we'll see what the day has in store. Anyway I'm going to text you something and you cannot read it until you start treatment."

"Ok?!"

"I'm serious! It'll ruin the whole thing if you open it too early."

"Alright, alright," Jay laughed. This was their thing. He knew he didn't have to have serious talks with her nor did they need to apologize to the other person. When they had conversations like this after something big this was all that was needed, the signal that things were fine and one supported the other. It was different yet refreshing and Jay grew to like it. He could hear the commotion of the day at the district, pick up the whispering of people before Hailey confirmed things. He hated not being there, despised being the root cause for things changing. But he had to do this, had to put himself first for awhile. It was going to be the hardest part out of this whole journey.

"So what are you going to do between now and then?"

"Well I was going go to out for a run but with it seriously pouring…I'll just stick to sitting on the couch downing buckets of water."

"Yeah, keep up with that. A lot of people said that helps flush the drugs out."

"My water bill is going to skyrocket but whatever." A genuine laugh broke out on the other end, making Jay smirk. It wasn't that great of a joke but was glad it made her better.

"Well we're all thinking about you and really proud. If you need anything.."

"-I know."

"Ok, I've gotta go. Text us when you're done. Or have Will do it."

"Definitely. Thanks Hailey."

"Yup. Ok, bye." The line went dead right after. Jay threw the phone on the couch before plopping himself on one of the cushions. The mood of his place and the immediate world was peaceful, yet he wasn't. He wasn't nervous or emotional, but weird. Like he wanted to get the chemo going, which he knew he'd all too soon hate himself for. But perhaps that's why they make you wait so long, forcing you to eventually come to this acceptance mentality. Jay looked around the apartment once before concluding he wasn't going to stay here till noon. Donning his workout gear and grabbing his shoes he was out of the door. If he couldn't run in the great, raining outdoors, the gym would have to suffice his desire to push away the day's oddness.

…

He was running late, but this time it actually was the train's fault. With Will being on duty till twelve Jay made the call to ride the train in, Will being his way home. It was still pouring out when he reached the El stop closest to his apartment. The umbrella was left at home for the sake of bringing too much stuff to the hospital. Through his little amount of research one thing greatly stood out: do not over pack. People often talked about how much stuff they brought the first time, some comparing their load to a weekend vacation. The reason was because they didn't know what they might need and what the facility provided. Jay opted to keep the blankets and books and pillows at home, choosing to have on his person his phone, AirPods, loose comfortable clothing, and a charger. Everything else would work out. At least that's what he told himself before stepping out into the day's monsoon weather. He wasn't totally soaked when he arrived at the train stop, but was too far off from that either. He swiped his card over the reader and jogged up the steps and practically dove onto the car before the doors closed. It was during the initial jolt into gear that Jay found a seat and sat, catching his breath from the exhilarating cardio.

If there was ever a place to be a fly on the wall, I'd pick a subway train. With the number of people crammed into those cars at any given time of day, the back stories are almost guaranteed to be adventurous. Especially in a city as massive and diverse as Chicago, you could hear anything from multigenerational traditions being planned out for the night to an average, thirty-five year old guy on his way to his first chemo treatment. Certainly it was the middle of the day on a weekday, but one would've never guessed that by looking at the capacity of the train. Babies were crying, parents and nannies are doing their best to quiet them, the promise of food and rest awaiting them at their stop. There were business people yelling into their phones about deals while random college students were laughing at something. It all came together as noise, the sultry sounds of life in the city. Everyone had something big going on, no two people were doing the exact same thing today. Staring at them before turning to the scenery out the window Jay figured it out, that his story was just one of a million residing in this town. It was as if they all were playing a role, daily taking a card out of a bowl and told to live that occupation or role out. Today he chose the chemo card, and would be doing that for quite some time. While these people didn't know him they were playing a role, silencing any worry Jay had between this moment and his front door. As big as his story was, someone else was in a far worse or better place. It made him feel normal, alive, playing the game of life like everyone else. As he wove his way into the Loop and made the train swap to continue his quest to the facility, he was ready for what lay at the other end.

Dr. Carter's office was located on the hospital campus, but getting there was rather different from Jay's prior visits to Med. Instead of going through the ED entrance you had to head towards the main entrance, take the massive elevator four floors up before weaving your way through hallways and doors before before arriving at the large, glass encased department, the words 'oncology' in bold and lit above the front door. From the front entrance to the department doors Jay's time was two minutes and seven seconds. Opening the front door revealed Will resting against the nurse's station with coffee cup and smoothie in hand.

"You just barely made it." Jay turned around to watch the clock change over from 11:59 to 12:00.

"But I made it." Here is where the series of rooms began. The first stop of the day was the waiting room. After checking in and having the first admission band adorned on his wrist, the Halsteads took a seat in a corner of the room. Now it is important to add this was the same waiting room from all those weeks. Looking around at the room had Jay still seeing those three categories, analyzing himself as somewhere between the beginning and middle. He knew what was going on and was in the process of fixing it, but the transformation of his exterior hadn't happened yet. The one thing that was different from the last time was the music, at least the music in Jay's mind. Today's selection was the Jaws theme, or something that built and built the tension. He was fully aware of the cruelty in that idea but he couldn't help but chuckle, cover his mouth when Will looked his way.

"What?"

"Nothing." Will thrust the smoothie into Jay's hand.

"Drink it. You need the protein and antioxidants."

"If I consume another liquid I'm going to burst." Will only pushed the cup further Jay's way.

"Drink. You'll thank me later." The smoothie was gritty and tasted way beyond healthy, but Jay did as was told, holding out the empty cup in victory a moment later.

"So how long is this all going to take?"

"At least three, four hours. You've got to have blood work done, measurements and weight done before meeting with the doctor. From there you have to be pre-medicated before they finally start the chemo. It's a day long thing."

"Is there a bathroom break anywhere in there?" Will just rolled his eyes, applauding Jay's attempt to be as relaxed and humorous in the face of great terror. It was at this point the nurse called Jay back, moving him to the second room of the day.

Calling it a room is a bit of a stretch, it was more like a closet without a door. The room had a chair, locked cabinet, and a countertop and sink. It had a single light that was beyond bright, Jay convinced he'd get a tan if he sat in there for too long. Before entering the room Jay's height and weight were taken, all key pieces in prescribing the perfect amount of drugs. Once that was done Jay took a sat in the chair, holding his arm out before the nurse and Will chuckled.

"It's all done through the port," Will explained, Jay's face turning red with embarrassment.

"Just unbutton the shirt a little bit, you don't have to take it off." The panic was there for a split second, the raised bump on his chest bringing back the insertion day, but the fact he couldn't feel it anymore was doing wonders. The port was now a part of Jay. Just like he had a heart and middle toe and finger nails, he had a port on the right side of his chest. He watched as the nurse cleaned around the device before sticking the needle into the correct spot, Jay experiencing the clicking for the first time. It's hard to explain if you haven't had it. Perhaps the best way to describe it is Legos, that snap and tight sensation after you connect two bricks. It was a weird, odd sensation that Jay never envisioned having to go through. But before long the blood was drawn and the IV line for the chemo in place and taped to his chest. This was the first time Jay truly felt like he was sick, looking down at his chest drove home that things weren't alright under the skin.

"You can button the shirt up," Will commented, hoping to bring Jay back down to sanity.

"Oh, yeah." Jay wasted no time doing the task, ignoring the twinge of discomfort from the needle and tape. From here they were guided to the third and final room of the day, the place where it'd all be going down. It is important to note that every one of these kinds of rooms is different. Some rooms are designed for communal treatments, where there are several people in one room receiving their doses of the chemo. Other facilities are set up like hospital rooms complete with beds and chairs while some are totally private rooms with just a chair or just a bed. Jay and Will were guided to a private room with two chairs and a television in it. The room was painted a light hue of grey and the lighting was normal, nothing compared to the blood draw room. It was warmer in here than in the other spots and the best part was the bathroom, allowing Jay the privacy and short walk should he need it. One of the chairs was a typical hospital chair, one you see in TV and movies that people sit on when undergoing chemo. The other was more of a recliner, Jay figuring that was for the family member or friend.

"So this is where it's going down?"

"Yup," the nurse replied. Jay sat in his place while Will took his, the nurse offering a blanket and pillow and Jay shook them off for the moment, not quite connecting the need for that. But give him time, that'll all change.

"Alright it looks like the blood is at the lab and we should have results soon. Dr. Carter will be in soon to give you the results and start things. It's kind of her thing to get things started for the patients. Can I get you anything? Food, drink?" Jay shook his head, the nurse departing not long after. Another thing Jay picked up on was the tone of the place. Everyone was whispering, everyone had that sensitive, singing voice to them. Jay didn't get it, wondered why people were tip toeing around him, almost as if they were waiting for him to snap. But he didn't tell any of this to Will, choosing to lay back and close his eyes.

"How was work," Jay asked?

"Fine, slow. I'm sure with the rain things will pick up," Will replied. Jay nodded, still not opening his eyes.

"Did you talk to anyone this morning?" A single, judging eye cracked open.

"Huh?"

"Did you talk to anyone?"

"Hailey called, just to see how things were going." It was at that exact moment the promised text came through to his phone, Jay shocked at how life worked that way sometimes. Just as your talking about someone or something, that person or thing comes into a conversation.

"What?"

"Nothing." For the next forty-five minutes they talked about random things, each other's work, the Cubs likelihood of winning the division, just having a normal, brotherly conversation. Part of it was to distract Jay, but mostly it was to keep things routine between both of them. While Jay was going through the physical side of things, all of them were beginning the mental aspect of the disease. So to keep things in tact, continue that normal way of life was crucial. Furthermore, it was Will's way of keeping his promise. They were joking about a childhood story when Dr. Carter knocked on the door, her beaming face and overly happy voice injecting life into the room.

"Hey guys! Are we ready for this?"

"Sure," Jay replied, not at her level of excitement.

"So everything looks great and you're cleared for takeoff. So we're going to start with the anti-nausea medication and steroids. For the first round I like to give patients the normal dosages and types of medication, just to see how you react to things. As we go along we can add or remove stuff depending on your preference."

"What are the steroids for," Jay asked as the IV bags were hung on the stand. Dr. Carter was screwing the end of the IV line to the port, beginning the drip process as she spoke.

"They really help with the nausea and the inflammation that comes from the chemo. We like to push them before the chemo and then send you home with a prescription. After you're done with the chemo I'm also going to give you a dose of Benedryl, it'll help you sleep tonight."

"When do the side effects start happening," Will asked?

"It varies by person, but typically the nausea will start tonight or tomorrow morning. The fatigue is something you just have to endure. You can take over-the-counter pain relievers but giving him anything stronger will actually make him vomit. Speaking of, the vomiting will probably be around day three, but hopefully the anti-nausea meds will help lessen that. Some people report never throwing up on them while others have to try many kinds of drugs before finding the one that lessens symptoms."

"So throwing up if just about guaranteed," Jay commented. Dr. Carter shrugged as she nodded.

"Unfortunately. It's gotta get out of the body somehow. Ok, so this will be done in an hour and then we start the big stuff. I will see you guys then."

"Thanks, Susan," Will commented as she slipped behind the door, a small wave going in their direction.

"Was she flirting," Jay asked?

"Ah, the drugs are already working." Jay laughed, completely agreeing. He was definitely floating, but not as bad as he did on the relaxant. He was calm, super chill, like everything was great. He was definitely still coherent and able to keep up a conversation, but his senses were just a bit lightened. On the plus side, the nerves were gone.

"Do you mind if I sleep for the next hour?" Jay shook his head.

"Go right ahead, you probably need it more than me."

"Oh what you don't know," Will commented. For the next hour Jay mindlessly watched Food Network while listening to Will snore and turn in the chair. Aside from where they were and what was being pumped into him, it felt like a fun slumber party. But what Jay didn't know was this was just the valley part, the fun side of it all.

…

Chemotherapy in its' essence is poison. The super long, Scrabble board constructed names may be fancy and important, but at the heart of every drug is its' poisonous, deadly factor. On top of killing the bad, the beyond potent drugs would destroy the good. Thus the reason for the hair side effect and the nausea, it was the chemo wrecking havoc on a body. As Dr. Carter made her way into the room, with special attire and a cooler of the drugs, this unspoken truth struck Jay. Will was still asleep when she came in so talking was kept to a minimum. Jay intensely watched as the woman donned two gowns and two set of gloves before handling the cooler. The packaging was silver and opaque, allowing its' contents to be a complete mystery. The IV line for pre-medication was removed, a new line and needle inserted for the chemo. Again, necessary steps to make sure the poison didn't cause harm to the administrators. Time slowed down for a moment, Jay not blinking as the bag was hung and the thin, plastic tube ran down to his chest, meeting the port where it would soon be dripping into his system. Dr. Carter had her thumb on the green button, ready to release the life wrecker in Jay's system.

"Do you want to wake him up?" Jay looked over to Will who was well into a deep sleep, his frazzled hair and open mouth giving way to that. On the one hand Jay didn't want to disturb him, but the flip side was that Will would be upset he missed this moment. He nodded, Dr. Carter leaving her position by the IV stand and moving towards Will.

"Will, we're getting ready to start." Nothing changed on Will's part.

"Will!" Jay's shout might've awoken half the hospital, but it did the trick. In no time Will was sitting up and taking in things.

"What, is it all done?"

"No, we're getting ready to start." Will nodded, moving away from the chair and kneeling next to Jay, resting his chin on an arm of the chair. The three of them looked to each other, looking for that prepared look before turning to face the other. What came out of the mystery bag was clear, just another tease that chemo was friendly and positive. Jay envisioned a green, murky sludge clumping out of the IV bag, so was surprised when the stuff looked normal. He watched the line of drugs move slowly down the into the drip before traveling down the IV line, his chin resting on his chest as the clear liquid disappeared into his chest. They had liftoff.

The first thing that registered was the chilling sensation. No joke, Jay had goosebumps sprouting all over him, beginning from the chest and working outward. He'd read about this possibility, but watching it happen on him was a whole other level of weird. He now understood why blankets were offered, holding out about a minute before asking for one. He could feel the drugs flooding his system, smell the saltiness and metallic taste of the stuff. Chemo was promised to be strong and if the first moments of it were this bad, the next week was quickly dreaded.

"How's it going," Dr. Carter asked a couple minutes in?

"All I can taste is metal, like I'm licking a penny or something."

"Ok, we can try an ice pop or something with a strong taste, but that's pretty normal. Should go away in a day or so." Had he had the capability Jay would've cursed, but the disgusting taste made moving his mouth next to impossible. He needed a distraction, something to take him out of this initial phase if only for a moment.

"Will, can I have my phone?" Rising from his spot Will scrounged through the hospital bag of goods, holding up the phone before long.

"Are you wanting to listen to something?" Jay nodded. Will offered to unlock the phone and put the earbuds in place, but Jay gently yanked that task away. Inside the promised text message was a song followed by a short text. Jay selected the song and cranked the volume all the way up. It was a calming, piano introduction followed by soft singing and stunning orchestration. The title was 'Satellite' by Ben Abraham. In simple terms the tune was about being someone's rock, the very thing to turn to when things were bad. No matter where they were or what was going on, the writer would be there. Jay absolutely loved it, couldn't have thought of a better way to start this three hour session. To say he was beyond touched by Hailey's careful, thoughtful music selection is an understatement. But what made him tear up was the text message.

"While we're not there in person, please remember we're there in spirit. You can do this and we're all right behind you." Jay looked up at the ceiling, doing his best to push tears back into their pockets.

"You alright, Jay," Will asked? Jay just nodded, laughed as he lowered his head back down.

"I'll be back to check on you in another hour. Try and rest, ok? Do you want the relaxant?"

"Not right now." For the next hour Jay did his best to eat whatever was dished out, keeping the song on repeat during that time. It was the escape he needed, the fantasy world to visit when the nerves and anxiety got to be too much. Television was utilized the entire time, beginning with Jay's need for it before turning things over to Will. It was during a rerun of Seinfeld that Will laughed and looked over to a passed out Jay, the song blaring enough for the room to hear. Removing the earbuds didn't wake Jay nor did the adjusting of the blanket. This was a new side of Jay, exhaustion. He was in it now, the battle in the early stages yet.

…

He awoke when the IV needle slipped out of the port, the pressure from the gauze acting as a fabulous wake up call. Looking around the room told him a great amount of time had passed. The television was off and being pushed out of the room. Will was standing and whispering to the nurse. The whole place was quiet, more so than when he first entered. For half a second he felt completely fine. But the more he blinked and was conscious the more he realized he was far from alright.

"Is it done?"

"Yeah, wrapped up a couple minutes ago," Will replied. Jay nodded, before moving himself to a sitting up position. The act in doing that is what stirred up the aches and stiffness, feeling as if he was on the cusp of a flu.

"The Benadryl should help tonight with the sleep, but tomorrow you're going to have to make yourself fall asleep." The whole body was feeling weird. Aside from the flu-like sensation he was still floating from the anti-nausea meds, not too mention the struggle in deciphering if he was hungry or about to puke. Will balled up the blanket that once laid on Jay as the nurse gave out post-care instructions, reminding them both about the medication and when the true brunt of the side effects would kick in. Jay just zoned out and nodded, just wanting to get out of the room and into his warm and comfortable bed at home. No one wants to be away from their house when they're feeling this bad, especially when the bout was somewhat self induced. Before too long the nurse stepped away, returning with a wheelchair for Jay who wasn't having any of it. Will did his best to coax, alert him how far away the parking lot was to their location, but Jay wanted to have that shroud of dignity. Certainly at some point down the road he physically wouldn't be able to make it, but that wasn't the case today. So the two of them walked arm in arm, Jay leaning more on Will as they waved farewell to the staff. The trip was shocking, both brothers floored at the power, speed, and disabling qualities of the chemo. Getting to the elevator was a step-by-step eight minute shuffle, Jay really leaning on Will as they dropped to the parking lot level.

"This is like having five colds at once," Jay mumbled he as rested against the handrail of the elevator, closing his eyes in search of strength.

"They say the first is the worst. After this it'll all be downhill because you know what to expect and will be able to better prepare for it."

"Let's hope." Their floor chimed off and the doors gracefully and smoothly opened. Will extended an arm for a crutch and Jay accepted, the two of them moving as one to the car. The always thoughtful Will chose to park as close to the entrance as possible, making Jay's journey as small as possible. After some assistance in the passenger side Will rounded the vehicle, quietly opening the door and sitting before closing the door shut. From there both of them had a moment of silence. Recognizing what just happened and preparing for what was ahead. Today was zero day, the predecessor of what was to come. Will eventually looked to Jay who nodded in understanding: they were in it now.

"I forgot, can you text them and tell things are done?"

"Yeah," Will replied, the sound of the tapping keys acting as jack hammers. Jay closed his eyes as he listened to the text message be scripted, silently wishing Will would use fewer words.

"Do you want to listen to anything," he asked while backing out? Jay shook his head.

"What about food?"

"Let's not talk about that right now."

"I'm sorry. It's already started?"

"A little bit. It's not puke status yet but it's there, in the back of the mind."

"Ok, well at some point you need to put some amount of energy in your system." Jay nodded, grateful for Will's odd vocabulary selection, wary of the need to not use certain words. The weaving, twisting trip from the parking spot to the level ground was slow but appreciated. As the solid ground bumped under the wheels of the vehicle Jay loudly exhaled. The release into the world was complete. One down, five more of these bumps to go, or so he hoped.

The morning's rain gave way to a foggy, muggy, overly humid evening. It was nearing the 5pm mark now, the congestion of the city letting the Halsteads know life was happening outside the hospital walls today. For the most part the ride to Jay's was a bumper-to-bumper, stop and go trip, Will's occasionally touchy breaking making Jay blurt out his thoughts. Jay kept his eye fixed on the world outside the window, searching for something to distract him from the growing awfulness all over. The fog made seeing the tip top of the massive buildings impossible. Their blinking lights for the planes made for an interesting light show, Jay's only way of knowing when they were underneath the monumental structures. After that were the copious amounts of street lights the multi-level buildings, all twinkling their florescent glory in the waning moments of light. In his weird mental state Jay thought they were showing signs of supports, quiet yet ever present representations. The world outside the window was peaceful, bustling yet in tune with its' norm. Overlooking the honking car horns and hundreds of bikers the place was a stunning, architectural masterpiece. It was enamoring and comforting to know that whatever was going on in one's life, this city would always be there and always try to make you smile. Their congested trip fanned out as they made their way further out of the center, the scenery changing from cars and subways stops to sidewalks and children and actual homes. Some people were walking their dogs while kids were running down the street, baseball or football in hand. It was that time of year where baseball was just about over and football was in the process of getting started, a sports lover's dream season. The quiet, suburban life gave way to the apartment, urban lifestyle, letting Jay know he was just about home.

By sheer luck the parking spot directly in front of the building's entrance was available. Will was giddy, clapping his hands and brimming with pride as he parallel parked into the spot. Jay managed a smirk, glad one of them was thrilled with things. Jay managed to unbuckle himself and sit up, Will opening the door for him and extending a hand.

"Why did I chose to live on the third floor," Jay moaned as he looked high into the heavens?

"C'mon, you can do it." Jay pushed the helping hand away, propelling himself to a standing position and doing his best impression of walking. The building was quiet, people still trickling in from work or others heading out for the night. None of them noticed the feeble, zombie looking neighbor fixating his eyes on the elevator buttons. The 'up' button was selected before Jay rested an arm on the wall, closing his eyes as he breathed. The Benadryl was coming on strong now, winning out against the nausea, which Jay didn't care in the least. Soon the chime for the car arrived and both brothers boarded, riding in silence. Jay popped right out when they reached the floor, his efforts only allowing him four steps out before he had to stop.

"Do you need help," Will asked while watching Jay double over. A head shake was the only answer, Jay soon upright and willing, forcing himself to the front door. From there it was a matter of unlocking the door and collapsing into bed. Will pulled Jay's shoes off before shifting pillows and sheets to cocoon Jay in bed. Sure, Jay was laying on his stomach, possibly doing damage to something, but he was completely out.

"I'm going to run to the pharmacy for the meds," he whispered close Jay's ear, the smallest nod letting him know the message was received. The threat of puke ending up in Jay's bed was there, but Will was confident Jay would manage to get himself to the right location. Snores and quiet moans echoed out of the room as Will closed the bedroom door, letting himself know he'd been gifted time to put the finishing touches on things. Time was of the essence.

…

Despite its' high dosage the Benadryl maybe lasted the time span of a lengthy nap. Jay awoke to feeling as if a fleet of trucks rolled over him. Perhaps if he hadn't fallen asleep he wouldn't feel as bad as he did. Blinking was a chore, never realizing how often he did it till this evening. He was sweating yet chilly, couldn't get comfortable if his life depended on it. The port pushing into his chest is what finally made his roll to his side, the new position seeming to release the newest level of nausea. Hints of the side effect were swapped out for legitimate temptations. A small smell or word would probably be enough to do him in. He needed a distraction, something to qualm the nerves and knowledge of what was to come. A curse or two might've come out, but miraculously Jay got himself out of bed and to the bedroom door, swinging it open to find Will on the couch, some sporting event blaring on the television. The doorknob might've made a dent in the wall, but no one noticed.

"Holy cow, you're up." Jay was a mess, his clothing completely disheveled and skin already looking green with sick. His whole demeanor was glazed over, looking very much like someone who endured something awful that day. He nodded as Will stared at him, the two of them concurring: Jay had managed to reach shit level and it was only day one.

"How long was I out," Jay asked as he sat on one end of the couch?

"Um two, three hours maybe. Cards game already finished and this is in the seventh."

"Did they win?"

"Yeah, 1-0 over the Giants."

"Stupid Cards," Jay mumbled.

"I know, but we're up 6-1." For the moment the Cubs were three games behind the division lead, needing to both win and get help from other teams, the night's results looking like that would have to wait another day. Jay grabbed a pillow from the chair, shoving it under his head as he curled into a ball, still trying to find that position that was semi-comfortable. But alas, the feeling of being gross was outweighing any attempts.

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Jay, at least try water. You need something." Will was gone before he could protest, holding a water bottle with a straw under his face in record time. All Jay tasted was metal, his brain telling him he was drinking batteries. The bitterness and fear of consuming acid sprung life out of him, pushing Will out of the way as he ran to the bathroom. Will stood outside the door listening, just breathing as he heard the first of many dry heaves and gags before the toilet flushed.

"Well?" Jay opened the door and shook his head.

"I just spit it out. Nothing came up."

"Ok, that's good I guess." Jay shrugged, slinking back to the couch and collapsing. This was just the preview for the remainder of the night. Before the game ended Jay had managed to go through every pillow and blanket in his place; had sat on every chair, couch, and bed. He couldn't get comfortable, the achey-ness of his everything not allowing for it. But the real butt kicker was the nausea. Sitting for too long made it worse, lying to flat made him spring for the bathroom, still up had him not able to fall asleep. It was all about finding that perfect degree, which took some serious tweaking and trial and error. But that wasn't the thing that made him unable to sleep that first night.

The idea of nausea had turned into full dry heave sessions. Sometimes they lasted several minutes, other times it was one burp. The other thing was that they came at different times for varying lengths. There was a particular moment in the 3am hour that Will stood outside the bathroom door and wept, letting it all out as he listened to Jay try stop the full on gags. Now it partly had to do with the very small amount of sleep he'd had in the last day and a half, but a lot of it had to do with the helplessness. There was nothing on this Earth he could do to change things, lessen the blow. All he could do was sit and watch and that pained him more than anything.

"Oh this sucks," Jay yelled as he opened the bathroom door, Will blushing as he wiped under his eyes.

"Are you crying?"

"Nope," Will replied, turning away for a brief moment. Jay knew he was lying, but was too disgusted with his situation to say anything.

"I just want to throw up. It'll help things."

"Oh you're so going to hate that you said that."

"Probably," Jay laughed, using Will as a crutch to get back to the couch. For the next several hours this commute between the living room and bathroom went down. By the time exhaustion won out the sun was just beginning to rise. Throughout the night Will added to his pillow collection, creating a makeshift bed on the floor in close proximity to the couch. Jay meanwhile had four bed pillows, two throw pillows, all the couch cushions, and two blankets propped and positioned before finally, victoriously falling asleep.

…

"Hey! Yeah, he's sleeping right now. He had a pretty bad night last night, didn't fall asleep till six. No, he hasn't thrown up yet but it's the nausea that's killing him." The hushed voice of Will in the kitchen is what stirred him. Opening his eyes to the world revealed that everything was fine. The sun was shining and the sky was clear. The blankets and pillows on and around him were disheveled and thrown, evidence that he had an active night's rest. But perhaps the most startling and odd thing about the day was the lack of anything. He felt completely fine. No aches or pains or even nausea, plus his head wasn't floating anymore. Sitting up was complete before he even realized, which was welcomed in this instance.

"It shouldn't start till tonight, definitely by tomorrow. I'll let him know you guys called. Yeah, definitely. Thanks, guys." Will must've heard Jay arising because in no time he was at the couch, Gatorade and pills in hand.

"Hey, how are things?"

"They're gone. All of it." Will sighed, pushing the contents in his hands closer to Jay's.

"Yeah, that's normal. Means things are calming before it gets bad. In the meantime, drink that." Without asking Jay swallowed what was presented to him, figuring they were to help or stave things off, protesting would only make things worse at this point.

"Who was on the phone," Jay inquired between gulps?

"Voight, everyone, they wanted to see how you were doing." Jay nodded, staring into nothing as the liquids pooled in his stomach. With being at that level of empty he swore he could feel the Gatorade trickling down his throat and into his stomach. It was a weird sensation to say the least.

"What do you want to do first: shower, walk around, eat?"

"Walk around?"

"You've got to use this small window of normal-ness to move around. You'll thank me two days from now when you can't get out of bed."

"Well don't you know how to paint a pretty picture." Will laughed.

"So let's get up and walk around the block." Jay wasn't as spry and agile as he normally was, but that morning was lightyear's better than the previous night. Had he known what sleeping would do to him perhaps he'd have pushed himself more. Throwing on clothes was easy and doing the morning routine had very little limitations. The act of brushing his hair was when he first noticed it, the clump that came out with the brush. It wasn't a large amount, but a definite sign of what was to come. Jay just swallowed it, mentally telling himself that it would all be temporary. Six months from now he'd look and feel normal, or so people told him. He shut the bathroom light off and headed back to the main living area, finding Will lacing up shoes and ready to head out.

"Oh man, the eyes have started." Jay stared at him oddly, very much missing the understanding of Will's comment.

"The dark circles under them. It's all part of the chemo. Didn't think it would kick in this early." Jay shrugged, choosing to ignore the mirror by the front door.

"We all knew this was happening. Just have to ride it out."

"Yup." Before long the two of them were on the other side of the door, heading down the hall to the great outdoors. Jay prayed this round of inhaling fresh air would be different, better than the previous time. The trek for the most part was silent, Jay and Will would point things out or question the other but for the most part they were silent. Jay figured Will was as exhausted he was and didn't want to dwell on it. The same was true for Will, knowing the thoughts and ideas running through Jay's head, talking about what was right on the horizon was perhaps the last thing he needed. This moment was about being there, doing the journey alongside him as best he could. Talking and dissecting would be done at other parts of the trip, right now was about enjoying the quiet, calming moments, storing up energy for later on.

The walk was beneficial in many ways. For starters, fresh air never harmed anyone, it's cool, freeing qualities both lifting and healing to those going through all that Jay was. Secondly the body needs to move. One of the ways to fight chemo fatigue is to move around. Even if it's a couple minutes in one's living space, moving would encourage the body to keep fighting, continue building up stamina against the disease. Finally, and personally, Jay loved diving back into the city. It was a force bigger, stronger, and far more mysterious than him. Living in that small versus large state, and getting snapshots into the thousands of lifestyles, was exactly what he needed: proof that life can and will move on, even on days when he doesn't feel like it. By the twenty minute marker the aches began knocking, his stomach actually growling for the first time in over a day.

"What do you want to try," Will asked when they were half a block away from the apartment's front door?

"Eggs, toast, maybe some coffee."

"We can arrange that," Will replied as he opened the door, ushering Jay back into the dungeon that was his apartment. The remainder of the afternoon involved forcing Jay to eat and sleep, both of them mirroring each other's activities. That Saturday afternoon was a blur, but would soon be realized to be the highlight of the whole thing. By nightfall things took a turn for the nasty, altering worse.

…

It began just before the strike of midnight. Leading up things were changing and Jay knew it, had that gut feeling. Will was on a chair, eating of all things, while Jay sat curled in a ball on the couch. There's this weird mindset one has to get into for something like this. In typical stomach bug cases one is bargaining, mental saying they'll do anything to not do that nasty act. Or people will refuse that that is what's happening. But that wasn't the case for Jay. He knew it was coming, had no way to stop it, so it was about asking himself to just get things going. The only thing he could do is endure the unknown, pray it wasn't going to be as bad as people reported. So curled in a ball, staring at the start of the NFL season, was when he heard that small voice give him the heads up.

"It's time." Newfound strength got him up and heading towards the bathroom in record time. He made it to opening the lid before it all began. It was scary. It was real. Jay was at peace with it all, oddly enough. The wait and mysteriousness behind it had vanished. He was in it now.

"Will," was all he spoke. The tone and use of the word told Will all he needed to know. He stood at the bathroom, held a hand on the door as he listened to his brother go through it. If he couldn't be there at least he wanted to put his mark on the place. The grossness went on for a couple minutes, the sound of Jay's groan and the toilet flushing letting Will know it had ceased for the time being.

"You have to flush twice," he spoke into a crack of the door.

"What?!"

"Flush. Twice. It's only toxic stuff you're throwing up." Will listened for the flushing again before opening the door, finding Jay flat on the floor on his back with his eyes closed.

"Do you want to get in bed or stay on the couch?"

"Bed."

"Ok, let's get you in that direction. Also brush your teeth and then rinse the sink out."

"Huh?"

"Right now you're a toxic, borderline radioactive human being. If I touch anything your spit or stomach contents have been there's a chance I get hurt by the stuff. So you have to dilute and clean places. Chemo is really powerful stuff."

"Yeah." Jay got up and did as he was told, flopping into bed and allowing Will to tuck him in. The nausea was replaced with chills, his body doing everything it could to shake the chemo out of him. People were spot on in comparing chemo side effects to a horrific flu. There were the chills, the extreme fatigue, and the vomiting. Despite the medication's best efforts nothing was slowing or alleviating things.

The next two days became a complete blur, neither Will nor Jay really knowing the time or even day. People offered to come help, but the depleted immune system of Jay's kept them away. Overtime help from the outside world could come in, but this first round needed to be just the two of them. The vomiting was unrelenting. Jay amazed he was able to make it to the bathroom in time. He'd never been this sick in his life, not even the time he was five and got sick on the way to a family vacation. Eating stopped for two days, but the stuff just kept coming. Bile was reached at the end of day three, from there new shades of gross came up. At one point Jay sat in the shower for an obscene amount of time, just letting whatever happen occur. He was miserable and shaking and unable to move, the healing power of water running all over his body the closest thing to comfort.

Will was spot on about Jay not being able to get out of bed, day four saw this phenomena take place. Jay was on the cusp of another episode, doing his best to roll over and get up, but the ability wasn't there. Will had to lift and just about drag him to the bathroom, foregoing the threat to his health to make sure Jay received all the help he needed. Once things died down the two of them laid on the bathroom floor, staring at the ceiling in splendid amazement at how drastically life had changed. A month ago Jay was running over rooftops in a very Ethan Hunt style. Today he couldn't do the simplest of tasks on his own.

"How did mom do this by herself? Not tell us," Jay asked?

"I don't know. She was one of the strongest people out there. She just made herself do get through it."

"Yeah, I miss her."

"I know, me too." The two of them laid there for another hour, both laughing at how lazy they were being. Will was the first to attempt getting up, providing Jay some comedic relief as he rose like a thousand year old person. Once the two of them were upright Will guided them to the bed, placing Jay in his spot before rounding the bed and claiming the other side. It was something he'd been doing since the previous day, realizing that Jay was dismal and and didn't want him to be alone. The chances of being thrown up on were there, but Will wasn't going to have it any other way.

"Hey, you know you got your strength from her, right?"

"We both did," Jay quietly spoke, allowing Will to hesitate.

"You're going to get through this. Remember.."

"-The first is the worst, I know." Jay wasn't being rude, but telling Will he got things, understood the toll it all would take on him. By day five things started to look up, Jay able to eat again without fear. Day six Will returned to a half day of work, arranged to take place while Jay slept the night away. Day seven things returned to normal for the most part. Jay went out into the world while Will moved out for a week, the two of them becoming those passing ships again. It was on a walk around Millennium Park that Jay realized the worst was over. Certainly he was weak and felt to have aged a hundred years, but he was alive and doing normal things. Then a second thought struck him: work. He'd have five days of it before things went south again. Five days of normal life, freedom lay at his feet. He intended on making the most out of them.

**So this chapter's ending was a bit abrupt. There's so much stuff going on and info to report that it's hard to find a good ending. I hope you guys enjoyed this one. The next chapter is going to be shorter, in every sense of that word. We gave hint to it in this chapter. Also I encourage you guys to listen to the songs that are mentioned in the story. Apart of my research for this project was the music. I'm a firm believer in music helping get someone through tough times. The music is in there to help put things together, add another element to the story. I think if you read a section while listening to the song it'll make the experience all the more interesting. Alright, I'll get off my soapbox now. Thank you so much for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- The Metamorphosis Patient

**So this chapter's main point will be addressed right off the bat, then we'll see a little bit into life during that week span between the chemo side effects and the start of the next cycle. This is not intended to be a very long chapter, just a small step along the much grander journey. I hope you guys enjoy. **

"I can join you if you want."

"No," Jay replied quickly and sternly. He glanced over at the instrument that would be doing the deed, marveling at how it took thirty-five years to get to this point and only a couple minutes to erase it all. It was day six after the second cycle of chemo. He was sitting in the bathroom, legs crossed as the tile floor dug its' impressions into his skin. Will was standing in front of him, looking down and mapping out how he'd do the task. Hailey was sitting on the toilet lid, arms connecting at her kneecaps as she haunched over. It was a sight very common for this disease, one Jay knew was coming but wanted to visit an hour from now, another day in the week, but today he couldn't take it anymore.

As Will promised chemo the second time around wasn't as bad as the first. With the unknowns out of the way they all knew what to say, do, and prepare for the sequence of events. Furthermore drug regimes and prescriptions were better tailored to suits Jay's needs, a win-win for everyone. While the last few days were awful and unpleasant they were more manageable thanks to the beauty of knowledge. Also, his body seemed to handle the toxic liquids better this time around. Certainly it's very core was being rattled and altered but things weren't as bad this time. Instead of the last week being a blur Jay was able to remember it all, for the most part. He knew what day it was and found exercise to be better, far more welcomed this time around.

Hailey joined him for this round of treatment. Her arrival at the facility was unexpected but very much welcomed. She announced that the team had arranged a schedule, each of them taking a cycle of chemo to be the caretaker. Of course Will would still be involved, but now the two of them had help. It was truly touching and Jay went as far as hugging her and choking on tears, which had all of them fighting emotions in no time. Will was on call that day but spent a rather lengthy lunch break with the two of them, forever grateful that Jay wound up not having to go through treatment alone. As the chemo was being hooked up to the port Jay's phone chimed off, another surprise tradition continuing. The song this time was 'Free' by Elina, another stunning, calming tune. It's about reminiscing about times of the past, cherishing what one once had; how life can change right under our noses. While we're busying ourselves with everyday life the overarching story of our lives is shifting. Things that we once took for granted vanish leaving you to be caged, hoping one day to be as free as you once were. There is a particular lyric in the song that goes, 'is your hair still long like it was that time.' Some may find that cruel but Jay got it, looked over to Hailey as he felt the drugs drip into his system, receiving a nod and shrug. He'd told her what was going on, the thing that was inevitable.

People told him it would be about day seventeen that things would really get going, but it actually began on day two, never letting up since. Everyday there was a little bit more. Some of the chunks were massive and obvious while other times it was random hairs here and there. His pillow would accumulate a gradual buildup, soon appearing as if a dog or cat lived in the apartment. Try his best to push it all away Jay was nervous, not ready to have to come to terms with that. Not even when he was in the military did he have such a drastic exterior change. Telling Will and Hailey awarded him with supportive comments, but none of them helped. As it all kept falling Jay just chose to live with it, cleaning up the bathroom and apartment without adding much emotion behind it.

The other thing was the pain behind the dying of the hair. People never talk about it because it's hard to explain. Perhaps the best way is to imagine it is pulling your hair into a high and tight ponytail. That pulling and tight sensation Jay had all over. Itching did little to help and wetting it was pointless, dying hair follicles is no silent, pain-free thing. At one point Jay swore he could move the ends of his hairs around in its' socket, as if the scalp was swelling the size of the hole. This morning was the final straw. Running his hand through his hair brought him to a large patch of very thin hair, the smoothness and lack of follicle bumps beyond startling. The image of a sad clown immediately came to mind, the very last thing Jay wanted on top of everything else: to look like something out of a horror movie. That was when he took matter into his hands. Cancer was definitely ruling him right now, but he took control of this area. A phone call to Will, an announcement to Hailey brought them to the moment in the bathroom. The last shroud of normal-ness was about to leave for a time.

"Are you sure," Will asked again, a bit more solemn this time. Jay understood Will was trying to stress that this was serious and final. There wasn't an ability to go back and change things.

"Yeah, it's not going to get any better."

"Hailey?!"

"Will, just do it." Hailey smirked, grateful for Jay stepping in her place. They all were nervous, that much was obvious. Will looked to everyone a final time before turning the clippers on, the buzzing sound enough to make Jay close his eyes. It was at this point Hailey reached for Jay's hand and held it. Jay didn't mind in the least. While he didn't need emotional support he knew that this was tough for all of them. He could hear Hailey quietly crying and feel the shake of Will's hand as the clippers dug into his hair. It began on one side of his head and worked its' way to the other side, only requiring one stroke for everything to come off. Jay wasn't surprised, shocked at how long the remaining hair held on. With the ease it all fell to the floor Jay was almost kicking himself for waiting as long as he did. People often describe this moment as freeing, exhilarating and Jay somewhat got it. It signaled change, shedding of the bad in order to encourage the good. The nerves left about twenty seconds in, Jay almost embracing the unraveling of events; very much in line with his new mentality. Will didn't say anything during this time but Hailey did, whispering that things were fine and Jay was doing great, going very much in line with both their personalities. It was both a beautiful and heartbreaking moment.

For the whole journey thus far things were happening internally, everyone knowing what was happening under the skin but not having that visual reminder that things were bad. The removal of the hair was a sign that things were indeed destructive, forever changing. Furthermore it was a signal of death. The hair was dying, whatever it looked and acted like would never happen again. A promise of it coming back once chemo was done was there, but there was a chance it would never look the same, be what Jay knew and recognized. But the biggest thing was this was a shedding of the past, the person before cancer would not come out the other side the same. Even years later, when everything had returned to normal, there would always be that memory of this moment. It would change things whether Jay liked it or not. This moment was a funeral for both external and psychological things. Jay now shed a couple of tears not out of vanity, but this newfound thought.

Before long Will put the clippers away, brushed off the very small bits of hair before standing back to admire the handiwork. This was the first time Jay ever felt finger prints on the top of his head and it was weird. The second thing he recognized was that he could feel the temperature of the room change, his body sprouting goosebumps. Will got eye level with him and smirked, both proud of Jay and doing his best to reassure. This was when Jay reopened his eyes, awakening to the deed being done.

"You're going to be ok," Will spoke.

"Yeah. Once chemo is done, right?"

"A couple weeks after you'll start seeing the peach fuzz stuff come back. From there it'll keep coming back in."

"So see, it's only for a couple months." Will smirked, commending Jay for being so brave and normal through it all.

"Yup. You'll be fine before you're birthday."

"Somehow you still look exactly the same without hair." The brothers turned to face a blushing Hailey. Will rolled his eyes while Jay laughed, not buying her comment in the least.

"The same?"

"Oh you know, annoying, macho, boyish.."

"-Boyish!" Jay was now the blushing one, making Hailey laugh that much more. Will offered a helping hand and Jay accepted, rising to greet himself for the first time. It was odd, looking like someone chopped the top of his head off. What once was was no more. All he could see was something to be very much off. Time would help him adjust, but right now nothing about his reflection made sense, the sick now written all over his person. Jay took a moment and stared, forcing himself to accept the new normal. After that he left, leaving Will and Hailey to clean up the trauma. Change was happening, all Jay could do was sit back get through the ride.

…

"Halstead!" Ah, the barking recognition from Platt never got old. At first one hates it, seriously considers marching down to the Ivory Tower and reporting her bluntness. But the more one gets to know Trudy the more you come to understand that was just her. She showed her caring disposition in a rather unique but lasting way. She didn't care if it was your first day on the job or you first day back after a second round of chemo, everyone got treated the same. Jay stopped dead in his tracks, whipping to his left to face the women, shrugged his shoulders as he met her gaze.

"Hi, Sarge." Jay was dressed in his normal attire with the addition of a hat. The headwear wasn't selected out of self consciousness but of recognition. People were going to look at him. People would be put off by things. He had to keep himself as normal appearing as possible for however long. Trudy noted his new look in the blink of an eye, extending a finger out and seeming to be pushing past him.

"Office, now." Jay rotated on his heels, over exaggerating his stroll into the office before standing next to a chair on one side of the desk. He watched Trudy disappear under the pine desk, rising with something in hand before rounding the counter, beelining it for the office. Her demeanor changed as she broke through the doorway, quickly closing the door and locking it.

"How's it going," she inquired while shutting the blinds closed. Her voice was calm, slightly sensitive and genuine. She figured out in some masterful and crafty way, the closed shades offering him privacy. Jay was both touched and uneasy, not entirely ready to show this new version of him off yet.

"Fine, I guess." Trudy took a seat next to him, her now soft eyes glared, not accepting his three word answer.

"Jay, whatever you say in here will not leave this room. I'm very serious, how are _things_ going?" It was at this point Jay remembered that she was the mother of the district, the overseer of everything that went down in this building. He was her person, one of the people she swore to protect and defend. This wasn't the person to BS with. She, in a way, was a maternal figure in his life.

"Not great. Everyone warned about the fatigue but they never said how bad it will be. Took me twice as long to get up today, and getting out of the house was a workout in itself. And then yesterday…" Jay trailed off, slowly pulling the beanie off his head to reveal the latest blow. Trudy sighed, doing a fabulous job of hiding her shock. It was such a stark change from the last time she saw him that it was off-putting, this vivid display of what all Jay was going through.

"Do you mind," She asked while holding a hand up? Jay shook his head, inching closer in the chair for her to reach. She brushed her hand over his head, admiring the smoothness and how there was a lack of darkness, something you commonly see when people with dark hair shaved their head. It was a sign that hair was about to poke through the surface. So the lack of that was upsetting, but she didn't let Jay know that. It was what it was for the time being.

"It really doesn't look that bad. And you know I'm being honest." Jay nodded, placing the beanie back on his head and adjusted in the chair. Trudy looked down to the article in her hand as she began to speak.

"A good friend of mine had cancer some time ago. She too lost all her hair while going through chemo. I told her one of my detectives was going through the same thing and she gave me this, said it was a life saver. It's a super soft, smooth chemo hat that you can wear on its' own or under something else. It helps with the itching and keeps you really warm. She insisted on you having one." Trudy handed it to Jay who graciously and quickly accepted. This was so not inline with the Trudy Platt he served under, but this new side of her was welcoming and heart warming.

"Thanks, Sarge," Jay replied as he took off his hat and put on the gift. In no time he understood why the friend swore by it, the beanie worked like a charm. Gone was the itchiness and naked feeling. The thing was a miracle.

"Jay, I think we've reached a first name basis."

"Eh, that would be weird," Jay laughed. Trudy nodded, ushering Jay to rise and head for the door. He was halfway out when she held him up.

"Hey, I know you're trying to work in between treatments and I applaud that, but no one will think differently of you if you take some time off. The last thing you need to do is overwork yourself."

"I feel like they already do treat me differently."

"Yeah well, who cares. Focus on doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself right."

"Thanks, Sarge," Jay replied as he walked into the bustle of the district, looking forward to the distraction that lay at the top of the Intelligence steps.

The climb upstairs was the same as every other climb the last seven years, with the exclusion that it nearly drained everything out of Jay. Now of course he didn't show this, but the chair at the end of the walkway was so enticing. He greeted everyone as he normally did and they replied with a somewhat similar response. But as he rested against the back of the chair his whole body relaxed, thanking him for taking the strain off of things. Jay looked to Hailey who nodded, getting the silent message of things. Kim looked away from her business to glance at him, give one of those supportive and sympathetic looks. Jay had received a plethora of those over the last few weeks, hating it more and more with every occurrence. Instead to telling everyone to stop and act normal Jay chose to swivel around, stare at the cluttered whiteboard and study. The team was deep in a case at the moment, having begun it while he was out of commission the prior week. From the looks of things it appeared the drug minions of the city weren't getting along again. The multiple crime scene photos and mugshots pinned along the perimeter were evidence of that.

"Hustlers at it again," Jay eventually thought out loud?

"Yeah," Atwater replied, rising to present the case to Jay.

"It's a classic turf war. Hustlers are looking to take down Latin Kings territory. As a result a sixteen year old girl was caught in the crossfire, coming home after her first date. The bullet was recovered but the gun wasn't in the system. So either the gun hasn't even been apart of a crime or.."

"-It was bought off the black market, never registered," Jay cut in. Atwater nodded, pointing to the mugshots on the board.

"Witnesses ID'd these two at the scene. Says they were the ones in a car a block away seconds before the shooting started. Both are in the system for gang related crimes, out on probation at the moment."

"So why haven't they been scooped up?"

"Because we can't find them," Hailey cut in.

"No addresses, no halfway house in a ten block radius can ID them and no known relatives in the area. They're street kids, probably bouncing from house to house each night." There's another side effect that comes with chemo, especially the power that Jay was on: memory issues. Whether it was retention of information or just speaking and remembering there can be problems with functioning while undergoing treatment. This side effect is commonly tagged as 'chemo brain' and it can be the most annoying part of the whole thing. As they all talked further into the case, throwing names and streets and stats around Jay felt to be drowning, very much lost on what was happening. In the past he could keep up with things, actually predict what would come next, but that wasn't the case today. He was lost, just waiting for them to stop so he could just begin to catch up. So through their dialog Jay just nodded, agreeing and disagreeing in the appropriate points. Whatever it took to make the outside world think he was indestructible.

"So what do you want me to do?" It was a valid question being that he came in so late into the case.

"Help us find the suspects. We have a warrant ready to go, just need somewhere to head to." Jay wasted no time in getting to work. For the next several hours he stared, researched, and thought. Hour number one saw him gazing at the board, combing over where things might've been looked over or not considered. Anything that came to mind was discussed and shot down. But then the proverbial lightbulb went off, Jay smirking as he proudly spoke.

"What about the boyfriend?" Everyone looked up from their work, eyes wide with puzzlement.

"What boyfriend?"

"Of the victim. The whole reason she was even in the area."

"No she lives in the area, not the boyfriend."

"But she was walking home. What sixteen year old girl is going to walk a super long distance at night? No offense to you guys," Jay spoke as he looked to Kim and Hailey. Both smirked and nodded in agreement. Atwater took to flipping through the case file, eventually shaking his head.

"We never talked to him."

"I'd bet a lot of money that the boyfriend lives in the area and he's involved in a gang somehow. Perhaps the crossfire wasn't an accident after all." During the entire debate Voight was standing in the doorway, resting a hip on an edge as he listened.

"Canvass the area, someone's going to know something." They all shot up from their seats in unison, darting for the backdoor that lead to the gear and vehicles. Correction, everyone but Jay ran out the door. Jay was a tad bit slower, rolling his eyes at himself as it took a couple seconds to get going. Voight waited till Jay was past the door to mumble, 'still got it,' which did wonders for Jay's spirits. Even at a reduced version of himself he could swoop in and make a difference.

…

"This is fun, getting to drive your ride," Hailey commented, beaming as she looked over to a day dreaming Jay. He was lost in thought, contemplating why he was doing all that he was. He was drained, hungry, and just not feeling like himself. The idea of quitting was there, or at the very least a long break. But that was all too soon shooed away. It was just another day in the adventure of working through the pain and misery; one day he'd look back and be proud. So when Hailey's comment went unanswered she nudged him hard, enough to break his self centered train of thought.

"What?"

"Did you not hear me?"

"What," Jay replied again.

"Are you feeling alright? You can sit this out if you're not up to this."

"I'm fine," Jay replied, not breaking his gaze out the window.

"Jay, I'm serious. You don't need to push yourself."

"Hailey, I appreciate it, truly. Let's just enjoy this rare occurrence of you driving."

"You were listening," she replied while smacking his shoulder again. The two of them laughed as they pulled to the curb, a couple houses away from the victim's home. Game faces were applied, as best they could, as the truck doors opened.

The street was a typical looking one south of the metropolitan area: jam packed with apartments, cars, and street dealers. Some people were sitting on their front stoops while others were slowly walking down the street. Some were standing at a corner while others busied themselves with a game of basketball, but everyone knew that the police were on the premise. Badges were hidden as the world reacted to their presence, darting and hiding in different directions.

"This will be fun," Jay muttered as they approached a front door. Hailey sighed and nodded as she rung the doorbell. The team was divided into groups, each taking a navigational direction. Jay and Hailey took the north, stopping at the next door neighbor of the victim. The plan was to start here and move house by house, asking for information on the boyfriend and potentially the suspects. As they stepped away from the front door Jay took things in, noting the stacks of flower pots and dried out, rolled away hoses. The pallets of dirt and stench of fertilizer told him the owner of the place was a green thumb, and most likely elderly. So when a grey haired, frail women opened the door Jay smiled in victory, still having that knack for predicting things.

"Hi ma'am I'm detective Upton, this is my partner detective Halstead. We have some questions about your neighbor, Michelle?" The women was able to connect the dots, a face of surprise and sadness as she nodded.

"Oh yes, absolutely tragic what happened to her."

"Well that's why we're here. We're investigating the case and had a couple questions for you."

"I'll do the best I can," the woman replied, curiously looking at Hailey scroll through her phone for photos of the suspects. It was at this precise moment that Jay decided to scan the world behind them. People were walking down the street but making a point of not going by the house, crossing the street right before the front steps. Cars were pulling out of their parking spot while people were watching from inside their homes. But by a stroke of luck a person perfectly matching one of the mugshots was walking in their direction. He was on the other side of the street and under the cover of trees and people but Jay had no doubt.

"Hailey," he spoke while reaching for his gun, trotting down the steps as she instructed the elderly women to get inside. The perp must've felt the change, understood that Jay knew who he was because by the time Jay was down the steps the kid had stopped in his tracks. A stare down took place as Jay kept advancing.

"Jaylen Grant, Chicago PD. We need to talk." In typical, expected fashion the kid took off, shooting down an alley to his immediate left.

"Jay, wait up," Hailey yelled as Jay picked up his pace. Yes, he was tired. Yes, his whole body was still groggy from the last treatment, but adrenaline was everything at this point. Utilizing all its' power Jay was right behind the kid, jumping over fences and running over the terrain with as much ease as the person in front. Hailey's shouts became quieter the longer the race went, her voice soon only to be heard over the radio. There was a brief moment that Jay considered slowing, relying on the team to finish the task, but the threat of missing the person responsible to taking an innocent life kept him moving. Before long the fatal mistake of turning into a dead end was made, Jay sighing as he watched the kid scramble and claw for a way out.

"Jaylen, it's over. Get down on the ground with hands behind your back," Jay panted. Jaylen took a couple of steps towards a random direction before doing as was told. The extremities of both people were shaking as Jay cinched the cuffs on Jaylen's wrists, helping the kid up a moment later. Jay's brief moment of victory and pride died at the sound of two small words.

"Oh no." The voice was Kim's and the tone was quiet, not ill intended or rude, but one of startled discovery. Jay turned to face them before noticing his beanie had flown off, displaying his new, anemic, frail self without much warning. Kim was taken off guard and her reaction was normal, expected almost. Jay handed Jaylen off to Atwater before Hailey handed him the beanie, a thoughtful move on her part.

"Thanks," Jay replied, putting the thing back immediately.

"I'm sorry," Jay said, which had everyone confused and concerned. It was the last way he wanted to do things, now having to suffer the consequences of scaring them. He didn't want to stick around and talk about things, didn't want to be propped up as brave or something to marvel at. He was just a guy going through things. So when he gently, yet poignantly brushed past them they all were concerned, Jay not caring in the least.

…

"Hey, are you alright?" Jay was in the passenger seat of Voight's car, head down and eyes closed for a quick nap. Voight was handling Jaylen's transportation, his vehicle the closest and safest thing for Jay to escape into. Hailey saw him get in but waited till people left, climbing into the backseat.

"Just waiting for things," Jay replied. His mood had definitely shifted. Gone was the attempt to be normal, he was mad, upset, borderline depressed. Hailey opted to tread lightly.

"Nice grab," she spoke.

"I shouldn't be here," he eventually blurted out.

"Jay.."

"-No, I really shouldn't be. I can't think straight. I'm not as fast as I used to be. I can't do this job anymore. I was stupid to think I could work on top of everything else."

"You realize the only reason we're even out here is because of you. You're the one that thought of the boyfriend. You're the one who chased Jaylen down. Yes, you're going to look different for a time but you've still got it, despite everything else."

"I just want to leave." Hailey wasn't sure how deep that phrase was going, not aware if it meant the scene, the workplace, or the everything. But she didn't want to find out, too mad at him and angry with what life was doing to him.

"I'll go get Voight," she spoke under the control of tears. She slammed the back door and stormed off, praying there was a word or deed that could drastically change things.

**Thank you so much for reading! Next chapter we'll be seeing a very low point in the journey, plus there will be a bit of a time gap. Stay tuned!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- Rise Up

He was definitely in the second category now. Looking out to the sea of people in the waiting room this fact became very much obvious. His exterior was definitely changed now and he was tired. However, the fight was very much still in him. It was November now, the Monday before Thanksgiving. Outside the walls of the place people were running rampant, preparing for another crazy and bustling holiday season. Snow was falling for the first time that month and bringing in plenty of work for Will. He was in the chair next to Jay, tapping his foot while looking down at his phone, slightly sighing when nothing new came up. The only reason he was even upstairs with Jay was because lab tests were in the process of being constructed while Natalie promised to cover for an hour. Had he told everyone the true meaning behind the break they'd have given him the whole day off.

Jay was halfway through the chemotherapy stage of the treatment, his latest round having happened last weekend. He was in that gap between side effects and the next round, but looking at him would've told you otherwise. The weakness and draining disposition was everywhere. From head to toe he looked like he was ill, in no shape to be working; which is exactly what he was still doing. His willpower was the only thing keeping him functioning at this point. Any amount of muscle mass or overall strength left after the last round of chemo, leaving him to almost fully rely on help from others. By now people were doing laundry or bringing him meals or just staying over on nights where they know side effects would be bad. Today was the first day Jay was able to get up and get ready for the day by himself, even if it took a record amount of time. Naturally people offered to help out but Jay wasn't having any of it. He needed that time, that situation of independence; it was the only thing keeping him sane at this point.

The reason for the visit today was the standard halfway mark check up. It was common at this stage of the game to redo scans to see how the treatment was doing and if adjustments needed to be made. Last week's chemo day was extra long because afterwards a PET and CT scan were completed. That time around neither Jay nor Will were nervous or upset, just endured the extra hour and a half at the clinic before heading home. Dr. Carter personally called Jay Friday afternoon stating he had to come in ASAP. Will took the news as bad and Jay didn't care, his lack of knowledge of things allowing him to just go with the flow. But now, as he sat in the waiting room he couldn't help but feel the mood of things changing. What was once cluelessness and ease had transitioned into pure dread. Due to Thanksgiving being in four day the waiting room was playing Jingle Bells, but all Jay's mind could play was a depressing rendition of 'Welcome to the Black Parade.' He certainly was trying to carry on, even if it was slowly killing him.

"Stop fidgeting," he muttered to Will. Jay was resting himself on his right forearm, a leg tucked under him as he sat. He was the picture of misery warmed up, lost in a daydream and lack of mental wherewithal. His eyes were glassy from the numerous medications he was on and the fact he didn't sleep well. His whole body was trimmed down, evidence of the vomiting and inability to run around anymore.

"Sorry, just wondering why this is taking so long."

"If you need to leave…"

"Jay, don't be ridiculous I'm not leaving. I just wish this would hurry up. You need to get home." Ah, an excellent cover up from Will. Jay smirked before propping himself upright, trying to not scare the people in category one. Hoping to provide them that visual look-in that things would be fine, even if you look like shit while going through the gauntlet. The door of the waiting room opened, all heads turning in unison to hear their name called next.

"Halstead," the nurse calmly and quizzically spoke out? Will sprung up first before offering a hand to Jay, who precisely shooed it away as he rose and walked. While he may have appeared frail and unable he wasn't about to act that way. The nurse guided them to a room both brothers were beginning to know all too well. The decorating of the place was now homey, comforting in an odd way. Bad things, good things took place in this room, having it almost act as a command center. Decision were made while facts of reality were laid out. While they were only halfway both Jay and Will felt to have seen and accomplished a lot within these walls, today probably not being any different. Upon opening the frosted glass door Dr. Carter smiled, waving them to a couch and chairs. She was on the phone at the moment but got off once Jay and Will were situated.

"So how are things," she began. She kept her focus on Jay as she sat.

"Better today. The tiredness is still a bear though."

"Yeah, I know. You're still working, right?" Jay nodded.

"Down to desk duty now."

"How many hours a day is that?"

"Um eight, ten sometimes. There's always a lot going on and I hate to leave them down a person."

"Well I'm not one to be saying this because if in your shoes I would still be working, but have you considered taking time off? At least till the chemo is done?"

"A couple of times but I still feel able enough to get through a day."

"Well you might want to start considering it. The scans came back and things are not where I'd like or expect them to be at this point. The cancer is definitely still prevalent in the same areas and the spleen is still as enlarged as it was the last time we checked. But the good news is that it hasn't spread anywhere else. So what we're doing is working but the cancer is being stubborn." She let the information sink in, watching Will roll his head down in defeat as Jay kept staring at her. It was very reminiscent of the last time news like this was delivered. Dr. Carter looked to Jay who just nodded before speaking.

"So what does that all mean?"

"We're going to start you on a new cocktail of chemo and we're going to add two more cycles which unfortunately pushes everything back another month. So instead of ending all treatment in March it'll be more like April." The floor fell out under Jay. The thought of having to endure more pain and discomfort was tough enough, but the fact things weren't working was gut wrenching. The plan was in place, he was supposed to suffer for awhile but then have everything back to normal. It was all supposed to work, but none of it was. He failed, it failed, everyone failed at his own wellbeing. So much for celebrating the halfway point of the chemo, it appeared he was on a never ending path. Eight would turn into ten which would turn into forever, Jay's altered mindset thought. Of course, Jay didn't say any of this. Instead he nodded, looking to Will who stared into nothing in shock and disappointment.

"So five more cycles," Jay eventually spoke. Dr. Carter nodded.

"It happens. You have an initial plan but it almost always has to be altered. All part of the process but we'll get you through this."

"Yeah," Will encouraged.

"Since Thanksgiving is Thursday do you want to move the next cycle up to Wednesday? That way you'll be home and shouldn't have stuff till Friday morning."

"Are the side effects going to be worse on the new drugs?"

"It's likely. But we already have you on your tailed medications so it'll only require tweaking a couple things."

"Okay, yeah let's do Wednesday." It was at this moment Will's phone went off, encouraging a reddened face and numerous apologies as he read the message. He looked up to Jay and Dr. Carter before sheepishly responding.

"I'm needed back downstairs, sorry." Dr. Carter shooed them out of the office, giving Jay a big hug before standing in the doorway and watching the brothers disappear. Her job was tough and terrible and she truly emphasized with Jay, having a good inkling as to what was going through that mysterious head of his.

"Do you want to stay here till I get off?"

"Do I want to willingly stay in a hospital?" Will rolled his eyes, selecting the ED floor and heading down. The two of them were greeted with shouts and commotion when they arrived. By the look of the ED the outside world was being pounded with snow and ice.

"I'll take the train home," Jay spoke as he walked away.

"Jay, it's freezing out there you don't need to do that."

"Will! I'm not that inept. I'll see you later," Jay hissed. If the place hadn't been in complete disarray Will would've shot back. But people were bleeding or suffering from slipped disks and duty was calling. However, looking back he should've gone after Jay because he might've been able to change the unfolding of the impending doom.

…

The train ride home was unmemorable, at least for Jay. Snow was falling at record rates, packing itself into every nook and cranny of the city. It was already a foot high and didn't show signs of slowing down. The city was accustomed to this amount of snowfall but not this early in the season. Cars were stranded along the curbs while people slipped and slid on the sidewalks. It appeared schools had been closed early while businessmen and businesswomen were braving the elements, as if the end of the world was occurring outside their windows. As Jay trudged up the steps to the platform he reconsidered his level of inept-ness. Indeed he was cold and certainly it would've been nice to have someone to potentially assist but he didn't dare turn around. He had to practice what he preached, or in this case yelled. So instead he pulled his coat closer and tugged the beanie further down on his head, thankful to have two layers on that part of him. Stamping his feet and walking a couple steps back and forth did tremendous things. For starters it distracted him, had him focusing on walking without slipping rather than the news he just received. Furthermore, movement was key in keeping him mobile and warm. He was shocked mass transit was still up and running, the empty platform and darkened atmosphere having a finale type mood to the place. But as the train rounded the turn for his stop a sigh of relief went out, walking home wasn't going to be an option after all.

Despite it being late in the morning the train was virtually empty. Apart from Jay there would be one or two other people in the train car, depending on which high volume stop they arrived at. Again, that end of the world feeling sunk in, very much mirroring Jay's mindset. Looking out the window you'd hear nothing but see chaos. The pure, perfect white stuff kept falling from the sky, dangling down as innocent little drops. But as you followed the trail down to the ground the results of the fun substance could be seen. People were sparse, the world seemed to be coming to a complete halt, fearing the end was nye. Life was being turned upside down, what they woke up to this morning wouldn't be the same come nightfall. In an eerie way it was the perfect setting and representation for Jay's day. He awoke with hope, the promise of good news on the way. But as the day wore on nothing but destruction and havoc were instilled on his life. And now as he sat silent the turmoil of the day was doing negative things for himself. While he was quiet and innocent looking on the outside, inwardly he wasn't doing so well. The ride on the train lasted longer than normal, mostly because of the snow and the fact he was all alone but Jay enjoyed it. He needed this space, this time to think and react and prepare for what was ahead, if he even wanted that anymore. The last few months hadn't been his own, dictated by schedules implemented by other people and drugs. He didn't protest, just took it all on with the assumption that he'd regain control at some point. But it appeared that wouldn't be the case for the foreseeable future. Jay wanted to cry, scream, hit something, throw a finger to the wind and yell. But alas, he was in public and already a sight to behold. So instead he sat further in his seat and closed his eyes, allowing the silence to propel him to rest, if only for a moment. He didn't move till his stop was called and got off without incident. The half mile walk home was uneventful and forgotten by Jay, resting his forehead on his front door as he searched for the key in his pocket.

"Hey, do you need some help," a neighbor called out? She was a young, vibrant girl in her 20s, definitely in that starting off independent life stage of things. Try his best to hide things everyone knew what was going on with Jay. Hailey or Will or someone else seemed to be likely candidates, but Jay eventually didn't mind. Her question was sincere and thoughtful and Jay did his best to appear healthy and normal, considering everything else.

"Oh, I'm good. But thank you." The neighbor inched further out of her place, the sound of a weatherman updating the latest snowfall estimates blaring in the background.

"Are you sure, I'm off of work the rest of today and don't have anything else going on." Jay pushed himself off the door, key in the lock as he looked at her.

"I'm fine, really. I appreciate your willingness to help, truly. How about that snow out there," Jay inquired, doing his best to change the subject.

"Oh I know, right," she smiled.

"Coming from Charleston this is the greatest day ever. I've never seen this much snow and it keeps coming!" Jay chuckled, turning back to his front door. Oh to be as cheerful and carefree as this girl.

"Well enjoy, this is just the start of things. You'll hate it come spring."

"Oh I doubt it. Try and get some rest, alright?"

"I will, and thank you." The two of them oddly and kindly waved to each other, closing the doors in unison. Jay slumped down to the ground in a heap. Closing his eyes and breathing was all he could fathom at the moment. The place was dark and warm, the scent of familiarity lingering in the place. He was home and safe, now came the wallowing in the misery that was his life.

…

The thing about cancer, chemo to be specific, is that it just about takes everything out of you. Consider it for a moment. It is a toxic chemical that is being pumped into one's major veins, its' intention is to slowly kill. Now of course the plan is for the deadly substance to kill the bad and leave some of the good, but at the root of it all the stuff is killing a patient from the inside out. Because of this slow, awful march towards healthiness it is expected, nay, required that people take life easily. Just as one would expect someone post open heart surgery to limit themselves for awhile as their body fights and returns to a normal status, the same is very true for those undergoing cancer treatment. The body needs time, it needs rest, it needs energy to fight the biggest, hardest battle of its' existence. The problem is that everything is internal. You cannot see the damage being done, nor do you have an exterior scar to remind you that you have been through a lot. To the world and the patient they are sick yet able to function, which is the exact wrong mindset to possess. Of course Jay didn't understand this. Whether it was out of stubbornness or just refusal he went about his life as normal as he wanted, not what his body could handle. So it didn't come as a surprise when he sat against his front door and sobbed for an hour, the drained demeanor of himself allowing for it all. He couldn't get up nor could he do anything else. Therefore, crying and feeling bad for oneself was the only option. In his altered, lacking-in-sleep state he couldn't help but see his role in all of this. Like it was his fault he had cancer to begin with and he was definitely the reason the treatment wasn't working. His body wanted to get better but he wasn't allowing it. Through working and just existing he was standing in the way of freedom, being whole again. Now this couldn't be further from the truth, but in that place and at that time Jay was convinced of this. No amount of talking or suggesting was going to prove him otherwise.

It was when Will called around four that the sobbing and pity party for one ended. Jay rubbed his eyes and answered the phone as best he could. Again, doing and saying what he thought people wanted rather than just being himself. He said what was needed to be said and joked when it was appropriate. Because of the snow Will wouldn't be able to talk things over with him that night. Those who were at the hospital were stuck till the morning while those outside the walls of Med were given the night off. What once was a twelve hour shift became and twenty-four hour marathon. Jay reassured Will that he'd be fine before hanging up, doing a very scary and impressive job of lying to his biggest cheerleader. It was after he hung up and the silence resumed that he realized he was hungry. Dragging himself to the kitchen took a moment or two but his efforts paid off, leftovers were warmed up before crash landing on the couch. He maybe had a couple bites and aimlessly stared at the television till he blacked out. It was like drinking but with television, reality coming back to him around the three AM hour. The reason for all of this was the guilt and shame, two demons that can wreck havoc on someone. At this time of the journey Jay wanted to stop, just end things before they got unseeingly worse. With a head shake he rose, placing the dishes in the sink before venturing into the bedroom. Perhaps sleep would help him decide his fate.

The world was a white, silent, incredible work of art. The snow stopped falling around midnight allowing the freezing effect to take place. Any possible melting that might have happened during the day became sheets of ice at night, sealing in the snow on every surface. In the moonlight everything was shiny and stunning and as the sun came up it only highlighted the stunning-ness of the city. People were off of work again and schools were closed, making it seem the entire place was sleeping in that morning. No one was on the side walks, streets, or front yards, creating the once in a blue moon of moment of complete stoppage. The only way we know all of this is true is because Jay was witness to it all, staring out his window for hours after tossing and turning in bed for quite awhile. Sleep didn't come, the mind having other ideas for the night. He kept replaying the thought that everything was his fault and that he couldn't do this thing anymore. The sleep deprivation told him it would be best to just live life while he could. Do the best he could till the disease took him down completely. Will and the others popped into his head, reasons to keep going, but in that moment of panic and desperation just stopping was far more tantalizing.

He awoke to the sound of the El rumbling in the distance, evidence that someone or something was stirring in the world. As he rolled onto his side he calculated how long he slept, coming up with a guess in the one to two hour range. It was the sun peaking through the window that told him he'd made it through the night, encouraging him to try sleeping one more time. Looking at his phone revealed numerous messages and phone calls from people. Will left a voicemail at seven in saying he was off of work and would call back later. Jay rose from bed and headed for the closet. On this first day on the final stage he wanted to do something he hadn't done in a good long time: run. Run till his lungs gave out. Run till the solid ground reached an endpoint. His stomach growled as he made his way to the closet. Food could come afterwards, the sudden burst of energy to get up and go was too much to ignore. Thermal gear was donned before socks and sneakers were applied. The Air Pods went in and the music cranked all the way up as he locked the front door behind him. The neighbor from yesterday was also leaving her place, both of them waved and smirked at each other. She was looked like Randy in _A Christmas Story_, Jay was streamlined and on par with his activity. It was clear to see who was the native of Chicago.

"Feeling better," she yelled his direction? Jay smiled and nodded, not turning anything down. It was just a flight of stairs and a door before reaching the glorious wintery mess.

Running does something to you. While the task seems simple and mundane, the adrenaline and pride you get in doing it is addictive. You are in control of your path, can dictate how fast or slow you get from place to place. Particularly when you run in a city, you get this unique view of the world. Like a tiny, single being roaming the streets of something grand. Jay loved it, inhaled as much of the sharp, frigid air into his lungs. It stung but felt beyond good. He was alive, doing a normal thing again. Nothing was more incredible than this moment. Some thoughtful and sacrificial soul took the time to salt the sidewalks overnight, which Jay was internally grateful for. He'd feel the ground slide under him every now and then, but for the most part things were smooth. He began weaving through the streets around the apartment before turning out to bigger things, destination the parks and center of town. When he did spot another person he'd wave and smile, delighted to be just like them. The music kept coming and his legs didn't give out. There were times he had to slow down because of the fatigue, but he never gave in; just kept pushing. He'd admire the pristine snow on the lawns and gawk at the wind blown frost on the buildings. This went on for a couple hours and several miles: running and gazing and taking life in. It was around hour number three that the mind completely blacked out. From this point forward he doesn't remember the events nor recalls speaking. Intention became muscle memory, his body guiding him to a place it new all too well.

…

The district was not it's usual tune. With it being the week of Thanksgiving a good amount of people were traveling or enjoying the snowed-in day. She was down to the bare bones in terms of staff and even then most of them were out doing their job. So to see Jay jog into work was both surprising and off-putting. What was once a finger tapping, newspaper reading morning became a myriad of questions and panic.

"Jay?!" He was drenched in sweat and looked to be completely out of breath. The pants could be heard a mile away as he climbed up the steps. He kept looking around, darting his head in an odd way. It was in the removal of an Air Pod that Trudy noticed the shaking, proof that he was freezing.

"Hey Sarge." He didn't look in her direction, just stood in the middle of the room. Trudy noted the lack of attention to him, like he didn't have his wits about him. While she was glad for some company but this version of Jay didn't look to be a good one. She stopped turning the pages of the newspaper and slowly crept around the desk, not losing sight of him. Something was very off and very wrong, she just didn't know what exactly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Oh fine, just here for the…staff meeting." He collapsed, shoulder smacking the ground as his head bobbed against the hard surface. Trudy leapt at him, in no time hovering over him as she watched in horror. He was shivering, borderline convulsing. Shaking him didn't stop things nor did shouting awaken him. He was rather unconscious and under the influence of a seizure it appeared.

"Someone help!" She looked left, right, in front and behind her, eyes pleading for a body to rescue her. The front door swung wide with Hank grunting as he trudged through the doors.

"Hank! Call 911. Jay's unconscious."

"What?!" The phone was whipped out as he spoke. With very little to go with he just gave out his badge number, location, and that medics need to show up yesterday. The call lasted seconds and he was kneeling next to Jay by the time he hung up. The convulsing wasn't letting up and the fact he hadn't woken up was terrifying.

"What happened? Why is he even here?"

"I don't know. He came in and said something about a meeting before collapsing."

"A meeting?!"

"Hank! I don't know. Go get blankets for him," Trudy snapped, thrusting a finger in the direction of her desk. Hank stormed off, choosing to ignore the tone and words of Trudy for the sake of Jay. By the time blankets were thrown on him and the two of them rubbed extremities the medics arrived. Jay's convulsing had dwindled down to constant shakes. It wasn't pretty but better than before. It was Foster and Sylvie, both of them understandably shocked upon finding Jay.

"What happened," Foster asked as she fell next to the scene, grabbing an arm and beginning an IV. Trudy gave them the short history that she knew of, Voight including the cancer and being ten days after a treatment received some eyebrow raises.

"Does he have a port?"

"Yes," they replied together.

"Alright, get him on fluids, warm saline, and let's transport him," Foster called out. Minutes later the task was complete and the crew was on the move. Hank climbed into the back of the rig as Trudy stood at the entrance of the district, her eyes wet from the coldness of the outdoors, or so she told herself.

"Stay with him. Keep me updated," she yelled as the doors were closing. Hank nodded and stared out the window as they raced through the city. Along the way Sylvie called into Med, letting them know the specifics of Jay but choosing to leave out the name. No need to scare Will at this point of the event. Jay remained unconscious the entire way, even after leads were attached and the port was accessed he didn't stir. Hand holding wasn't in the cards for Hank but he never broke his vision of his detective. Jay's lips were now a slight hue of blue, his skin breaking out in goosebumps. He was pale, thin, and extremely dehydrated. Waving a thermometer over his forehead showed him to be pretty below normal. He wasn't in hypothermia but was on the way there. If Hank didn't know any better Jay was dying, giving up right in front of him. He'd seen it before, had been in this very place thinking the same way. He was looking at a once strong person crumble under the weight of the disease, the fight all but given up. Again he found himself wanting to do something, anything and everything to take it all away, being able to do nothing more than sit and watch. Tears were beginning to trickle down when the ambulance arrived at Med, Will's startled voice brought him back to reality, placing him back in that tough, leadership role.

"Jay?! What happened?!" Foster began the check down, rattling off numbers and stats as Choi, April, and others gingerly pulled Jay out of the rig. Hank remained seated in the back, providing people access to Jay.

"Why isn't he awake," Will asked as the caravan moved indoors. With no answer the first time he asked again and agin, his tone getting a little more intense with every passing. By the time they arrived at an ED bay Hank was at Will's side, pulling him away as the curtain's closed. A terrible visual of things, Hank was very much aware.

"What happened," Will asked, his voice shaking and breath quickening.

"He ran to work."

"What?! Why did he even go in." Hank shrugged.

"When I came in he was already unconscious. Trudy said he ran in and said something before passing out."

"Which was?"

"He asked about a staff meeting. Which is odd because we don't have any of those." Will closed his eyes, groaning as he turned to face the curtained off room.

"He's altered. Dammit." There was a moment of silence, Hank looking around in an effort to grasp things. Will paced back and forth before finally breaking things.

"We met with the oncologist yesterday. The treatment he was on isn't working. More cycles are being added and we're trying a new regime of chemo. The lymphoma hasn't spread but it's not exactly leaving as quickly as she wants. He was normal, joking when we left. But then I had to work and he went home.."

"-This isn't your fault. Your brother likes to deal with things his own way."

"I knew I shouldn't have left him alone. He probably hasn't eaten, hasn't slept, and the fact he ran in the cold didn't help anything."

"So why hasn't we woken up." Will paused on that one, looking back to Voight and the nurses desk before heading in.

"I'm going to find out." His hand was on the curtain when Hank held him up.

"Will, go easy on him. This isn't fun any of us." Will nodded.

"Thanks, Hank. I'll update you when I have something." The two men looked at each other for a moment, both silently asking what came next. Will nodded once more before disappearing into the thick of things. Hank didn't see the need in sitting around all morning. The job, life was calling him and ready or not he had to answer the call.

It was amazing how quickly things changed. In the timespan of a handful of minutes Jay had been completely transformed. The clothing he came in with was thrown on the floor, a hospital gown and socks in their place. Warming blankets were stacked two high on him while more IVs and leads were attached to his body. He wasn't in need of any breathing assistance but did have a tube under his nose. A hospital band was on his right wrist while an allergy band was on the left. While he was still unconscious the fact that people weren't freaking out was promising. Granted he still looked to be unwell but at least the shivering had gone down considerably. Will took a moment of observe, listen to the sounds and take in the sights before moving forward. The room was dimmed just a tad while the talking was normal, all efforts to keep the dozing one zonked out. Ethan was scrolling through an iPad and asking for tests and medications while people were adjusting the bedding and pillows for Jay.

"Do you want to switch him to a mask," April questioned as they raised the bed just a tad?

"No, oxygen levels are fine on the cannula. Let's try and keep him on just that." Will took advantage of the fact he hadn't been recognized, slinking past people before scooting a stool close to Jay's left side. Once in range he claimed a hand, noting the cold and limpness to it, doing his best to push things away. At this closer position Will couldn't help but look in horror and sadness at what the cancer was doing to Jay. What was once a healthy, vibrant person was now a shell; a pale, depleted, desperate looking individual. Dying, finality was all that ran through Will's head, the very words making him shutter.

"You shouldn't be in here," Ethan spoke as he put the iPad down on a tray next to him.

"I'm not trying to diagnose him but I'm definitely not leaving him." Ethan sighed after a moment. Will just came off a twenty-four hour shift, choosing to sleep at the hospital before he had to be back on. Will was in a fragile, easy-to-snap place, no need to butt heads with him.

"Fine."

"So what's going on," Will meekly asked?"

"Well he's dehydrated and malnourished, very common given his situation. He didn't have a seizure which is good, but the body temperature is lower then I'd like. We're giving him fluids and a nutrient pack and gradually warming him up."

"So basically his body snapped, hit a wall and freaked out."

"To put it simply, yes."

"Jay, why can you never do anything half ass." Ethan smirked before conducting another round of checks, noting that Jay's body temperature went up another two tenths a degree. Progress.

"He's supposed to start a new round of chemo tomorrow. Does this effect it?"

"Maybe. I already contacted Dr. Carter and she wants to see him once he's awake and upstairs."

"You're keeping him overnight?"

"He's been unconscious for a prolonged period of time, Will. He has to. Plus, if he is having chemo tomorrow might as well save him the trek through the snow."

"When is he going to wake up?"

"That's up to him. He's not in a coma so it's a matter of things rebooting when they're ready." Will nodded, squeezing the hand in his own, willing it to return the favor.

"You two probably need to.."

"-Yeah, I know," Will cut in. Ethan nodded, looked around the room a final time before heading to the door. He stood there for a moment, looking at the beautiful and crushing scene in front of him, wishing he could wake up and fine things the way they normally were. Blinking revealed that nothing changed, driving home that reality wasn't what it normally was for a time.

"We're all pulling for him," Ethan departed with, leaving Will to fret as Jay slept the morning away.

…

_Three Hours Later_

The drop tile ceiling above is what gave it away. It was a view he'd come to know rather well over the last couple of months. While the vision was blurry he had no doubt about his current location. The more he blinked the more things were revealed. The second blink showed him to be one giant ache, just the thought of moving was a chore. Another blink gave away that he was in the ED, the people and contraptions traveling past the window and doors proving that. By the tenth blink he felt the things in and on and around him, stirring up fear in his core. He had no recollection of reaching this place nor did an event come into his mind. The more his mind wander the more freaked out he became.

"No, no no no no," he groaned while looking down at the stuff connected to him. Will was texting the world, his feet propped up on the end of the bed while he rocked back in a chair. Jay's first words had his phone crashing to the ground, Will grabbing for the flailing hands as he spoke.

"Hey, Jay you're fine. Just relax." The stubborn one did everything but. What once was words became action, his upper half struggling to rise, the hands successfully ripping off leads on his chest. Will took it upon himself to yank the hands out of the way, cling to them as he made eye contact with Jay.

"Hey! You need to calm down." Will dared to not move, electing to be that still thing in the sea of constant movement. Jay looked around the room a final time before finally, victoriously settling down.

"Do you know where you are?"

"I'm not that daft, Will," Jay hissed, his voice reeking of exhaustion, the very tone of it an octave below normal. Will just smiled and sighed, things were fine…for the most part.

"Well do you know why you're here?" Jay shook his head, yanking his hands away from Will.

"I'm not going to pull anything off." Will sat back, resting his chin on the railing of the gurney and stared. Jay was different. Try his darnedest to hide it, he changed. At this exact moment in time the person in the bed sounded and acted like his brother, but everything else was drastically different. From the appearance to the reason for this visit nothing was as it was mere months ago. Perhaps one day this would be a blimp in the rearview, but today it was right there, glaring right at him.

"Do you remember going for a run this morning?" Jay looked up from his fiddling of the hospital bands, stared into the lights for an answer before responding.

"I waved to the neighbor." Will scrunched his eyebrows.

"The one across the way."

"And you don't remember anything after that?" Jay shook his head. Will tucked his head into himself, biting every rude of potentially negative word. This was the rock bottom moment, the crossroads of everything. Jay was either going to take things more seriously or continue to slip out of everyone's grip. Will had to be careful, had to be poignant with his words. He took a breath, blinked away the emotions, and began.

"You went for a run and based on the data from your phone you ran for over three hours, milage hovering around fifteen miles. Given the terrain and your physical condition that is incredible, commendable in a way. The journey ended at the precinct where you collapsed. You were on the verge of hypothermia, you are dehydrated, malnourished, and just plain exhausted. Now while I'm all for working out and staying healthy…I can't help but feel like something else is going on." Will's voice trailed off, his head turned in a way that Jay didn't see the tears trickle out of his left eye.

"Was it because of yesterday," Will asked? He couldn't say it, could not put those words and ideas into the air. What Jay did was beyond stupid and stubborn, it was a cry for help. It was troubling, deadly if left to its' own devices. He knew what he was doing and understood the consequences. He didn't suspect Jay to be in that mindset at all, but something was off. Jay got the message, head hung in guilt as he slowly, eventually nodded.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," Jay blurted out, the whole body shaking with emotion. Ever since the diagnosis Jay hadn't cried, felt things as deeply as he was right now. Tears were dripping down, wetting his hands as he apologized to Will. The railings of the bed were put down as Will climbed onto the bed, holding his brother as the two of them let it all out. Walls were being torn down, the true, real things coming to the surface. Neither of them were trying to fool the other. It was just them and the reality of the circumstances.

"Do you want to get better," Will asked down the road? He felt Jay relaxed, the head scrunch up and down against his shoulder.

"So why can't you do it anymore." Will pulled away, handing Jay a tissue box before readjusted a couple inches down the bed.

"Because everything we did was for nothing. The chemo days, the side effects, none of it worked. Basically I have to start over and it's all my fault."

"What," Will interrupted?

"It's my fault. If I had done thing better or not messed up I wouldn't be in this place, going through this crap." Will shuttered, floored by the guilt Jay was piling on himself.

"First of all, none of this is your fault. There is nothing you could've done or avoided to change things. You have cancer. Guess what? A ton of people are as active and healthy and well off as you and still get the diagnosis. It happens, Jay. There isn't a threshold or danger zone for this. Certainly our genes played a role in things, but none of this is of your doing. Second of all, you didn't mess up. Changing treatment or moving to new meds is expected in fighting this. It's extremely rare to have one plan that works from start to finish."

"I just can't help but see where I let you guys down." Will shook his head. Jay was never, ever going to go easy on himself. He sighed, fighting the urge to smack his stupid brother, before speaking.

"Jay, do _you _want to get better? I'm all for whatever you want. No one is trying to force you to do something you don't want to do. If you want to get better, do it for yourself. I know that's such an odd and scary thing for you, but that's the only way you're going to get through this. We're all behind you, but you are the play caller." Jay nodded, smirking and rolling his eyes in agreement. Will was fully aware the danger in his words, the option left hanging out there for Jay to take. But the risk was worth it, solidifying that it was Jay to make the final call.

"Yes," Jay spoke and dammit if that wasn't a glimpse of the pre-cancer Jay poking through. Will smiled, nodding as he spilled a plan out.

"Okay, then let's do this. For starters.."

"-I need to stop working." Will's mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Yeah, I know I said that. But I can't do it for much longer."

"Well at least for the duration of the chemo. When you hit the radiation part of this things will be better. The side effects are nowhere near as bad as the chemo. You'll still be tired but probably able to function. But you right now you need rest, a lot of it. Your body is fighting mountain sized things and you need to give it all the help you can provide."

"Okay."

"So for today I'd suggest resting, a lot. And when you get out of here you need to keep resting. Walking around is fine but no more serious exercising for awhile, alright?"

"Yeah. What about tomorrow?" Will shrugged.

"I don't know. Dr. Carter is going to meet us upstairs in a bit. We might have to push things back." Jay inhaled, dreading the idea of continuing to wait. But it was his world for right now, just had to suck it up and deal with it.

"Fine, let's do it." Will's mouth was open, on the cusp of replying when a nurse stuck her head in the room.

"Hey, you're up! Your room upstairs is ready." She pushed a wheelchair into the room, whispering something to Will before stepping out. This was going to be the first of many things, the breaking down of the walls. Jay wasn't strong enough to walk himself upstairs and he had to come to terms with that.

"Ready," Will asked while gesturing to the chair? Jay nodded, throwing the blankets to the side. Will helped him into a sitting position before extending an arm to grab a hold of. Jay was shocked, disturbed by how weak he was. He ran for countless miles this morning, by the afternoon couldn't stand without the legs becoming Jello. Now of course this mostly had to do with the extended time of being passed out, but that didn't lift Jay in the least. Will guided him through every step, deeply encouraged before helping him relax against the wheelchair. IV bags were attached to the rods and a blanket was thrown over his legs before the two of them headed for the elevator. The curtains were pulled back and Will pushed him into the hallway. What Jay thought would be an embarrassing moment turned out to be completely fine. No one gawked or pointed, in fact most of them didn't pay attention. Other then Maggie who ran over and hugged Jay, everyone else went about their day, which was perfect.

"Thanks, Will," Jay spoke as the elevator doors closed on them.

"Would you stop?! I've got you no matter what. Hey, we can still be bald buddies if you want."

"I'm sorry, what?!" Will laughed so hard, to the point he couldn't respond. His face was florescent red the longer he went on.

"You're weird," Jay admitted.

"Yeah, probably," Will commented while wiping under his eyes. They were going to be alright. Even if Jay was being admitted to the hospital days before his favorite holiday from cancer treatment complications of his own doing, the two of them were going to be just fine.

**I had other intentions for this chapter but this felt to be a perfect place to pause. With all the heaviness the last couple of chapters the next one will be light, perhaps one of my favorites out of the whole thing. I can't wait to share it. Thank you so, so much for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7- Be Thankful In Everything

**I do apologize for taking so long to post. I had plans of submitting this over the weekend but life and all it's craziness got in the way. But anyway, here we are. Intro is short because I want to just get this going. This chapter is encompassing the timespan of a single day, so it may be shorter then the normal chapter length. I will leave you with this final thought: be thankful. Whether you're at the highest of highs or stuck in a hospital on Thanksgiving Day, each moment is precious and intentional. Celebrate the good, find joy in the midst of the bad. No matter the current situation there's always the future, something to look forward to with hope. **

_"__Three…two…one…let's have a parade!" _Al Roker and the executive from Macy's cut the normal sized green ribbon with scissors that were intended for far bigger jobs. Their gold sheen shone bright in the television and required two people to operate them apparently. It was a tradition of sorts in the Halstead home. Every Thanksgiving morning the boys would run down the stairs, football in hand and still adorning pajamas. The turkey was thrown in the oven as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade kicked off. Both boys were enamored with the falling confetti and ribbons as the balloons were marched across the painted red carpet on thirty-fourth street in New York City. It was magical, it was whimsical, it was the kickoff to the rest of the day. Food, family, and football would trickle in throughout the course of the day, but it all began with that parade and the brothers loved all that it symboled. Fast forward some twenty-five, thirty years and the tradition still lived on. Family members had dwindled down, football wasn't going to be played in the front yard, food was a giant question mark at the time and at least one of them was dressed in something that could pass as pajamas, but still both brothers were sitting in front of the television watching. Without knowing it they were married to this day, not parting till death occurred; which is a terrible illustration for the day.

The meeting with Dr. Carter two days prior concluded with Jay's first round of the new chemo beginning on Thanksgiving Day instead of on the eve. The plan was for Jay to begin the treatment early with the hope of being discharged by the time the Lions game was at halftime. From there his time was his own. Jay was obviously disappointed in this newfound plan but accepted it. After all it was of his own doing that he was stuck in a hospital to begin with and his stupidity that pushed things back. Whining about things wasn't going to help anyone. So that morning he awoke to the same chemo nurse setting up his pre-chemo round: the anti-nausea meds, steroids, and relaxant. It was still dark out at this point and Jay was a notch or two above sound asleep. He felt the IV line get connected to the port but didn't budge, allowing everything to happen and just attempt to fall back to sleep. He hadn't bathed in two days, had IVs in both arms, monitoring leads all over and now an IV line coming out of his chest; he was a sight to behold. The relaxant might as well been a sedative because he was out in record time, only stirring when Will nudged him to remind him of the day. Curtains were drawn to reveal a brighter, warmer mood to the world outside. It wasn't sunny but had stopped snowing, a promising and welcomed sign from those hoping to leave today. In perfect or inappropriate timing Jay's door was knocked as the marching band crossed the threshold of the parade finish line. The dark cloud of the day was about to hang over them.

"Hey guys," Dr. Carter rather boisterously greeted! She was in the same scrubs, treatment gown, and gloves as the very first treatment, the cooler carrying the evil and toxic chemicals right behind her. But what was different about her today was her demeanor. Unlike the first time she was happy, joyful, and a hint too giddy. Some may say she was tipsy, or fan-girling. It was odd given that the day was a holiday, but neither of the brothers said anything. In all likelihood she was trying to make them feel better about being stuck here, which both were thankful for.

"Hey, Susan," both replied together. Will waved while Jay didn't lose focus of the television screen. This moment of suspense was never fun, the distraction of dancing Broadway people overly welcomed right now.

"How did you end up pulling the short straw for Thanksgiving," Will inquired?

"Oh, I chose to be here. I'm meeting up with family later on for dinner. It's just me for the most part of today. So why not spend it with my two favorite brothers." Jay rolled his eyes, Will smacking the bed for him to stop.

"Where are you having dinner?"

"A restaurant. We're having some Asain American fusion meal at some place in River North."

"Festive," Jay butted in.

"Oh, I know. But try getting twenty people together with varying dietary preferences and even stranger relationships."

"Welcome to the holidays," Will replied. Dr. Carter laughed at that one, the force of her laugh probably waking half the floor. She claimed a stool and swirled it close to the bed, donning another layer of gloves and putting on a mask before opening the cooler. The plume of dry ice smoke coming out of the cooler was equally impressive and spooky. Jay was never fond of this step of things. Hands dug deep to reveal a new, foreign silver coated bag with new confusing and scrambled lettering.

"Now due to the potency of this cocktail this will last two hours instead of one. Any faster and you run the risk of shock and long lasting organ damage."

"Nice."

"A mood lifter, I know." The final adjustments were input into the drip screen before the cancer killer was locked away. Jay watch the IV being connected to the line already in his chest, feeling that metallic, shivering sensation begin to break out. The good news about this time around was that people knew what to look for, the little tricks to help Jay break into things easily. Dark charlotte ice cream was his cure. It was unconventional but productive, Jay downing spoonful after spoonful when his phone buzzed. It was the text message he'd grown to rely on, it coming in like clockwork. The song of the day was a puzzling one: "Lose You" by Noah Gundersen. The title took Jay by surprise, but the text that followed wasn't all that helpful either.

"Just listen to it. Happy Thanksgiving!" As another clump of ice cream dripped down his throat Jay selected the song, understanding things by the chorus. It was about the potential of losing someone, that person slipping out of their reach without an opportunity to say their piece. The writer is desperate, determined to keep that person in their life, even when they're missing for a time. There's nothing they wouldn't do to keep their person in their life, because without them life wasn't worth living. Some may view it as a love song, a confession on Hailey's part, but the meaning was much deeper. One of the last times they worked together Jay admitted to not knowing how much more he could take, claiming that what he was doing was ridiculous and his presence wasn't necessary. The song was her way of expressing things, saying she wasn't giving up on him so had he follow suit.

"That's an odd selection," Will commented by the time the song was over. Jay just smirked, shaking his head as he shut the phone off.

"No, it's perfect." Jay looked back towards the television, smiling at the first of many Christmas commercials of the season.

"What's up with Susan. She was definitely flirting that time, right?"

"Those drugs are really messing with your system," Will replied, snagging a spoonful of ice cream. It was at this precise moment that a knock rapped against the door. With it just being the two of them they assumed it was a nurse of Dr. Carter's checking in, but what came through the otherwise was both a surprise and question.

"Hank?!"

"Happy Thanksgiving!" He smiled. Hank Voight smiled, waving as he walked through the door and closed it. Jay sat up in bed as Will rose from his chair, both of them acting as if the principal of their school just walked in.

"Will, sit. I'll take the stool," Voight exclaimed. His coat was thrown on the back of the stool before he pushed it towards them.

"Miss anything," he spoke, pointing to the screen?

"No. Football doesn't start for another hour."

"Poor Lions are going to get crushed today. Mack is a beast. Matt Stafford won't see whats coming."

"Yeah, it's a must win. Gotta keep pace with the Packers," Jay commented. Hank rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he huffed in agreement.

"So how long is this round?"

"Two hours."

"Ah. Ice cream does the trick?"

"Oh, yeah. For the most part."

"Camille's was lemons. The oddest thing I've ever seen. There was a particular nurse who refused to give them to her, saying she didn't believe it worked and couldn't put her through that unpleasant experience. So we ended up bringing them ourselves. She said the best way to combat the metal was bitter. That and the vitamin C did something to boost things."

"Weird," Will blurted out, which only made Hank laugh.

"Yeah, she wasn't one to do things by the standards."

"Sarge if this is too much.."

"Jay, relax. I volunteered to do this Thanksgiving shift. Everyone else is out doing their thing and I don't mind at all. I appreciate you looking out but I'm fine." If they didn't know any better that was a line Jay earned from his boss.

"Well, I'm sorry you've gotta spend your holiday here," Will spoke.

"Eh, the day's still young. We'll find something festive to do before the day's up." Now of course everyone knew Jay wouldn't be up for much in a few hours, but the promise of being sprung out of this place was reason enough to be excited. But what they didn't catch was the big hint Voight dropped in their laps.

…

At last, he was free. After three days of being trapped in filtered, musty, hospital smelling air he was outside, partaking in the freshest, best air possible. True to the promise Jay was discharged as the halftime show for the Lions game kicked off, IVs and copious instructions to rest were dished out as random artists took the stage. Jay promised to obey and the final dosages of meds were pushed into the port before the doors swung wide open, nothing standing between him and his sanctuary: home. His legs were weak for a few steps, but by the time the trio was at the elevator it took everything in Jay to not bolt.

He didn't remember coming into the hospital but certainly wouldn't forget the exit. The snow from three days ago was pushed up against the curb, creating mountain ranges about waist high. Cars were back to their usual frantic pace, the streets stuffed full of families escaping to their holiday plans. Some looked to be super excited while others were extremely glum, large glasses of alcohol in their very soon future. Jay chuckled, reminiscing over past holiday where he was one or both of those categories, which lead him to this Thanksgiving. It certainly would be one he'd never forget but the reason was still up in the air. On the one hand he was released from the hospital, allowed to spend the rest of the day however he wanted, but the flip side of that was today marked the first day of the harder, tougher chemo. On top of that his whole reason for being locked up was because of his carelessness, inability to recognize his limits. Jay shook those negative thoughts aside, shuffled his weight against the crunchy, snowy sidewalks. He was going home to spend time with Will, the day was going to end up being just fine.

The hospital was bustling at this point of the day. Will once told him that this day was the second busiest day of the year, apart from the Fourth of July. With hot food and even hotter temperaments Thanksgiving was bound to be a disaster. From skin burns from failed deep fried turkeys to knives lodged in people's chest from a fight—no joke—this holiday should've been dubbed as Halloween 2.0. Will alone was thankful for this day because it meant he didn't have to work. Looking over to Jay was the second reason to be ever so thankful. Jay was upright, alive, and appeared to be in good spirits, much better than three days prior. He certainly looked different from all the other Thanksgivings they celebrated, but this day would rank high up there. He smirked as Jay pulled his coat closer to him, stamp his feet as he acted out a shiver.

"What's taking so long," Jay asked? Will rose to pull the beanie further down Jay's head, unrolling it to cover his ears. Voight had left them at the hospital entrance to claim his car, providing both brother's a ride home and way for Will to get back to work whenever that was. Of course, this was another step in the overall scheme but both of them failed to notice, just eternally grateful for the rather kind gesture. They'd been sitting out in the cold for a few minutes now, Jay going between resting on a bench and walking around while Will just sat.

"It takes a moment, just chill," Will shot back, the cold wind not putting him in the best of moods.

"You chill."

"No you chill. Seriously though just sit. You did just go through a big round of chemo."

"Oh, like I didn't know that." Will just laughed, rolling his eyes as he leaned deeper against the bench.

"You're impossible." To which Jay nodded, still refusing to rest. The black Ford SUV came around the corner a few minutes later, Jay sighing in accomplishment as Will rose, both of them at the sidewalks edge when the car came to a halt.

"Sorry, card reader wouldn't work," Voight explained.

"It's fine," Jay replied as he climbed into the back seat, allowing Will to take the passage seat up front. Voight looked in the rearview to find an eager, smiling, red faced Jay pivoting between windows, taking in a 180 view of the world outside.

"Is he always this upbeat after treatment," Voight quietly asked? Will chuckled as he nodded.

"Pretty much. By the time we get there he'll be mellowed out. The drugs are miracle workers."

"You know I can hear you, right?"

"Yes," the people up front replied together. Jay didn't stop his gazing into the world as Voight put the car in drive, nor did he budge as they pulled out of the hospital property. He was excited, nervous, ready to take on the world once again. It was when Med was a speck in the rearview did he relax onto a fist that was propped against the back door. He was free to be.

The world still had that end of the time feel to it, but this had a much better reason this time. As they wove their way through the streets the same desolate, solitude vibe was everywhere. People weren't on the sidewalks nor were they in the streets. Cars that were present were zooming away to quieter, heavier tree lined portions of the world. It appeared as if Jay was doing what everyone wasn't: going home. People were heading to other places, other activities outside and in the world, and here he was heading home to feel and be sick. Jay wanted to jump in, be just like everyone else, but that wasn't going to be the case this year. Next season would be a different case, he told himself. He couldn't be negative, couldn't put himself in that dark mindset again. Things would be different for a season, he just had to embrace it.

The mountain range of snow kept going for miles, only stopping when the sidewalks ended. From there parking spaces were utilized for plowing snow, the grey speckled snow proof that people and their cars had been outside at some point. As they got closer to Jay's place people, kids were beginning to be seen outdoors, donning winter wear as they played a game of Thanksgiving football. A few places had Thanksgiving decorations out while places of business still had pumpkins and scarecrows left over from Halloween. It was almost comical that Thanksgiving is considered a Fall holiday in the Midwest. You're not doing much pumpkin picking and apple bobbing while in below freezing weather. By now that time had come and gone, people preparing for the short, freezing, trying days of winter, just counting down the seconds till spring. There was a particular snapshot that almost had Jay in tears. It was a house that was jam packed with people. It appeared several generations had gathered around the family table, ranging from kids to very seasoned adults. The children were running around the table while parents were holding food high, seeming to be telling them to stop. There was life, love, laughter, and completeness there, something Jay had never experienced. Even when their family was all together way back in time, it never appeared like what he was staring at now. What's worse was that he'd never be able to experience that. Will detected the extra long stare out the window, turning in a way to talk directly to him.

"Hey, you alright." Jay nodded, eventually turning away from the window.

"Yeah, I think the meds are starting to kick in." Will smirked, nodding as he turned back to face the front.

"Told you," he whispered which made Voight chuckle. They never got the true reason for Jay's momentary dejection and he never told them. Once again keeping things to himself.

…

Like clockwork, Jay was drifting in between conscious and calm, taking a fraction too long to do things or respond. Both his companions knew all too well what was going on, or had been dosed out, and didn't say anything about it. Hank was concerned things would be blown but didn't share this with the group. As they pulled up to the building Jay had advanced to the nodding off stage, head cradled on the fist and rolling about like a limp chunk of Jello. He didn't notice the extra amount of vehicles parked out front nor did he say anything about Voight holding them up as his phone went off. Will was more concerned with getting Jay upstairs and in bed than anything else. A moment later Voight opened the back door, offering Jay a hand to stabilize himself on. Once all three of them were on the sidewalk Voight took the lead, Will walking pace with Jay just in case he decided to stop, which he never did.

There was a smell to the floor, a wafting of mashed potatoes and gravy drifted down the hall and to the elevator. On top of that a film of smoke resided outside one of the neighbor's doors, evidence that things went awry at some point in the day. People were laughing, clinking glasses, football drowning out the occasional shouts of loving family moments. Life was happening all around Jay, yet here he stood feeling miserable and like an outsider, a rebel if you will. Food was so tempting, his stomach growling loud enough for Will and Voight to hear, which only made them all laugh. The other thing that stood out was the light. Around each doorway natural or manmade light broke through the cracks, as if to alert people that existence, happiness was happening on the other side. As the trio approached Jay's door all that came through was dark nothing, proving that Jay was indeed the odd man out this year. Jay rested against the wall as Will unlocked the door, just enough to push Jay through. Jay took a step, Will took a step, Voight took a step before closing the door. Jay took another step, Will took another step, and then everything suddenly and surprising went off.

"SURPRISE!" Any drop of tired and sleepiness Jay had flew off as everyone shouted at him. Jay stood in disbelief, eyes shifting from food to people back to food. It appeared the stores had been cleared out on his behalf. Everything required for a Thanksgiving feast and more were present: mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, bread, green beans, the turkey, macaroni and cheese, and then from there random things that clearly were a dash and grab. It was simply incredible. What shook Jay the most was that they managed to cook it all in his micro-sized kitchen. In terms of who prepared the meal, there was very little space for Voight, Will, and himself. You had the crew, Trudy and Mouch, and Natalie and Owen, all crammed in his one bedroom abode. All of them forewent their holiday plans for his cancer riddled self, this gigantic show of love and appreciation too much for anyone to handle. Jay went down to a squat, resting his forehead on his legs in shock and awe. This was love and family in the purest, real sense. Kim broke the line first, kneeling down to Jay as she whispered in his ear. Hailey was right behind her followed by everyone else. In no time it became a massive multi person pile, which was when Will stepped in.

"Hey guys, let's go easy on him."

"Oh Will, don't be so much of a party pooper," Natalie exclaimed as the group began to break away.

"Wait, so when did all of this happen," Will asked?

"It was Voight's idea. After Tuesday's event he talked to Trudy who got all of us on the plan. Said Jay probably wasn't going to come home before then and he'd likely not be able to have a normal Thanksgiving. So we wanted to make sure he did." Jay looked to everyone, pausing a moment on each person as he spoke.

"Thanks guys, seriously. This is insane and sweet and I love it."

"Wait, are you actually hungry?" Jay vigorously nodded.

"I feel like I haven't eaten in a couple days."

"Great! Awesome, because you don't want to know the stories of how we got everything," Adam spoke up, earning a loud round of laughter and head nods. Jay would get to the bottom of it at some point.

"Alright guys, food is hot so let's all eat in the living room. Just grab a spot and save the couch for Jay," Trudy instructed, people falling right back into their usual rank and file. Jay was actually pushed to sit down by Will and Hailey and Trudy, who literally placed hands on him and sat him down. As the line formed for the food Trudy sat and talked with Jay, catching up on what happened and what was to come. Jay was delighted to have that moment with her, allowing him the opportunity to apologize for the scare of her life.

"So," he began."

"So," she replied, looking over to Mouch to make sure he was serving for both of them. Satisfied with what was happening beyond her she turned her attention back towards Jay.

"I feel like I need to apologize." She took his hand is hers, gripping it and feeling the warmth of life in it, so drastic from earlier in the week.

"You don't, Jay. It's all good, alright? We all reach a breaking point and there's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah but I.."

"-Jay, no. It's all good. This does wonders for things," she replied while gesturing to the apartment. Jay nodded, looking around himself. From what he could recall when he left that Tuesday morning this place wasn't this immaculate. Everyone was clean, in its' place, and smelled far better than the way he left it. So on top of preparing the best meal ever they all took the time to clean up after him, give him that peace of mind knowing everything was in its' place. He had no clue what he did to deserve these people but cherished them ever so.

"How are you feeling," she interrupted? Jay snapped his head out itself, shrugging before he replied.

"Tired, hungry, groggy."

"Did they give you something before you left?"

"Yeah, a whole bunch of stuff. It's standard protocol. Will will know exactly what." Jay looked down at the hospital bands still on his wrist, twisting them in a nervous way. It was all he could do to not cry or fall asleep.

"If you need to go to bed, don't feel bad about it at all."

"I'll be fine through dinner." Will entered the moment now, gently handing a plate to Jay as he gave him that look, the one inquiring how things were shaping up.

"I'm fine. Just need food," Jay whispered, doing his best to not offend anyone. By now they were packed into the living room like sardines, not an inch of floor space between each person. They were tight packed but beyond happy, their joyous faces lifting and staving off the wave of crap that was coming Jay's way. Certainly the results of tonight would be felt by Jay over the coming days, but he was completely fine with it. This was worth it all.

"Alright, before we begin it's a tradition in my family to share one thing they are grateful for. And it has to be genuine and unique to you. Whatever someone else says you cannot say. I'll go first." Kim thought for a moment, eyes staring at the ceiling before coming down with a smile.

"I'm thankful for online shopping because without it….well, it would be pizza for us tonight."

"Ah, so no whipping out a badge to snag the last of something," Will wryly remarked. Kim pointed to a reddened Adam who threw his hands in surrender. They all gasped before dying of laughter. From there everyone went down the line throwing out comical, thoughtful, sad, and great remarks. Jay knew what he wanted to say the moment the idea came out. It was so unconventional and not like him, but it was genuine; which was the entire point of the game. When the proverbial baton was placed in his lap he didn't hesitate.

"I'm…thankful I got cancer, which is crazy I'm well aware. And yes, it's really scary and the next few months are going to be grueling and awful, but without it I wouldn't have a deeper respect and appreciation for you guys. I wouldn't realize just how not alone I am and understand what I'm capable of. So…yeah," Jay trailed off. They were surprised, a little put off by his confession, but supported him no matter what.

"Alright, no more depressing talk, let's eat and watch some football."

"Bears creamed the Lions. Cowboys game is getting ready to start." For the next hour they talked, laughed, cheered, ate, and lovingly bickered over who was a worse fan base: the Cowboys or Bills. In the midst of the storm, hope greatly remained.

…

He awoke in his bed and in pajamas, but had zero memory of how he got from the couch to here. The room was dark, only the lights of the rest of the apartments seeping in through the cracks. He stared at the ceiling and contemplated, really strained to figure things out. He was tucked in, his teeth felt to be brushed, and the hospital bands were still around his wrists. They were definite signs of him changing and preparing for sleep. From what he could sense clothing wasn't disheveled or thrown on top of him, more evidence that he'd either been helped to bed or done it himself. The lack of remembering it was a results of either the medication currently in his system or the side effect of the higher dose chemo. Jay loudly sighed, not caring about things anymore. The noise of cheering and the extra loud television was muffled a bit by the closed door, but Jay couldn't help but feel that he was missing out. As he slept life, happy and joyous life, was going out around him. He hated not being out, finding it rude he was sleeping while guests were at his place because of him. Of course they probably forced him to this place, but to Jay it all felt very rude. Sitting up was when the familiar and old companion of his returned: nausea. It was at whispering level, letting him know that stage of things was pending. But in the immediate moment Jay was thirsty. He rose from bed and shuffled to the door, rubbing his eyes as the crowd on the other side ceased all activity.

"Oh sorry, did we wake you up?" Jay shook his head, pointing in the direction of the kitchen as he walked.

"Thirsty," Will asked? Again, Jay nodded. Words were too much of a chore right now. Those not in the loop looked to Will for answers.

"It's a side effect. Even on the Benadryl he can only sleep for a couple hours, wakes up with really bad thirst. Jay, Gatorade and Coke are in there." Jay held a thumb up, lazily opening the refrigerator door and staring a hair too long, eventually shaking his head after retrieving a liquid. He downed serval large gulps before attempting to speak.

"How did I…"

"You don't remember," Kim asked? Jay's eyes went wide.

"Oh no.."

"No! No, it wasn't bad. You were just really out of it, staring into nothing and not talking. Will only told you once to go to bed and you just got up and left." Jay's face was bright red, groaning as he sat down on a chair. That was very much something and a royal embarrassment on his part.

"It wasn't bad, seriously," Kim reassured. Jay just nodded, not believing her but not wanting to go back and forth on it. By now the television had been turned off, signaling that football was done for the day. Looking around the place revealed that the kitchen had been completely cleaned up and leftovers put away in containers, several meals for whoever over the coming week. Shoes that were once lined up by the door were now on people's feet, jackets being the exact way. It appeared everyone was waiting for him or the game to finish before heading out. There was small talk happening in between the living room and kitchen, Jay sitting in the middle of it the two places. The day still baffled him, reminiscing over what all had gone down in the twenty-four hour period. It started scary and nerve wracking and ended with nothing but love and hope. It was then that one final thought popped into his head.

"Hey guys," Jay projected out. They all stopped and turned, watching in sympathy as he slowly stood and rubbed his eyes. Poor Jay was doing his best to function when his body clearly didn't want to.

"Um, I don't know if Will told you but I'm going to be taking time off for awhile. The thing that happened on Tuesday was a big eye opener. It made me rethink things and better understand what all is going in my life. I realized that I needed to re-prioritize things. As much as I want to keep working alongside you guys, simply put I can't anymore." They nodded and verbally agreed with him, realizing this was a big thing for Jay to admit and they very much supported it. While they would miss him, the fact he was putting his health and wellbeing ahead of everything else was a massive step.

"We'll come over and debrief," Adam and Kim spoke up, which had everyone perking up.

"And we'll try to not eat all the candy you hide in your desk drawer," Hailey added.

"Oh, you knew guys knew about that?"

"Yes," they all laughed. Voight now walked up to Jay and hugged him, told him he was happy to see him home. From there he told the rest of head on out, waving as he crossed the front doorway and headed down the hall.

"Owen and I are staying here tonight," Natalie told the group.

"You guys go home and enjoy the weekend." One by one they hugged Will and Jay, each telling personal farewells and last remarks. Jay thanked them again for everything and walked them all to the front door. He stood in the hallway and watched till the last person disappeared out of sight. The hallway was silent and dark, the parties in the neighboring apartments having ended their festivities long before his. Silence is often scary and isolated but in this case it was exact opposite. It allowed Jay to think and feel, cherish what he had and realize how lucky and fortunate he was. Certainly he was going through hell right now, but there was an army of people ready and willing to help him and for that, he was thankful.

**TA-DA! I loved this chapter. I love Thanksgiving so my very biased mind said that Jay enjoys it as well. I hope you guys liked this one. Next chapter we will see yet another large time jump. We've dealt a lot with this part of the treatment, it's time to move onto the next phase. Thank you so much for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8- Bring It On Home

**This is a special one, a big one in Jay's life. I'm calling this a bridge chapter, connecting act one to act two. In the beginning we'll see Jay end step one of the treatment and then move on to him preparing for the second part. It's not going to be super crazy or adventuresome but important nonetheless. Let's get this going!**

"What are you doing?" Will was doing a horrific job of disguising his phone, Jay zeroing in on it before he could even press the record button. Will smirked, cocking his head as the chemo IV was attached to the port for the final time.

"Hailey said to record you since she couldn't be here."

"Why?!"

"Jay, stop. It's a big deal today!" Jay rolled his eyes, relaxing against the pillow as he felt the goosebumps bubble all over, silently celebrating this moment being the final time. Christmas had come and gone, New Years was celebrated on the couch with ginger ale in hand. But today, on this twentieth day of January, Jay was popping the confetti on a massive milestone, fulfilling a resolution he made long before the calendars flipped over to a new year. It was the end of this rhythm of life, the unknown suddenly looking hopeful, promising, worth living for. Certainly the previous weeks and months had been terrible and draining, but today was the first time Jay felt he could breathe again. In a way, the worst of things was coming to an end. It was hard to not be giddy. Like clockwork the phone buzzed against his hand as the metallic flavoring crept into his mouth, the bitterness of the dark chocolate ice cream only combatting it so much. Jay looked down at his phone and smiled, groaning as he read the message that accompanied the song.

"You are going to dance to this. Just try and not to. This is something to be joyful over! Bring it on home victorious." The song was by American Authors and the song was perfectly titled, "Bring It On Home." There wasn't a deep meaning in sending it, nor was it riddled with sadness and struggle. Simply put, it was a fun, upbeat, tap-your-toes tune that was impossible to not smile and snap your fingers to. In fact, take a momentary break from this and find the song. Go on iTunes and discover it, crank the volume all the way up and dance around. Celebrate something, or nothing, or everything. Just take a moment for yourself. As the upbeat guitar and other instruments kicked off, things became a game: not dancing or showing any emotion. Jay glared at Will, refusing to not give him the very thing he sought to capture. Will meanwhile was going off, bobbing his head and laughing at how catchy things were.

"Just give her something," he protested, Jay just shook his head.

"I'm hooked up I can't move."

"Oh like that's ever stopped you." The song was at the chorus now, telling Jay to bring it on home, and he had to cave. The trumpet choir and background singers were too much to handle. Shrugging one shoulder up and down, Jay pushed his hands upward, as if to raise the roof. The smile was forced and demeanor that of annoyed, but both brothers enjoyed the small, silver lining moment.

"Ah yes, there it is," Will encouraged, soon turning the video off and sending it to Hailey.

"Two hours to freedom," Jay announced. Will nodded.

"Yup. But don't forget you've got the scans after this."

"Will they hand out the sedative again?"

"I'm sure they will if you ask. Do you want them?" Jay shrugged.

"Let's see how bad things are when we're done."

"That's fine. This is your treatment and your day. They'll do whatever you want." Will's phone lit up, a text message awaiting his reading. Once glance down had him smiling, rolling his eyes before clicking it off.

"What?!"

"She said you couldn't look anymore miserable and you should stick to your day job." Jay laughed, nodding in agreement before closing his eyes. Two hours to freedom; drip, drip, drip.

…

He didn't even recall falling asleep, but based on the soreness and inability to move some time later that's exactly what happened. His head jolted upward when the IV line tapped against its' stand, the nurse whispering an apology as she pulled everything away, tossing the items in the florescent hazardous materials bag. Jay sat forward, yawning as he felt the latest clean gauze pad taped to his skin, covering the port and the small amount of blood that commonly dripped out after treatment. Will was packing up the place, shoving blankets into a ball before passing them off to the nurse, his backpack from work brimming with cords, devices, wallets, and clothing, the bag designed for one holding enough for two. As Jay stared into nothing a thought of finality hit him. This would be the final time he'd see these white walls, listen to the peaceful silence of the individual room neighboring other silent spaces. Lord willing this would be the final time he sat in his chair and the final time Will would be in the one next to him. No longer would they need to clear out their weekends to allow Jay to get sick all over the place nor would Jay be living for anti-everything meds and Benadryl to get him through the worst. This day, this space, this moment in time was orchestrated to be the end. Certainly wasn't the final day of treatment, as they had aways to go before that finish line was crossed. But today was the end of stage one, a monumental moment in the sea of the overall story. Crazy to think, what Jay experienced today would day be a memory, an intangible item that was no longer physically effecting him. That one shook him, made his body shiver with excitement and realization.

"You alright," Will interrupted, humorously watching Jay gaze into the shade of the walls.

"Yeah. Are we doing the scans still?" Will nodded.

"Do you still want the sedative."

"No, I'm fine." The nurse left the room as Will helped Jay up, supporting his back as Jay adjusted to being on his feet again. His eyes blacked out, fuzzy and floating as he did his best to blink them away. While it was great to lay down and relax for hours on end, the flip side of that was being temporary blinded. Will felt the frustration in Jay's body, noted the weakness and fight to move towards the door.

"Just let things level out," he told Jay, who eventually sighed and nodded while rubbing his eyes. By the time things cleared up the nurse returned with a wheelchair, an evil crutch Jay had to start using two cycles ago. If nothing else, the best part about being done with chemo was never having to rely on that contraption again. With assistance from both Will and the nurse Jay was situated in the seat before being ready to head to the next room. Before the group departed Jay did a final look, staring at the emptiness and stillness to the room, taking comfort in knowing he'd never change the atmosphere of the place again.

"Ready," the nurse inquired? Jay nodded.

"Let's get out of here." The trio was on there way, finally leaving that room in the rearview.

Jay had become rather comfortable with the PET and CT scanner. What was once large and loud and daunting was now just another thing used to check his insides. The clicking and rattling didn't diminish over time, but Jay certainly grew more accustomed to it. He knew to take clothes off and don the hospital gown and socks, taking comfort in the warm blanket they threw on top of him before things got started. Positioning instructions weren't needed because Jay had the position down to a science by now. The dye they injected into his system entered through the port and didn't bother him as much anymore, the stuff just adding to the laundry list of things that were already flowing through him. Will wasn't even as freaked out by it as he once was, this latest time going as far as not even being in the observation room. Instead he chose to wait in the waiting room, reminding Jay he'd be outside when he was all done. Now of course all of this bothered Jay, that he was becoming comfortable and accustomed to hospitals and their inter-workings, but it was the way of his life for a time.

"Your brother mentioned something about a sedative, do you still want it," the radiologist asked as Jay found his spot on the drop-tile ceiling?

"No, I'm fine. Just worried I might have been feeling bad after the chemo." The radiologist nodded, returning the syringe to her pocket. In all honesty Jay was feeling like complete crap, wanting nothing more than to sleep the week away, but something told Jay this moment was important. A moment that he would want etched in his brain forever. While he wanted to puke or sit up or not be awake for any of this, he needed to remember this moment since it would probably be a big one. So Jay found his speck and stared, listening to the machine whirl and click, not moving an inch when the scanner slowed on the 'hot spots' or rotated to find a new position. Snap, rattle, snap, snap, whirl, twirl, buzz, click, click, and begin the process yet again. Every pass of the steps was moving him that much closer to the end.

"Just breathe in and out," he mentally told himself. The hour long scan wound down in record time, Jay soon redressed and escorted to the front of the hospital, Will's warmed up car awaiting its' passengers. Jay was practically pushed into the front seat before Will rounded to the drivers' side, both of them exhaling as they reached the point of aloneness. Will looked to Jay who was too enamored with the darkening snow clouds above them, the tale of a weekend blizzard obviously turning out to be true. Will just prayed this final time of chemo side effects didn't require assistance from the outside world. So far Jay had been able to handle things swimmingly, he'd hate to have that change at the last time; especially if the called for four feet of snow actually came down. Putting the car in drive Will slowly, gingerly wove around the driveways and made it to the point where the private property met up with the streets of Chicago. Jay sighed as he felt the thud of asphalt connecting with concrete.

"Last time," he whispered. Will looked over to Jay before making the right hand turn.

"Yeah, you did it." The worst was behind them, or so they thought at the time. But that's a tale for another time.

…

_One Week Later_

He found himself back in that transition spot. He certainly wasn't in the second category, struggling while still trying, but he wasn't in that third category yet either. He was changed, felt better about himself and the outlook of his life, but he still had aways to go before being all the way on the other side. In the week since the last chemo treatment he felt a lightyear better then he had in months. Jay was fully aware this had to do with knowing that he was done, the biggest, most life altering hurdle of the whole thing behind him. While none of the external things had begun to come back yet, and today was the first day he didn't feel or was sick, today was a day to look up, have hope and excitement back in his life. This was the transition day. The crossing into the second step of the treatment process. The stamp of approval would be placed on the chemo and the green flag for radiation would be flown high. Looking out into the always jam packed waiting room allowed Jay to feel his deepest level of empathy yet.

There was a particular woman in the far corner of the room, as far away from Jay as she possibly could be. She looked to be about Jay's age, a man assumed to be her husband sitting next to her. She was definitely in that first category of patients, waiting to hear what was about to happen in her life. She was visually scared, running a finger under her eyes to mask the never ending tears. The assumed husband would rub her shoulder, whisper in her ear before she'd nod, stroking her hair as a self soothing technique. An impending chemo patient, Jay concluded to himself. He wanted to get up, tell her to breathe and that the unknown was the worst part in all of this, that she'd hate the change but eventually come to accept it, live through it all. But a strange looking stranger walking up to her in a cancer doctor's waiting room wasn't the place to do that, probably going to do more harm than any amount of good. This wasn't the first time he felt the urge to reach over and saying something to people, Jay figured this was all new thanks in part to what he was going through. This desire to help, soothe, walk alongside people was going to be something he'd live with for the rest of his days, a side effect of things he was more than happy to have. Today wasn't that day to pay thing forward, but one day his time would come. So he turned to glare at the waiting room door down. Radiation was tentatively scheduled to start next week, ten days from this Friday morning. While results from the scans weren't presented yet, Dr. Carter was convinced before the final treatment that Jay was responding well, so well that they could call the last chemo cycle the final time. A celebration was planned but not scheduled, pending the results from today, which were just about to be delivered.

"Jay Halstead," the nurse called from the doorway? Jay leapt, literally, and sped walked towards her. Will was working that day, had texted as Jay walked in that a major trauma had just come in and he'd be there as soon as he could. It felt weird to be walking into Dr. Carter's office alone, but at least it wasn't under bad circumstances. Jay followed behind the nurse, replying to the questions pertaining to his day and his overall health. She opened the door after Susan yelled for them to come in, the nurse taking a step in before ushering Jay to sit. The door was soon closed leaving the doctor and her patient to themselves.

"So, how are things," she began.

"Great! Nice knowing next Friday I don't have to be back here…no offense." Susan laughed, in that way Jay was convinced she was flirting.

"None taken. Side effects from the last round bad?" Jay shook his head.

"Nothing out of the usual."

"Perfect. Are we waiting for Will or should we go on without him?"

"He's in the middle of a trauma, said he'd get here when he can."

"I see." Susan turned her MacBook around to face Jay, a series of confusing, Christmas light looking screenshots greeting him. While he had no clue what he was looking at—and if any of them were promising—,Jay just nodded for things to continue.

"So these are your scans back from the end of August, the initial scans." She took her unchecked pen and waved it around the brighter spots on the screen.

"These are both sides of the neck, arm pit, left side of your chest, and spleen. As you can see, it's all over and the brightness of the spots shows the activity and depth of the disease." Jay nodded, throat tightening over the realization of how bad off he was, thanking the Lord above for placing in the ED that day. Susan clicked the right arrow on the keyboard, revealing a similar but slightly different display of images.

"This is from the halfway point of the initial chemo. The cancer has gone down a little bit but is still prevalent in the body, not really leaving any area."

"This was after the three rounds?" Susan nodded.

"Yeah, it wasn't doing a whole lot which is why we had to come at it harder. However.." She trailed off, clicking the arrow to reveal a drastically changed, massively improved screen. Jay's mouth dropped open for a moment before he collected himself.

"This is last week." If he could he would have cried, it was a sight he didn't comprehend but found to be utterly stunning. The brightness was there, but so much smaller then before. In fact, a couple areas looked to be completely normal. It was the first sign in eternity that the damage they were doing to him was actually healing him. A crazy, stunning, mind boggling thought. Instead of crying, Jay slipped out a curse before cupping his hands on his mouth.

"Pretty amazing, right?" Jay nodded, still dumbfounded over how great the day's news was.

"Can you back to the first set?" Susan obliged, flipping the images to almost create a moving image, the lights dancing and moving over the distance of time. Jay still couldn't believe what he was seeing was factual.

"The tough drugs worked. You'll still need the same number of doses of radiation but this is a big deal. The spots around the neck are just about cleared up and the arm pit is cleared up. Which is good news for you because that's mean you don't have to get the radiation tattoo under there."

"Wait, tattoo?" Susan's eyes widened, shaking her head before speaking.

"Oh, it's not anything massive or that people will notice. It's super small, like the size of a freckle. We can make it a lighter color to match your skin tone. It's nothing to worry about." Jay nodded, still uneasy about the idea of having to get a tattoo on his body but thankful to have so many freckles. Finally, a good reason for having them all.

"So now what?"

"Now we head over to radiology! I've already told my person over there the areas that are being treated and it's up to her to find the perfect spot for things. Has Will talked to you about radiation simulation?" Jay shook his head.

"So basically you'll be walked through the whole radiation process without actually receiving any of it. We need you to be prepared for what to expect and mark exactly where you'll be positioned. This is the precise portion of treatment. Being off even a millimeter and we will be damaging things rather then helping. You'll be told the breathing exercise and finding that ultimate comfort spot so you won't move at all."

"And that's where the whole tattoo thing will take place."

"Yeah, sorry for springing it on you," Susan apologized. Jay shrugged his shoulders. It was just another thing in the world of cancer treatment.

"Let's get going."

"Perfect!" Susan got up first, pushing her chair behind the desk before waiting for Jay to walk ahead of her. The two of them walked through the waiting room and out to the main area of the hospital, riding the elevator and walking down the hallways to radiology. It was different, being alone with her. In previous encounters with Susan Will was always there, someone else to keep the conversation up when Jay didn't feel like it. It's not that Jay didn't like Susan, the farthest thing from the truth, it was just out of the norm. But they kept the small talk going, keeping things to the topic of sports as they rounded the final turn for the finish line, surprised to be greeted by an out of breath Will resting against the door.

"Alright," Jay asked jokingly? Will forcibly exhaled, holding a thumb high in the air.

"Tried to beat you guys here."

"Well you succeeded," Susan remarked, scanning Will's shaking and slightly sweaty appearance. Another strike in the flirting column, Jay told himself.

"Let's get inside and get him going. It's going to be a minute." Will rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement, Jay was very much clueless. The three of them walked past the receptionist's desk and pointed in the direction of the back, as if they were apart of some secret agency with access to everything. Jay was guided to a room off of another big room with a very large, beige machine that looked similar to other things that have tracked over him. At this stage of the game Jay didn't mind, barely paid attention to what everything looked like. It was something that would help, not harm him. He didn't care where it was or what it looked like. Due to the fact he'd be marked and adjusted to a perfect spot, Jay was told to don his favorite attire: hospital gown and socks. Walking out of the changing room he felt naked, but at this point that was the least weird part of the whole thing. He was told to sit on the large table that sat below the radiation machine. As he nestled onto things he noted the padding, marker contraption, and random people just blankly staring at him. Was he on display? Some medical marvel to document? He didn't say anything, but the heart rate was creeping ever higher. The radiologist entered the room at this point, adding yet another stranger into the mix of things. She was an older, stern, and rather tan woman named Eleanor. The shade of tan on her was puzzling, since it was the middle of the winter at this point. Jay kept debating spray tan or snow tanning when she extended her hand to greet him.

"Jay, this is Eleanor, my best radiologist and master artist. She'll be doing all your treatments and making sure everything is lined up."

"Hi," Jay replied, looking more to the people around the room than the individual."

"Assistants," Eleanor confirmed.

"Of course," Jay replied.

"So radiation is basically like getting an x-ray but much stronger. Now contrary to popular belief there is no laser beam and you won't be smoking by the time you're done. You won't see anything nor will you feel it, at least not right away. Other then the chance of some skin irritation there really aren't any side effects and it doesn't hurt."

"Sweet."

"Which will be nice after all the chemo," Will butted in. Jay had completely forgotten he was there, looking to him to calm and control.

"Yeah," Jay agreed.

"Any questions?"

"Work?" Will rolled his eyes. He knew the question was coming, just wishing Jay gave himself more time before jumping back into that.

"You certainly can work while undergoing radiation. However, in your case I would go easy. Maybe wait a month before working again. You did just go through a lot and your body needs time to heal and recover. Plus the spleen is still enlarged and doing too much could hurt that, not help."

"Alright."

"Anything else?" Jay shook his head.

"Ok. Sessions will be five days a week for five weeks. They'll only take twenty, thirty minutes at the most so you could do it whenever. What works best for you?"

"Afternoon, around lunch I guess. Even if I was working I could still come in the middle of the day."

"Sounds great! I'll get it all arranged. I'll leave you guys alone. You're in good hands." Susan waved to the rest of them, sauntering out in pride and excitement over the case of Jay Halstead. Jay rolled his eyes as Will wanted to smack him. Eleanor was clueless over the inside joke.

"This is a radiation simulation so unfortunately Will, you'll have to leave. But you can sit in the observation room over there."

"That's fine. I'll be right there, Jay," Will pointed.

"Yeah, fine." Eleanor waited till Will was gone to begin the process.

"Okay, just lay down normally and then we'll take it from there." Jay did as was told, in no time feeling like a living, breathing dummy with no name. It was as if he'd never laid down in his life because the second he was still they all scoffed, twisting and maneuvering his entire being in the smallest ways. From head to toe not a spot on his wasn't adjusted at some point. They'd move, ask the person in the glass room how things were, and then adjust accordingly. Jay was terrified to sneeze, afraid to be scorned for messing everything up. Every now and then they'd check on his well-being, make sure he wasn't in a complete panic attack, but for the most part it was about lining things up first before tweaking for comfort. Once he was in the spot they all took a moment to breathe, telling Jay when to inhale and exhale and how long he should hold his breath. Jay saw why they did this simulation before the day of treatment because all of this at once would be a lot of take in. So the fact they were preparing him now was a sign that despite the weirdness of this moment they were looking out for his wellbeing. Then came the marking portion of things.

Eleanor pulled the tray housing the marker and ink close to the table, taking a seat on a stool before laying things out. Jay was now officially nervous, slowly gulping as he closed his eyes. None of this was helping, just the thought of being permanently marked was enough to freak him out.

"Just breathe, Jay. You'll be fine," Will spoke over the intercom. If he could Jay would've nodded, twitched, done something to let Will know he heard him. But the threat of being pulled and twisted for another hour made him remain perfectly still. Eleanor pulled the radiation machine close to the spot she'd work on, holding it about a foot above Jay.

"Marking," she told the people in the room, pressing a Sharpie to Jay's neck to record where the tattoo would soon be.

"Good marking," the other side remarked. Jay listened to the needle be filled with ink, the whizzing of the device encouraging goosebumps to break out. Closing his eyes he felt it dig into his skin, the rapid succession of stings made him catch his breath at first. The process lasted five seconds, tops, and then it was done. Eleanor pressing the sight to combat the swelling.

"That's it for this one. Need to do two more. Jay, I need you to blink if you're with me." She glanced towards his face, smirking when he eventually replied.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"No," Jay replied through gritted teeth. In actuality it was the scariest thing in his entire life, but he wasn't going to tell her that.

"Onward we go!" This tattooing process happened eleven more times, never getting easier for Jay. Eleanor would announce, the room would confirm, the needle would dig in, and then it would happen all over again. Before being sprung free Jay's positioned was marked on the table, an effort to cut down prep time that much. He was handed a mirror as he sat up, marveling at how obscured the tattoos really were.

"You're lucky you have so many freckles," Eleanor spoke. Jay just stared at his reflection. Susan was right, they did blend well with his skin. They were darker then the rest of him, but so small and smilier to the rest of him no one would notice. After awhile he probably wouldn't remember it either. Bandaids were applied for protection before Jay was told to return to street clothing. Will met up with him once he was changed and confirmed to begin the following week. Jay walked out of the radiology department like he'd just been pulled to the extreme, his movements small and slow. Will just laughed at him.

"You overreact so much."

"That, was awful," Jay rebuked.

"Oh yeah, worse then the last few months you've had."

"Yeah, pretty much." Will just rolled his eyes. Jay would never let him be right.

"Whatever. Let's get you home." Jay nodded in agreement. Nothing was going to comfort him more than the safety and tranquility that was his fortress, his home. Aside from the traumatizing session he barely made it through, that day was a good one; an excellent reason for not giving up. In the moment the crisis is daunting and seems to have no end in sight. However, once the clouds part and the sun cracks through, you begin to realize it was just pour down in the middle of a splendid day.

**How excited are we that Jay finished chemo?! I'm stoked for him. Next chapter will start to see things normalize. Jay being Jay will return to work and the beginning of radiation will happen. Thank you so much for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9- Laser Beam Focus

**A small spoiler alert: Jay will be returning to work this chapter! You knew he wouldn't stay away long, despite everyone telling him to take a break, do things slow. It's just not in his DNA. Did you all catch the hint in the last chapter? We'll deal with it in the next chapter. In other news, how is everyone enjoying the new season? I have found it to be a splendid introduction for what's to come. Over time it'll all make sense and be awesome, I can't wait to see what's coming next! And the crossover next week? Don't even get me started. Anyway, while we wait, let's get this chapter underway. **

He'd done this moment before. He had watched this scene play out in his mind. It wasn't the battle of Helms Deep but more like the part where the sun rises at the very end, the apex of the whole thing. Certainly there was still fighting to do and damage to assess, but light was beginning to creep into the story. Closing his eyes allowed him to listen to the silence of the apartment, note the lack of fear dripping off the walls or the stench of uncertainty. The dark cloud of chemo had moved on, floating somewhere else in the world to terrorize another poor, innocent soul. If he could Jay would find a way to crush that beast, never allow it to injure another person on this planet. But that was a fight for another day. Opening his eyes revealed the ceiling, it's dull white hue telling him nothing for the first time in forever. Prior awakenings the ceiling reminded him it was another day in the game plan of misery. That his waking up meant the next step in the plan of destruction; or that he was that much closer to another round of slow, painful, draining fights with death. But now, staring deeper into its' corners gave him nothing, as if it no longer knew what was in store for him that day. His cheerleader had run out of chants, was now a silent observer. To Jay that was everything, a sign that things were beginning to make their descent to normalcy. He couldn't help but smile, grin at the thought of all of this going away one day. His buzzing phone on the nightstand fully returned him to reality. It was Monday and things had to be tackled.

Rolling onto his side allowed him to feel the port rub against his rib cage and skin for the umpteenth time, Jay clicking off the seconds till that contraption was no longer alongside him. The phone was still going off, revealing it was either a phone call or an avalanche of texts, neither option perking Jay up. But as he rubbed his bleary eyes the ID of Will came into focus. Ah, the worrying one must be reminding him of radiation once again.

"Yes, I know it's at noon," Jay greeted. His voice was still thick with sleep, it's extra deep tone and crackling notes encouraging a chuckle from the person on the other end.

"Wow, you're up," Will shot back.

"After everything we've been through how can you still not realize this is not the way I like waking up."

"It's nine in the morning."

"I'm not a morning person, Will. Try working with me at this hour."

"Which is why I wanted to call you. I'm guessing you're not there yet."

"Your deciphering skills are amazing." Will held the phone away from his ear, the smack of Jay's reply forcing him to do so. Shaking his head he cradled the phone between his ear and shoulder, signing off on discharge papers as he spoke.

"Did you tell them you're coming back?"

"I texted Hank on Saturday, told him I wanted to come back today and he said it was fine as long as it got approved by a doctor, which I told him it had."

"So when are you going in?"

"After radiation. It's not supposed to take that long, right?"

"Shouldn't be more then an hour."

"Yeah, so I'll go after that."

"Look, I know you're all for going back and I get that, but please take it slow. Don't go run all over town. Sure you don't have the side effects of chemo but you are still battling cancer."

"Will, I'm not an idiot."

"Ok, but just don't go in full force. Take it easy. That's all I ask." Jay was now sitting up in bed, staring into a day dream over the view outside his window. It was raining, most unusual for this time of year. The snow storms of January seem to have encouraged a warm spell for the region. February was beginning with above normal temperatures and rain instead of snow. While people were thrilled to get a break from the multilayer days and shoveling excursions, the downside was that the rain was melting all the snow. Chicago was becoming a giant, deep puddle with every inch of rain that fell, today's rainfall total estimated to be around three inches. Jay wanted to get out there, feel the rain pound on his face and experience the transitional beauty.

"Jay," Will barked on the other end, Jay jumping and face reddening as he replied.

"What? Yes, I'll be careful. Jumping over rooftops will start next week."

"Dude, seriously."

"I'm joking!" Jay laughed, not knowing the last time the two of them talked like this. It felt good to be normal again.

"I'm swearing on the regrowth of my hair that I will be chained to my desk till radiation ends."

"Speaking of that.." Jay rose from his bed, ventured to the bathroom and flicked the lights on, staring into his reflection for a good ten seconds. It wasn't pretty, nor did it look entirely well, but it was him for the time being. The knowledge that it was on the upward, destined to get better made things better. Jay turned his head to the side, phone now away from the mirror. He moved in till his head was a few inches away from the glass.

"It's definitely darker then a couple weeks ago," Jay replied.

"Good! That's great for this point after chemo. In a month you'll definitely start seeing growth." Jay grunted in agreement, ready to no longer hide himself from the world.

"Yeah. Alright, I've gotta go…"

"Yeah, I just got paged. I'll see you at what time?"

"Noon," Jay replied in annoyance. The two of them parted ways from there, Will rushing back into the ED while Jay returned to bed. He was T-minus three hours before he had to report for his extra powerful laser session and he intended to use a majority of that time in deep, peaceful sleep.

…

It appeared to be the longest ten step journey he'd ever take. The weatherman was spot on in saying the rain would never cease, Jay watching sheets of the wet sensation fall in splendid fashion. He grabbed an umbrella and raincoat but soon figured out that wouldn't be enough. He'd be getting wet, the long car ride into the Loop to Med would be enough time to dry off. Or so he hoped. Taking a final glance behind him Jay tore off, eyes focused on the Jeep and nothing else. Being late to the first appointment was already on the verge of coming true, his extra long time to rise from bed did nothing to help him race out the door. The clicking movement was felt under his hand as he grasped the door handle, practically diving into the driver's seat and slamming the door. Air wasn't coming, an odd moment for him. Jay rested his head against the head rest and closed his eyes, praying for the lungs to kick in and do their thing. He wasn't wheezing from the darting trip but was close to it. The adrenaline was pumping, the heart feeling as if to be out of his chest. He hadn't done anything like that in weeks and he never felt better, was alive and doing well. The journey to health, happiness, and normal life appeared to be well underway, whether his exterior knew it or not. Jay did a quick inventory of himself as he fired up the car. His shoes were soak and jeans were a different color from the knee down. The top half him was spared from the drenching but his headwear was dripping. It was then that he took the thing off. Partly because it was wet but mostly because he wasn't scared anymore…for the most part. He was alone in this car, and if anyone saw him he'd be gone before they could react. This brief outward appeared was just that, temporary and improving. Jay put the car in drive and headed into the near blinding rains, never feeling more clear and calm in his life.

It was on the ride over that be began to compare and contrast chemo to radiation. For starters, radiation didn't require a trip to the store. In times past the night before treatment Jay or others would be at a store, purchasing Gatorade or whatever nutritional thing he could manage over the next few days. Last night Jay stayed home, ate whatever the Postmates guy delivered and didn't think twice about how it would all come up the following day or two. That part was surprising, how quickly he reacquainted with food and forgetting the fear of vomit. As Jay sat at a light, watching people scurry to safety, that moment of sitting still brought up another difference. He was driving himself to treatment. He never did that, not even in the beginning. Furthermore he'd be able to drive himself home, to work, wherever he desired. Gone were the days to relying on Will and the others to get him to where he needed to be. While he'd miss the time with people, it felt great to have that element of freedom again. Jay couldn't help but smile at that one, live in bliss as he wove through traffic and puddles. Pulling up to Med was done without hesitation and finding a spot to park went down without a hitch. Certainly he was still battling cancer, the threat of this treatment not working right there, but in this moment he couldn't see that happening. He was on the downhill side of the mountain, that bright light that everyone told him to head for. As the alarm chirped behind him Jay found a pep to be in his step. Round two, the final round, was about to happen and he genuinely couldn't wait.

The same weaving through the hospital took place and Jay found himself walking into the radiology department at about the same 'beating of the buzzer' pace. Opening the door to the department revealed Will and Dr. Carter resting against a wall, talking in a way that might have heads turning.

"Hey you two," Jay announced, adding what he saw to the stack of evidence against the mysterious oncologist.

"You're just barely on time," Will shot back. Jay turned to look at the clock on the wall behind him.

"Yeah, but I made it so that's all that matters."

"Seconds. Literal seconds."

"Alright you too, let's get this going," Dr. Carter spoke, hoping to break them up before the personal jabs took place. The three of them made it past the main entrance and waved at the radiologist and her team before noting Jay's appearance.

"Why are you so wet," Will inquired?

"Have you been outside?"

"Actually no," Dr. Carter spoke for the two of them.

"Well, it's pouring. Like enough to overflow the lake raining. This is after the twenty minutes drive over here."

"So you're going to have to change. Maybe tomorrow bring a change of clothes. Just as long as it's loose fitting and doesn't have any metal." Jay nodded, making a mental note to pack a bag before he headed into the changing area. He was relieved to find scrubs and socks, thankful that someone figured out he hated the whole hospital gown thing. In no time he was changed and returned to the doctors, spinning in pride as they applauded his fancy look. It was comedic relief before things got underway.

Walking into the procedure room was enough to kick the heart rate up. It was all so real, allowing the weight of cancer and treatment to permeate things. Jay huffed, shoulders drooping as he analyzed the bulky beige machine that would soon be above him. Today it felt to be bigger then the trial run, Jay now foregoing the not caring attitude. He was grateful for that trial run, took comfort in having a vague idea of how this was all going to go down. Because without it he'd most likely be a mess inside.

"Alright, get comfortable," Dr. Carter encouraged, pointing to the exam table. Jay observed the markers on the table as he sat down, remembering how exact things had to be. While his goal was to get in and out without any adjustments, reality told him there wasn't a way for that to happen. Try as hard as he would, exact would never happen on the first try.

"Take the top off," Jay was instructed. He was halfway in a lying down position, shooting back up and bumping his head on the radiation machine, which earned a couple of laughs as a result.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, fine," Jay replied, rubbing his temple before pulling the scrub's top off. Once completely flat the work began. It started at the head and worked its' way down, Dr. Carter and the radiologist going back and forth with movements and random numbers. Their attitude would begin on problem solving before turning into near giving up, at one point Jay thought the treatment would be cancelled because they couldn't get things aligned. He never spoke this out, but would have appreciated them not behaving in an uneasy way because it wasn't helping him. But at last, some forty minutes after the tweaking began, they all started to back away, Jay staring at the black circle right above him. The radiologist was the last to leave, draping a warmed blanket over Jay before disappearing.

"Where are you guys going," he asked upon realizing he was soon to be the only person in the room.

"Remember when we said this was going to be like getting an x-ray?"

"Yeah?!"

"Well it's super powerful. So powerful that we have to be in another room. And it's also why we have to get things exact. The laser kills things and we don't want it to kill the wrong thing." Dr. Carter was in the adjoining room with the rest of the team, communicating with Jay via the intercom.

"That's so comforting," Jay wryly replied, now terrified that some unsuspecting part of him was about to be obliterated.

"Yeah, it's no joke. Okay, you'll hear the machine whine for a moment and start up like a car but remember, it's not going to hurt." Jay thought to nod, but that would require movement. Instead he closed his eyes, listening to the high pitched whine and gargling of the machine fire up for activity.

"So Will told me you're going back to work after this?" Jay's eyes were still closed, not ready to stare his laser combatant down.

"Yeah."

"You told them light work only, right?"

"Yeah, most of them don't know I'm coming back. But I'm sure they'll figure it out." The machine was moving, Jay noting the change in light and near silent swivel around him. But still the eyes remained glued shut.

"Well that's exciting. Just remember to take it easy, alright?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, we're all done." The eyes snapped open, Jay terrified to sit up. It couldn't have been that easy. All the commotion and power hovering above him, Jay couldn't understand how all that time prepping was for seconds.

"You can sit up," Dr. Carter spoke as she opened the door to the room. Jay sat up in puzzlement, waiting for the 'but' to the treatment.

"That's it?"

"Yup, that's it. Told you we'd get you out of here quickly." Throwing the blanket off of him Jay stood, looking for Will out of habit.

"Feels weird, right? Not having to deal with side effects and not leaving here drugged up."

"Yeah, this really is the easy part after all." Dr. Carter laughed, a little too much for Jay's liking. Will stuck his head in the room, holding up clothing and a protein shake.

"C'mon, you've got work to head to." You didn't have to tell Jay twice. In under two minutes he was changed and slurping as the three of them headed for the exit. Dr. Carter waved to them, made a joke about seeing them tomorrow before disappearing into the depths of the hospital, Jay beyond perplexed by the doctor.

"She's weird."

"But brilliant," Will retorted.

"Yeah, but different." Jay waved to Will, the two of them feeling the oddness to the moment. It was so not how the last few months went, but this was an awkward they waited a long time to partake. Neither of them talked about it, their brotherly telepathic looks doing that job for them.

"See you," Jay yelled down the hall.

"Yeah, bye," Will replied back. All that was left to do today was make a few very special and desiring people's day. This was a way of life could get behind, at last.

…

He was giddy, doing his best to hide his excitement as the district came into view. It had been a good two months since he'd done this, even longer since he last drove in. So much had happened since the last time, the distance memory of passing out on the floor flashing in front of him as he watched the parking gates open. A lot had changed, both for the good and bad. Today wasn't like the first day of school, but more like coming home from an extended vacation of soul searching. He was the prodigal son but in a different way, off fighting his own war before deciding it was time to head back to the land of the familiar. Jay noted the lack of cars in the lot, evidence that all of them were out patrolling the city or taking another evil minion down. In all honesty he was relieved they weren't there, playing into his plan without even realizing it. He wasn't one for a big entrance or grand gestures, just wanted to walk in and fit right back into the old way of things. Even if he was coming back on a lighter, restricted basis, he was doing what he loved and honestly it just felt good.

Jay jogged to the overhang that enveloped the back of the district, the rain having slowed to a steady stream. Entering the door codes into the building came with second nature, his hands slightly shaking as he grasped the handle, pulling it open and marching in. He wove his way through the hallway and back rooms before marching up the back steps to the district, the shriek of his unofficial mother causing him to stop dead in his tracks.

"Jay!" Trudy was chin deep in paperwork, the stack nestled under her chin and at least a foot deep. He turned to face her, smile brimming with excitement and reunion. Her affectionate mood towards him was still odd but Jay was in the process of trying to enjoy it.

"Do you need help," he inquired, pointing to the mountain in her arms? Her response was to place them on the floor, the two of them meeting in the middle. Her clutch on his was strong and full of surprise, clearly she didn't know of his return. Leave it to Voight to be silent and mysterious.

"How are things," Jay asked, choosing to ignore the sniffs coming off the person latched onto his shoulder.

"Oh, it's fine now. We've all missed you," she replied. Trudy was the first to back off, blushing as she wiped under her eyes. Clearly this was not a normal response from her, further proof of how much Jay meant to her, to everyone.

"So what are you doing here? Surely you're not back full time."

"I got approved for desk work, at least till radiation wraps up. From there it's a whole other thing before I get completely reinstated."

"When did you start radiation?"

"Today, just came from there."

"How did it go?"

"Fine, great. Things are looking good." Trudy nodded, lightly slapped his arm before returning to the floor. It was such a Platt reply. From there the two of them bantered, Jay offering to help while she refused, claiming that she was capable. In the end they split the stack, the two of them heading for the front desk with both feeling rather victorious. Along the way Jay received plenty of looks and greetings, word spreading that the sick one was on the premise. By the time Jay placed his portion of the paperwork on the counter he was retelling his life story of the last few months. Jay didn't mind in the least, finding comfort in the fact he was telling of the past. Furthermore these people genuinely cared about him, the least he could do is qualm their fear, be that visual confirmation that things were on the way to being alright. It was the call over the radio that finally broke up the Q&A session, Voight radioing that they'd returned with 'the package' and needed a cleared path between the back door and interrogation rooms. Jay waved to the group, racing for the steps and running his hand under the scanner. He was this close to completing his mission, wasn't about to let it fall apart right at the end. He felt the stares, the looks of satisfaction and contentment on his back, but he couldn't waste another moment mentally snapping the photo.

The best way to describe it was like slipping on a great pair of jeans. It all fit him so perfectly. At the top of the steps he took a moment to absorb it all. The board was jam packed with handwritten notes, photos, and maps, proof that they were far along in a case. Desks were a royal mess, papers strewn all over and take out wrappers creating a trail from the desk to trash, a late night basketball session recently went down. Jay noted Al's hat still hooked on the wall, that enough to make him miss the man. Had he been there he'd most likely pop out from the corner, a random fruit in one hand and knife in the other. He'd say something cool and unsurprised to Jay, letting him know that no amount of time apart would cause his demeanor to boost above mellow. From there Jay took a step and another, feeling the floor creak under him and smell the odor of several people occupied into a small space. Life was here, normalcy was here, and as he ran his hand on his desk he felt his ticket had been punched. He was home yet again.

They did the courteous thing of keeping his desk clean, not a speck of dust or notes to be found. His desk must've been a symbol, an ornament of what was to come. As Jay opened the candy drawer he saw that the thing hadn't been emptied but instead filled, their unusual way to greet him whenever he returned. His hand was just above a bag of peach rings when the gate downstairs buzzed, letting him know they were just on the other side. Jay lowered himself enough to where they couldn't see, listening to the mumbling and instructions the many voices were speaking. He counted down to three and then rose. Let the reunion commence.

"Thanks for the candy, guys." His face was shining with excitement, standing with arms open as they all jumped in surprise.

"Holy cow," Kim spoke while dashing for Jay, Hailey not too far behind them. As the two women embraced him Adam and Kevin walked to meet them, patting his back and asking how things were. Jay spent the next few minutes divulging everything from the last few weeks, beginning with the chemo and going right up to radiation. Some details were skimmed while others were given in full detail. They all admired the radiation tattoos and laughed over his hatred of the process. Adam welcomed him to the dark side of tats and told him it wouldn't be the last. Jay just shrugged. Voight was the last to enter the picture, leaning against Hailey's desk and watching, a witness to his unit slowly becoming whole once again.

"So when do you start kicking our butts again," Adam commented?

"At least a few more weeks, probably a couple of months. Till then I get to hang out here." They all nodded, getting that Jay probably wanted to be back full force at this point.

"You'll get there in no time," Voight commented, which had everyone turn to face him.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Jay shot unit cleared for the two men to greet each other, Jay making the first move. Hugging your boss is something you don't envision doing, and certainly not one like Hank Voight, but despite that it was nice, like the prodigal son meeting the father. Jay was home and all was right with the world.

"So, what are you guys working on," Jay spoke, steering things away from him and back towards work.

"Kidnapping and ransom case."

"Did you find the person who was kidnapped?"

"Yeah, SWAT talked the guy into letting them go. Young girl, early teens. Dad was the alderman across town. So from there we were instructed to find the why."

"Had this happened before?"

"Not here but kidnappings with this similar pattern happened in New York, LA, Atlanta, big cities with diverse political landscapes."

"So what do you have so far?"

"We've figured out it's a network. People are creating false accounts on Twitter. We've got tech working on other social media platforms but Twitter seems to be the main outlet used. Basically they boost politicians numbers, up their likes and retweets and communicating through DMs, possibly disguising themselves as donors or people who work on campaigns."

"The things people do now for a vote," Jay muttered. They all nodded in agreement. Jay rubbed his temple, fully analyzing the data on the board. The case was deep, massive, clearly requiring more then Intelligence's force. This was a case for the federal government, not some task force in a single city. Eventually he moaned at the realization of how small they were in the scheme of things.

"Is it just you guys working on this? Who pulled us into this case?"

"The Ivory Tower. Honestly it feels like this is a do or die case. Solve this and we get to stick around. Don't solve it.."

"And they shut us down. Which is ridiculous."

"Yeah. We're working with the FBI office here in Chicago and trying to get in contact with the one in New York. We're just scratching the surface on this thing but once we get some answers, the rest of it will make sense."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"You up for an interrogation? Kidnapper is down in the cage." Jay was floored by the extension of the task, figuring he wouldn't get to do that for awhile. He didn't have to be asked a second time.

"Let's do this," he replied. Despite not knowing the interworkings of the case, or the painstaking event that was about to take place, Jay was ready to dive into the unknown yet again.

…

The kicker was that it wasn't your typical criminal. As Jay, Voight, and Hailey walked into the backroom, striding ever closer to the cage, the first thing that came to mind was how innocent this person looked. For starters he looked to be no older then twenty, his sandy blonde hair and scrawny body not doing things for him. He wore glasses, clothes barely clinging to his frail frame. He looked to have not eaten in weeks, his characteristic giving hint to how washed his mind had become. He was smiling, biting laughs as the cage door opened. There was this lacking in personality, as if he were a fictional character come to reality. Jay took the middle position of the group, Voight to his left and Hailey to sit right. Despite being chained to the wall and sitting on a bench at a police precinct the kid looked to be very at peace, perhaps the most frightening part of this whole thing. In the moment Jay felt bad for him, wanted to know where things went wrong in his life that he sold himself to whatever form to deception he stumbled upon. It was in the criminal's opening statement that Jay began to realize the caliber of resistance they were up against.

"I'm proud of what I did. Glad we scared that spoiled brat. Would gladly do it again. Someone needs to hold them accountable." Jay sighed, now crossing his arms as Hailey took a step into the cage.

"Jamie, you are aware that kidnapping a political figure's family member comes with serious consequences. You're looking at real jail time." Jamie just laughed, rolled his eyes as if he'd heard her line before.

"It's all for the cause."

"What's the cause," Hailey gently asked?

"Well since I'm already going away for a very long time, there's no point in keeping things to myself." Jay cocked his head at that one. This was a first, a perp willingly sharing the motive behind their erred actions.

"For far too long political empires have run this country. It's not about the people, but agendas. America's money is being funneled through these regimes not the economy. Someone needs to get the people's money to them." Voight scoffed, stepping back hide his disgust for the whole speech. This was the face of crime, a naive, easily swayed child going head first with their radical beliefs. Voight wasn't prepared for this new era of criminal.

"So why kidnap kids? Where do they fit into their parent's political stance?"

"Take what matters the most to people and they'll pay anything to get that thing back. Sometimes it's kids, other times it's wives, husbands, family pets, whatever they love the most we take."

"So you're a modern day Robin Hood, steal from the rich to give to the poor." Jamie laughed, rocking his head back and forth in disagreement.

"Robin Hood was stealing, we're reclaiming what is ours. They're the thieves, not us."

"How do you lure them in? The things people love the most," Jay finally cut in.

"Their social media activity, duh. Thanks to databases like Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and whatever else it's so easy to track people. Analyze what they like or dislike, when they come on and when they're off, what they share and what they keep hidden. It takes time but eventually everyone can be figured out."

"Who's running all of this? What's the endgame? Run the political empires dry and leave the country in anarchy?"

"Oh, you thought I was going to spill that much. I'm all for sharing the cause, but you'll never get me to role on my people. Now if you'll just escort me to that terrifying hell hole you speak of, I'd like to get my night rolling. Usually fall asleep by ten." It took everything in the trio to not reach over and fight this person, dig ever so deep into his mind and force him to continue speaking. But as they all sat and watched him adjust in his place on the bench and nestle his head against the chain link wall something told them that idea was just that, an idea; a fantasy that would never come true. Hailey was the first to move, leaving her spot in the cage and head for the exit, her anger and despise for the evil of this world just about to overflow. Voight so much as huffed before walking back towards the district steps. But Jay hung back, stared at this sad, lost, confused person, still finding a way to feel pity for him. By the grace of whatever forces were in his life he didn't end up like this. Certainly he had beliefs, but his were solid, kept him on the straight and narrow. Despite a rocky home life and violent time overseas, his core, his inner self never wavered. Even after losing both parents and going through a season of loneliness, here he stood on the other side of the cage, the right side. Perhaps this kid could've been him, made a lasting, positive impact on the world. Blame his education, throw shade at his friend base, consider the parents for neglecting him when he needed them most. That was when the invisible lightbulb went off above his head.

"One of your parents is in politics." For the first time in their entire visit the real Jamie arrived. Albeit for only a moment, but the look he gave Jay said it all. In a matter of minutes Jay had found his weakness, the motive behind it all.

"Nice try," Jamie spat back. Voight stuck his head back in the room, tuning in to his detective pick Jamie's facade apart.

"No, it all makes sense. Mom went off to run for office, had dreams of making it to the top. Spent most of her time campaigning or fundraising while moving and shaking up the political scene, leaving you all alone. Every extra curricular activity, every Saturday morning sporting event a friend or relative had to take on the parenting role. While the rest of the kids had moms and dads cheering for them you had no one. While they were serving their community you were completely abandoned." Jamie didn't say a word, just stared into Jay's soul before spitting towards the ground.

"No wait, it was dad, wasn't it?" A smile crept across Jamie's face, as if he'd won a staring contest.

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Oh I would and I intend to. So enjoy this charade you and you're friends are having, it's days are numbered." It was then that Jay stormed off, closing the door behind him and greeting Voight at the bottom of the steps.

"It's not about the money, it's to get back at his parent, parents, who knows. We need to start identifying politicians, former and current, who have kids. Cross that with IP addresses of the accounts and go from there. I'd bet a lot of money that this is all some revenge scheme. Surely this kid is not the only politician's child with abandonment issues. Voight smirked, nodding his head before patting Jay's shoulder.

"Welcome back, Jay. Let's get to work."

"What are we waiting for?"

**So this storyline will be continued for the next couple of chapters, but kind of take a backseat in a way. You'll see what I mean as we go along. So the next chapter we'll also see a tiny time jump. The thing about radiation is that it doesn't have the same event telling as chemo. It really is like getting and x-ray and apart from the everyday occurrence of it, there isn't a whole lot more to tell. I didn't think you guys would enjoy the same thing over and over again. Next chapter is going to be dramatic, it's a big one in the whole scheme of things. Thank you so much for reading! **


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10- A Spleendidly Terrible Day

**You guys, my heart is so full from your sweet comments. You guys are the best and you're listening to the music?! This is the best thing ever. So as the title reveals, a bit of a setback and removal takes place in this chapter. It's been hinted throughout the story and now this moment has come. Let's get into this. **

Perhaps the most striking part of the whole day was that he woke up completely fine. Waking up that morning could have and was considered to be just like any other day. The world was still dark, the sun still letting most of the city sleep for a time. Jay glanced at his phone to read 7:13am, two minutes before his alarm was supposed to go off. Light sleeping was both a blessing and a curse, today definitely residing in the curse category. He wisely used his two minutes to stare up, go over all that the day had in store. He and the team were meeting with the FBI at their office in town. Two weeks since his return to work saw nothing but that case. They all ate it, slept on it, worked from sunrise to sundown on it with little progress being made. The more they dug the more evidence and misery bubbled over. They were elbow deep in suspects and targets but none of them making sense, none of it having a single, solid thing or person in common. This one was a massive rendition of Pandora's Box and it appeared the bottom would never be reached. Thus the reason for the meeting with the FBI, to brainstorm the day away. Intelligence would share what they had, the FBI was hoping to connect the dots. Jay glared a hole into the ceiling, going over what he did and did not know for the billionth time, concluding that either this case would swallow him whole or it would be the one that turned him back towards patrol, neither option a good one.

His alarm went off and began to sing its' pleasant yet awakening tune, Jay still fixated on the case plastered on the ceiling. It all was so much, the puzzle pieces scattered all over and seeming to be senseless. They need a guide, a roadmap, something to point them to the outline of things in an effort for them to dig in to the heart of things. But in actuality he should've been listening to the lyrics of the song he chose the night before. At the time it was that perfect balance between soft and lifting and stirring and consciousness. It was how he selected most alarms for an early rise. Looking back his choice was stemmed by the coming of events, as if his mind knew what was just down the road. It was a song called 'Not Too Late' by Sailr and by day's end it's lyrical message would ring so true.

"When everything is going down…oh my dear please hear me now. Don't let go just keep your heartbeat close," echoed into the dark room, Jay using the swelling of the song to lift him upright. The song was well into the second chorus before Jay shut the alarm off, rising and slinking to the bathroom. Another day filled with opportunity was ahead of him and he had every intention of making the most of it.

The eyes squinted under the power of the bathroom lights. The sting from the light change made Jay rub his eyes, wonder how he was able to stare into daylight yet shrivel under the soft lightbulbs. In reality it was the drastic change in lighting, the eyes needing a moment to narrow the lens and adjust to its' surroundings. It was in the turning on of the shower that he first noticed it. There wasn't a stabbing pain or even a hint of discomfort, just a voice. It was lower then a whisper, simple words knocking on the way distant part of his brain. He'd experienced this before, his conscious telling him to prepare. It's that feeling, that hint that things are about to get bad. Like moments before a car accident or the day before a bad cold, the brain was telling him to brace because something was about to happen. Jay shrugged it off, chalked it up to nerves about the meeting or the very real threat of the case driving him mad. As he undressed he stared at his reflection in the fogging mirror, encouraged by the continued darkening of his head and thin layer of hair that had begun to sprout. He was so close to the point of needing shampoo again. After a single scan of himself he dove into the shower, allowing the warmth and peacefulness of its' essence to run all over. Showers were everything, the perfect symbol of renewal. He'd spent many an hour in this rectangular object, its' healing characteristics truly allowing him to feel a sense of progression. He entered the shower a mess and worried, would leave relaxed and reinvigorated. He sat under the water today for exactly eight minutes, preceding to lather and rinse before stepping out.

It was in the closet that the first twinge of pain rippled across his body. The pain wasn't anything alarming but enough to where he was no longer hungry, which is odd for a person who never skips a meal. At the time Jay assumed it was an oncoming stomach bug or indigestion from the night before. His immune system was still bouncing back from the chemo and catching something was a high probability. The sign was there but he figured it was something else. He was doing so well with treatment surely things couldn't go south that bad. He half thought to call Will, fill him in on the possibility, but all too quickly changed his mind. It was the case. It was the nervous energy of the day. Nothing more, or so Jay thought. On his way out the door he downed two over the counter pain meds and grabbed a thermos of water, hydration would have to do for now.

…

The FBI building is this massive grey tower just north of the Loop. It's straight figure and grand statuesque nature was the perfect symbol for the agency. They were large, they were overlooking things, their presence was something to behold or fear. Jay noted the top of the building scraping the low hanging clouds of the day, wondering how they could call themselves agents of the people as they sat in the clouds. They were so big and distant its' no wonder they got their reputation. While he and the rest of the team were down low, getting messy and venturing through the city streets, big brother sat high above them in fine tailored suits and crisp shirts, waiting to take credit for someone else's hard work. Walking through the marble lobby, noting the gold plated fixtures on the walls, Jay missed the comfort and aesthetics of the 21st, wishing to be there instead.

"Jay," Hailey called from across the way, Jay's eyes connecting with the group huddled in the corner. They all looked so out of place, their jeans, sweaters, and jackets and boots were too rustic for this place. Jay chuckled as he listened to his boots squeak against the polished floors, loving that he was nothing like this.

"Good morning," he greeted the group, his tone both tired and antsy. They returned the verbal greeting with head nods or grunts, cups of coffee adorned in a hand.

"So what are we waiting for?"

"Them," Voight replied with a huff. If there was anything Hank Voight hated it was waiting, especially for big brother.

"Another treatment today," Kim asked Jay? He replied with a quick nod.

"Yeah, 1 today. Someone mixed up the scheduling." Kim shrugged.

"Is it going well? Still no side effects?"

"No, everything's great." Oh the lie in that phrase. Because what he didn't tell them was that the lull of pain he had back at the apartment was now occasional bouts of sharp pain. Stomach bug was replaced with kidney stones, the sharpness of his middle section assumed to be just like the throbbing of a stone. Instead of telling them this Jay chose to walk his pain out, shuffling a step or two in opposite directions, his pain being masked as nerves or anticipation.

"It's just a meeting, Jay."

"Yeah, just a lot riding on this. We're pretty much at the end of our rope here." They all collectively nodded, none of them wanting this case to proceed much further. The ultimate goal of the meeting was the hope that the FBI would take the case over, release Intelligence back into the city. But the odds of that happening were about as high as Jay's assumption that nothing was wrong. He'd taken a seat on a bench for just a moment when a brunette women runway walked to the group. The tightness and dark color of her pant suit told them she was serious, the confidence in her stride alerted them they were her target.

"Hank Voight," she asked a handful of steps away? Hank emerged from the pack, extending a hand to shake.

"Agent Carlyle FBI. We're ready for you upstairs." They followed her to the elevator, Jay taking up the rear. With each step he felt more unlike himself, the weight of whatever illness he was coming down with hindering. Hailey noticed his sluggishness but decided to not ask, figuring it was the big C that was making him off today. Jay watched the floor numbers climb, that sickening feeling flooding him with every passing floor. This assumed normal day was going to wind up being everything but.

…

The room was completely encased in glass. The fog was outside was both hindering the view and playing backdrop to the meeting, but the lights and sirens of Chicago filled in where they could. This was a meeting in the clouds, as if they would be talking to God himself. In the middle of the room was an expensive table, chairs pushed into the entire perimeter. It looked to be able to seat a whole wedding party, the team wondering if or when the agency packed the place out. Today though the room was occupied by two men, both of them rising as the group burst into the room.

"Everyone this is Agent Rivera and Agent Hanna, the three of us have been assigned to this case and have been working with other agencies on this. This is a big one, am I right?"

"Yeah," they replied.

"Please have a seat," she told them, all of them relaxing and leaning back in no time.

"So let's begin with what you have," Voight started, glaring Agent Rivera down. He was a young guy, easily in his early thirties. He wore a traditional grey suit with a white collared shirt and blue tie, making him the picture of a stiff government agent. Agent Rivera rose, removing a clicker from his pocket and pointing it to the rather large screen behind him. The first thing to appear on the screen was a map of the country, red dots speckling a vast majority of the map, heavy spots hovering around major cities.

"Each dot represents a case of kidnapping or theft related to a political figure happening around the time of the social media activity. Clearly the highest amount of activity is happening in large, politically diverse cities like Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, and Atlanta. We cross referenced this with the earliest crimes and narrowed it down to LA, New York, and Atlanta. Each of these crimes were connected to either first time politicians or lower level campaigns, county or town related campaigns. Now given the last election we have reason to believe the source of this whole thing is based in Atlanta or New York."

"Atlanta? Isn't that mostly a republican state? It's gone red for the last couple of decades," Kevin interrupted. Agent Rivera nodded, glancing over to Agent Hanna for assistance.

"True, but in the state's most recent election there was a concern for voter fraud, an investigation was actually conducted right after the midterms. It may have been a solid red state in the past but it appears its' in a transition."

"So what, the voter fraud was actually the people involved in our case?" Agent Hanna shrugged.

"They could never prove voter fraud and the issue eventually died down, but it was during that midterm that a lot of small crimes happened around those smaller campaigns. Is there a connection? We don't know at this time." While they went on to discuss the small facets of the case Jay was gone, zoned out at the far end of the table, day dreaming into a panic. A familiar foe was reentering his mindset. It was one he'd gotten very comfortable with in prior months, its' unexpected return honestly scaring him. It wasn't a side effect of the radiation, it couldn't be happening right now, at the top of the FBI building. He was embarrassed, nervous, terrified something was going wrong. No longer could he push away the thoughts, this feeling being a sign of the turn for the worse. Suddenly this case was pointless, secondary to whatever was failing within him. Pressing fingers to his temple Jay massaged, willing himself to hold out till the meeting was done.

"You realize we only have jurisdiction in the city limits. Anything outside and we can't help."

"We can handle getting your police powers extended to wherever." Adam's shoulders dropped, disappointed that they weren't ditching the case that easily.

"When do we fly out?"

"ASAP."

"Sorry to interrupt, where's the bathroom," Jay interjected? All of them turned to face him, now seeing the signs. He was pale, wide eyed and spaced out. Trouble was registered all over his person. They'd forgotten about him being there once the meeting began, but seeing him now they wished they'd paid more attention.

"Down the hall on the left." Jay nodded, face beet red has he calmly headed for the door. Hailey watched till he disappeared down the hall, noting the increased pace in his step. She looked to Voight who nodded, Hailey taking off in no time. By the time she reached the door she heard all she needed to. It was deja vu in the worst imaginable way.

The bathroom was a carbon copy of the lobby, the white marble and gold handles on the door seeming out of place for a men's bathroom. The place was sparkling clean, Jay swearing he saw a glint of shine on the faucet when he ran in. That whispering foe from moments ago was now at his throat, tightening it and filling it with something unpleasant. Jay hated that he was about to mess of the pristine nature of this room, but didn't care in the least. It all happened so quickly, Jay closing his eyes as he let the body do what it needed to do. The episode lasted for a good minute, Jay a little amazed he had that much stuff in his GI tract. But it was once things died down and he returned to the world that he realized why it was so much. It was dark, thick, metallic, and red. It was blood.

"Jay?" Hailey knocked on the door, waiting for the confirmation to enter. It was a men's bathroom after all and it was weird to break that unspoken rule to not enter. She knocked once and listened, heard Jay panting and wincing in pain. Whatever was going on was serious, that threat commanding her to break down the door. What was on the other side was sickening, pun completely intended. Jay was sitting on the floor, back resting on the stall wall. As she approached she heard the toilet flushed, her hands clamping onto her mouth as she watched him wipe away a dribble of blood on his lip.

"Call…Will," he gasped out. Hailey did as was told, neither of them speaking. Both of them agreeing that Jay was in a world of trouble.

…

Hour twelve, the finish line was crossed without the possibility of delays. As he opened the doctor's lounge door Ethan was sitting on a chair, awaiting his turn at the never ending machine called a rotation in the ED. Every week the doctors and nurses rotated shifts, one group taking the morning while the other claimed the night. This week Will was on the night shift, honing his nocturnal skills as he slept while the rest of the world lived. He hated these weeks, was convinced each round of them was longer then the last. Walking to his locker Ethan waved and smiled, rubbing in his well rested appearance while Will to have endured the zombie apocalypse.

"Rough night," he asked? Will grunted in disgust, hoping to never see another needle or rectum x-ray again.

"Let's put it this way, having to pull a broken IV needle out of someone's flailing arm was the least eventful thing that happened." Ethan chuckled, rolling his eyes as Will stared into the far corner of his locker.

"Sorry, man." Will shrugged. T-minus twenty minutes till he was passed out in bed under three layers of sheets; or so he thought. It was at this moment that the phone buzzed, the metal surface it rested on acting as a soundboard, the whole room able to hear the phone going off. Hailey's called ID was not expected, and the timing of her call rather suspicious.

"Oh no," Will breathed as he placed the phone to his ear.

"What's going on?" Hailey inhaled deep, as if to hide emotion or surprise in Will answering. In the background he could hear Jay talking, silently lowering the fear. At least Jay was alive and conscious.

"I'm going to put it on speaker," Hailey replied, Will able to hear rustling and whispering before things cleared again.

"Jay," he coolly spoke.

"Will, it really hurts." Since the bout of nausea the act of breathing was a chore. Along with the vomiting came a new crest of pain, the incident over the toilet seeming to be the breaking of the pain dam. Forget the sharp pains a half hour ago, this was blinding, debilitating, pushing to stay conscious level of pain. The best way to describe it was numbing, blinding, white hot lava. Jay's responses were delayed, doing his best to focus on staying awake. Pain was all he knew and felt right now.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. He was fine when we got here but just now threw up. He's sitting on the floor and I can't get him to stand." Jay's left arm was resting over his mid section, body now sweating and extremities shaking.

"What did he throw up? He shouldn't be having any of that. It might be a virus." Jay had a rude, snarky remark in the chamber ready to fire, but all he could do was huff.

"It was blood," Jay replied before long. Will went from standing at the door to collapsing on a chair. This wasn't some side effect of the radiation, this was now a life or death situation. A situation that was plopped into his lap without warning.

"Was it a lot?" Jay nodded.

"He said yes." Will whispered a curse, pulling the phone away from his ear for a moment.

"Where's the pain the worst?"

"I think his stomach," Hailey replied, Jay nodding in agreement.

"Ok, when did this start?"

"This morning, but it wasn't this bad."

"Like when you got up?"

"Yeah, it started to feel weird right before I left. I took some Advil and.."

"-Hold up, you took what?" That one made Will's skin crawl, ice water sprout all over his body.

"Advil," Hailey nervously replied?! The two occupying the bathroom clueless on the shock from that word.

"You need to get him here, now. It sounds he might have a rupturing spleen and he took an NSAID, a pain reliever that can thin your blood."

"Wait, what?! His spleen?" Jay closed his eyes, bumping his head against the wall.

"It's been enlarged this entire time. It's the whole reason for stage three."

"He's right," Will replied. Hailey looked to the bathroom door, suddenly feeling to be a million miles away from the earth. She remembered where they were, how far away the elevator was, the ground floor. It was as if she was standing at the edge of the Pacific Ocean, told to swim to China for safety. Small, meaningless was the perfect way to describe her at that moment.

"Will, we're at the FBI building downtown. We're on the top floor. I can't.." She looked over to Jay who was leaning over as another event was about to take place.

"Hailey, I don't care if the two of you were in a maximum security prison. Get him here, now. He could bleed to death." She closed her eyes, listening to Jay struggle as the lifeline was leaving his system. Instead of falling into a heap of emotions she turned to face the door, fix her eyes on the handle and breathe. That was their way out, the ticket to freedom.

"We'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Hailey, you can do this. But hurry." She nodded, hanging up and returning the phone to her pocket. Jay was now laying on the floor, eyes closed as his breath shook. It was both scary and incredible to see how quickly he was deteriorating.

"I'm sorry, Jay. But we've gotta get you up and out of here." The smallest whine came out of the limp person on the ground. It wasn't the response she hoped for, but was the best sound in the world at this point.

…

Miraculously Jay made it to the waiting car without further incident, depending on who you ask. Hailey's first move was to text Adam, alert of needing assistance and pronto. Once he arrived things moved fast, Hailey juggling encouraging Jay while informing Adam of all that happened. The two of them became human crutches, one on each side of Jay if and when he needed to stop. Graciously the building had a second elevator, further into the building and exited onto a side street rather then the front door. Jay never lost consciousness and was able to walk without much limitation, but it was the occasional zoning out that made them all worry. He was escaping to another world, some place far from the pain filled and miserable one his body was living in. Once on the elevator Jay doubled over, a hand on each thigh as he dry heaved. All three were aware of the potential blood splatter that would be painted all over the floor, but it was the least of their worry. Miraculously, Jay's body held things in, allowed him to make it to the truck without stopping again.

The three of them were gone in seconds, Adam flying through the city like a stunt driver while Jay sat in the passenger seat, forehead glued to the window as his arm lazily draper over his stomach. Every now and then his head would tilt forward, as if to fall asleep, and the other two would yell at him, wrestle his shoulder, do something to keep them on earth.

"This is so embarrassing," Jay at a red light halfway through the journey.

"Don't worry about it, man. That's the farthest thing from true."

"Oh dammit, the case. Their down to three people."

"Jay, it's not important right now," Hailey spoke, gently patting his shoulder as if to tell him to focus. She wasn't sure if Jay knew or heard Will's weighted words, that Jay was in a dire battle right now, but wanted to get across that his health was of utmost importance.

Arriving at the ED bay was like any other trauma coming in. Will was there with a nurse, the two of them pacing as they watched the truck fly into the driveway and weave it's way to their location. Will flung the passenger door open, the swiftness of his action nearly allowing Jay to fall out of the seat.

"It's ok, we've got you," Will quietly told Jay who was barely keeping it together. His willingness to exit the car and sit in the waiting wheelchair driving that home.

"Get Rhodes down here now," Will requested as they rolled into the department. Maggie watched in concern for a split second, Will's instructions kicking her attention back on the issue at hand.

"Trauma four," she yelled to him, nodding to Hailey and Adam as they took the rear of the pack. From this point the curtains were closed, the commotion of transferring Jay and getting him situated playing the story of what all was going on. The lack of protest or banter from Jay was troubling, but no one was freaking out, at least not externally at this point. The pulling back of the curtain revealed Jay looking like any other patient in this hospital. He was in a hospital gown, on oxygen and getting an IV inserted into his arm, Will putting him on monitors before pulling a blanket up to the top of his legs. The nurse assisting the setup read off numbers, Will shaking his head before reassuring Jay things were alright.

"He's definitely in shock," Will muttered as he grabbed for the portable ultrasound.

"What? How is he still awake," Adam asked? Will shrugged.

"He's Jay, he finds a way to make things difficult on himself."

"Jay can totally hear you," Jay replied in the most painful voice yet. The tears were there for Hailey, but instead she smiled, looking up at the ceiling to shield her hatred of seeing him like that.

"What've we got," Rhodes announced, brushing past Adam and Hailey without a greeting.

"Possible ruptured spleen. Thrown up blood and pain is at a.."

"-Eight," Jay cut in, closing his eyes as another sharp wave spiked.

"Have you given him any pain meds?"

"He took Advil a few hours ago." Rhodes shot his head up at that one, eyes widened before returning to normal. No sense and reacting to what wasn't reversible.

"Ok, get him on a low dose of stage one pain meds." The nurse rattled off a name that Jay had never heard of, not caring as long as it helped his current predicament. Minutes later the drugs were kicking in. The pain wasn't completely gone but certainly at a level Jay could function on. From there the hospital bed was lowered enough for Rhodes to complete the ultrasound, the cold gel making Jay wince as it kissed his skin.

"Sorry, this might be uncomfortable," Rhodes said as he applied the wand to the pain spot. Jay nodded, closing his eyes as the discomfort went all over.

"Well, we could do a CT but it's definitely rupturing. Which OR is open?"

"Oh crud," Jay croaked out, running hands over his face.

"Hey, you're going to be alright." Will reached for a hand, Jay nodding in the sentiment.

"Three just opened up but it's scheduled for another operation in half an hour."

"Is it life threatening?"

"Elective."

"Push it, he's gotta go up now." From there it was a myriad of things going on at once. Hailey and Adam were gently and kindly pushed out of the room again, Jay being raced through pre-op steps for his redline to the OR. It began with the shot of antibiotics and immune boosters, standard requirement for an emergency splenectomy. The spleen is a vital part of the immune system, removing it meant greatly reducing the body's ability to fight infections and illnesses. Over time other parts of the body would take over the spleen's functions, but in the immediate aftermath of things this booster shot was literally life or death. Jay winced as the larger then normal needle pierced his shoulder, Will jokingly reminding him he was the biggest baby. From there another IV port was put in place for the anesthesia and the surgery sight was prepped with antiseptic. Once Jay had been poked and prodded from head to toe the brothers were given minutes alone, Rhodes pacing outside the curtain. The loud clanks of the ticking time bomb in Jay's body was thumping his head. But in the ED room Jay was at full freak out level now, sitting up as he ran hands over the top of his head, hands clasping together in the back.

"Can we just take a moment to process what is going on?" Will was sitting on the far end of the bed, nodding in disbelief at how out of nowhere everything went down. He was supposed to be home, watching trash TV eating a bowl of cereal in his pajamas and slippers before dozing off, not watching his brother have to go through a major operation before the clock struck noon. He was waiting for someone to wake him up from all of this.

"Will," Jay called again, letting him know this was all actually happening. In the literal blink of an eye life decided to flip upside down.

"Yeah," a rub of the tip of the nose occurring without him registering.

"Is this because of the cancer? Radiation? Did I do something wrong." Will now turned to face his brother, noting how he looked anything but healthy. His skin was white, much lighter than it typically was. The freckles really stood out, their growing contrast to the skin acting as a backlight for them. He was still thin, despite the increased appetite after the chemo he was still aways off from his old form, the lack of muscle mass being the most obvious part of it all. The top of him didn't look like what he was accustomed to nor was his overall person that of pre-cancer Jay. In this moment Will felt like a creep, horrible person for assuming Jay would fly through treatment without so much as a hiccup. This stupid, vicious, horrific disease was a bitch, taking even the best of them down. Will shook his head, fascinated with his cupped hands before trailing into his response.

"You didn't do anything wrong. It is the cancer."

"So why is everyone freaking out that I took Advil." Will looked up, did his best to smile before continuing.

"It didn't help, but you didn't know it would hurt anything. This was always a possibility. The cancer enlarged the organ and the radiation is probably what kicked things into gear. But none of this is your fault. It happens, Jay."

"Is this going to delay treatment?"

"Yeah, probably. You've now got to recover from this but luckily you're not that far away from finishing radiation. It shouldn't be that bad." Jay nodded, the shaking from shock and nerves and emotion making his attempt to pull the blanket up near impossible.

"I don't want you to go through what I did." Will cocked his head, scrunching his forehead at the missing of Jay's point. He was about to inquire when Rhodes couldn't delay things a moment longer.

"We've gotta go, now." Will looked to Jay as he laid back in the bed, closing his eyes while nodding. This move from him seemed to be allowance for things to happen however they would. Will walked with the surgical team to the elevator, Rhodes pounding the up arrow as they all impatiently waited for the car to arrive. The ding of the car's arrival acted as the gun to the start of a race, Jay pushed in with the rest of them in tow.

"You're going to be fine. I'll see you when you're done," Will told Jay who gave him a valiant thumbs up. Will stepped back and watched the display of floor numbers blink upward till they hit the OR floor. It was stopping of the light show and the sound of the car returning that it the meaning blindsided Will. Whatever amount of calm and composure he once had vanished, his whole self crumbling to the floor in a balling heap. Jay was there at the end, watching someone they both deeply loved slip away under the firm grip of a something that was completely out of his control. That's when it all came home, the very real chance that Jay may not make it to the end of this day.

…

Eventually he came to his senses, opening his wet eyes to realize he was sitting against the wall between two elevators, sobbing as he people boarded the cars and sailed to destinations unknown. His sobbing, blubbering self was probably not helping things, Will completely shocked no one had stooped down to help. With the state of the ED that was understandable. If doctor's and nurses weren't treating patients they were readying themselves for the next round of medical mystery. It had been one of those nights and by all accounts would continue into the daylight. Will collected his phone from his pocket, scrolling through its' to find his timer. Thanks to his previous life in New York he had an inkling for surgery times. With little to go on he was able to estimate how long an operation would take and for the most part was pretty spot on. Winding the clock as he rose, Will hit the green button as the elevator doors dinged open. Will claimed the far left corner and rested against it. In a way, he was just like every other person that climbed onto this contraption. Because while he too knew the floor he'd exit on he had no solid understanding of what would happen on the other side. The only thing Will knew was that Jay got off and was assumed to be wheeled into surgery, the rest a complete and terrifying mystery. Despite the official attire he was just like everyone else, praying and hoping they'd see their loved one ride that rectangular metal box again.

OR waiting rooms are perhaps the worst room in the world. For starters the finishings are horrific, the walls the most dreary shade of grey with burgundy and white borders wrapping around the middle, like some tacky belt synching it's heavy burdens in tight. The chairs were those contraptions you could never get comfortable in. The backs and seats felt to be millimeters thick, their rigidity making the ability to lean back not possible. The location and spacing of the arms do not allow for people to cram a collection of them together and lie down. In conclusion, this was the worst gift a hospital could give to people who were grieving or painstakingly waiting news on a loved one. Will jokingly went to the fictional board meeting of hospital decor. The genius minds opting for this monstrosity of a chair over other, more appropriate option. Clearly their brilliant minds slipped up on this one. The other thing that Will hated about this room was how many chairs there were, in this room alone there were at least thirty, forty seats crammed into the perimeter and middle points of the room, this being one of many spots throughout the hospital. Will wondered if this place was ever at max capacity, feared the event that would elicit this. But today the room was rather quiet and empty, apart from a relived and petrified Hailey and Adam who rose at Will's presence.

"Well?" Will nodded, walking towards them and accepting their gifts of a hug.

"He's in surgery right now." Hailey quickly ran her hand through her hair, ending with the tucking of sections behind her ear. Adam nodded, accepted the announcement and sat.

"So what, it's going to be several hours? A couple weeks in here? He's going to hate that." Will smirked, delighted in their confidence that Jay would make it through unscathed, for the most part.

"Actually, as life threatening and major as a splenectomy is the surgery doesn't take that long." Will held up his phone, showing an hour and twenty-five minutes remaining.

"That's it? I thought it would be at least three, four hours."

"No, it's not that complicated of an operation. Similar to an appendectomy but a little more labor intensive." Adam and Hailey nodded, their worry seeming to dissipate a bit.

"Was there a way to prevent this? Is this normal for his type of cancer?"

"No, there wasn't anything Jay could have done or avoided, this just happens every now and then. It's not rare but it's not common either. When it wants to go, it goes. Sometimes injury or illness help that along but there isn't a drug to correct a rupturing spleen. His was enlarged because of the cancer and may have been encouraged to keep expanding because of the radiation, but that's the risk you have to take."

"Could this spread the cancer to other areas?"

"No, in fact it'll help. By removing the organ that was housing a good amount of the cancer it's out of him."

"Does it normally happen that quickly?"

"It can, yeah." Will was about to say something, some random muttering of encouragement when the waiting room door was thrust open, a visually surprised and concerned Dr. Carter resting in the doorway.

"Susan?" She looked to the group and relaxed, striding in and taking a seat next to Will. Hailey and Adam had never met this person before, very much stumped on who the attractive woman was Will knew on a first name basis.

"Guys, this is Dr. Susan Carter, she's Jay's oncologist." Hailey nodded while Adam hid a smirk, not completely buying the relation.

"A stroke of luck, fate, whatever had me on the surgical floor checking on another patient. I saw Jay's name on the board and came looking for you. How are you guys doing?"

"Fine, I guess," Will spoke for the group, the other two nodding in confirmation.

"When did he start showing symptoms?"

"This morning when he got up, but things didn't really get bad till a couple hours ago."

"Well props for getting him here so quickly. I'm going to head in there and check on things. Sit tight guys." None of them spoke, just stared into nothing as she rose and headed for the exit.

"That's his oncologist," Adam remarked when she was out of sight?

"Oh not you too." Hailey laughed while Adam opened his mouth dumbfounded.

"What?! She's hot."

"Jay swears she's flirting."

"Yeah man, she is." Will moaned, scooping his hands to face and sitting back. Laughter filled the room for a brief moment, the ray of sun poking through the dark storm clouds. Their moment of relief was interrupted by Adam's phone ringing, shaking it towards the group and rising.

"I'm going to fill them in," he announced before exiting. Will looked to Hailey and made direct contact, a second to thank and understand.

"You did really well getting him here. Thank you."

"Yeah, that was terrifying. I haven't been that scared in…well…ever." Will held a hand out and she accepted, the act of kindness and support encouraging the waterworks out of her.

"He's going to be fine," Will encouraged. He had to say it, believe it even if the outcome wasn't guaranteed.

…

The alarm went off in the middle of a deep, dorky conversation between Hailey and Adam. Will hung in there for a bit, chatting about his day while hearing the redacted version of their morning. But it was during a belly aching joke over some recollection of Jay that the two detectives realized they were alone. Apparently the body of Will Halstead could only remain awake and alert for thirty hours. From there the waiting room was silent, the hum of the world outside the door the only constant tune. Adam busied himself with keeping everyone updated while remaining informed on the case, Hailey flipped through every magazine that was stacked high in the place. It was in the reading of a year old Pop Sugar one that they heard the tornado siren wail out of Will's pocket. The owner of the phone so much as turned the thing off before asking if anyone had come in, which his lackluster comments received small head shakes. Exhaustion took over once again, leaving Hailey and Adam to worry something terrible was happening somewhere in this hospital. Fifteen, twenty, half an hour later and still neither Rhodes nor Dr. Carter broke through with good news. The forty minute mark saw the waiting room door open, but it was the remainder of the unit, whose confident and cheery expressions dwindled at the single head shake. In this case no news was bad news, the fear thick enough to peel paint.

Two hours and twenty-seven minutes after Jay was pushed onto the elevator car, Rhodes and Dr. Carter returned together, nearly an hour after Will's alarm had chimed its' ghostly tune. Their mood was a mixed bag, some solemn, parts hopeful, but mostly informative. People sat higher in their chairs as the doctors approached, Adam jostling Will who looked around annoyed before figuring things out. To the ill-informed eye this looked to be a podium speech on a high profile figure's surgery, which was pretty much what was about to go down. Conner sat in the middle of the group, directly across from Will. Dr. Carter stood at the entrance of seats, as if she were a barrier to something.

"Well?" Conner clasped his hands, cradling them between his spaced legs before speaking.

"He's spleen free. Surgery went as well as can be expected given his situation. It certainly was swollen, Susan and I figured at least forty percent larger than normal and there were several cracks in the organ. Had you guys gotten him here another hour or two later and we may not be here right now." Will exhaled, completely. Beginning at the head and working to his toes, every fiber of him was relived, relaxed, satisfied this crazy morning had a terrific afternoon. Or so he thought.

"We also removed the port since he doesn't need it anymore," Susan included. They all turned to face her, silently celebrating this small but mighty victory for Jay.

"Well we know he'll be excited to not have to go through all that again," Will joked, most of them chuckling. Rhodes and Susan were silent, which squelched all joy out of the room. The story wasn't completely revealed.

"However," was all Rhodes had to say to plant Will's hand to his mouth. He was working five steps ahead, telling himself to not pass out or freak out. He'd heard and recited this speech a thousand times now, but this moment feeling like the first time all over again.

"When he was coming off the anesthesia he started breaking down. We'd just extubated him when his oxygen levels started dropping. We put him on a mask and his started choking, by the time he was on a cannula he was tight, nothing was moving. We had no choice but to re-intubate. Once we did that he returned to stable. Now it could be from the trauma or the cancer or a million other things, but right now he's not breathing on his own."

"Is there a possibility he could start again," Hailey asked?

"Certainly. We're going to keep him under the rest of the day and then try again tomorrow. His body needs a break right now, it's been through a lot these last few months. We'll see what happens tomorrow but we're both hopeful."

"He's where, the ICU," Will asked? Rhodes didn't bother mentioning that visitors would be kept to a minimum right now, or the fact that Jay was in the middle of a transfer, these people weren't going to let anything stand between them and their person.

"Yeah, he'll be there at least a couple of days, we'll go from there." Connor stood and the rest followed, Susan standing close to Will as they headed for the elevator. Will couldn't help but feel terrible for thinking this day was going to end anything other then terrible. Jay was in the middle of battling serious cancer and just suffered a terrible setback. If nothing else this day drove home how fallible his notion was that this journey they all were on would be straight and steady.

There's a reason family members are delayed in seeing their loved one after surgery. There's a reason family members aren't allowed to watch a surgery let alone operate on them, the sight is scary, ever engrained in the brain. While that person may recover and go on to live a life, it's hard to see them as anything but that fragile, lifeless, connected person in a hospital bed. The group arrived at Jay's room the very moment he was wheeled in for the first time. As they rounded the corner they made out the foot of the bed and sprinted, their happy or upbeat faces counter acting the overall mood of the ICU. However, when they all slid to the door those bright expression faded to worry, frightful for lack of better words. Jay hadn't made the switch from surgical candidate to ICU patient. For starters he wasn't connected to the ventilator just yet, the hand of a nurse pumping breaths into his body every three seconds. In addition the bag connected to the drainage tube in his side was nestled between a hand and the railing, its' reddish, yellow, clear hues doing absolutely nothing to convince people that Jay was recovering not suffering. The longer everyone stared the more things became striking.

Will was the first to break through the barrier of visitors, foregoing his role as family member and stepping into his care-taker habits. The last thing he and Jay would want was for people to see him in this way. So if he had to take on the transformation role, so be it. He started from the top by removing the surgical hair net, that being the most hopeful thing. It was a sign that something up there was needing to be protected, letting the world know that amongst the sea of damage life was springing up somewhere. The next to be dealt with was the tape on both eyes, requirements of surgery to keep the eyes moist. Will lifted the left eyelid ever so slightly, swallowing deep as he noticed the lifeless, dull greenish-blue hue to the eye. The lack of life behind them told Will that Jay wasn't here right now, off in some other form of life at the moment.

"Eye drops," he quietly asked a nurse who passed them off without hesitation. Will squirted two drops in each eye before carefully rubbing them into place. While he did this the vent was pushed into the room, Will moving further to the head of bed as the large device was plugged in, the ICU team timed the removal of the bag and insertion of the vent tube to the three seconds interval. Before long the whooshing and exhaling of the ventilator echoed in the room, its' calming yet startling noises telling everyone that there was a willing person in the broken body. From there the tape around the breathing tube was removed for a strap and holder, Will doing the courteous thing of applying vapor rub to Jay's lips while the others worked, all an effort to keep things hydrated. Will hooked the drainage tube's bag on the side of the bed before stepping back, concluding that this was the worst Jay had ever looked. Worse than the day he passed out on the district floor, far more terrible than his final day of chemo, this snapshot in time had won the award for scariest moment in the cancer journey.

"Can he hear us," Kim asked at the doorway, Will forgetting that they all were still there watching this disheartening scene play out.

"Maybe, we're not sure. But we assume they can." A nurse excused her way through the group, a surgical drape resting on a tray with medical instruments wrapped inside. Will closed his eyes, not looking forward to what was about to happen.

"Transfusion?"

"Yeah, lost enough that he needs two rounds." The drape was unwrapped like a present, revealing the world's worst gift. It was a large IV needle, tubing, anti-septic wash and a bag of blood, all things required for a central line in the neck. These things hurt and were uncomfortable to wear. In most cases the patient is sedated or given a local anesthetic, but with Jay sedated the procedure went onward. Will grabbed a limp hand, squeezed as Jay's head was pushed to the right. That side of his neck was stained with the yellow wash before the IV was prepared. Will squeezed when the nurse counted down to zero, driving the needle into the skin.

"He moved his foot," Kevin pointed out, Will grunted in annoyance.

"He can feel it," which made them all quietly gasp.

"Just hang in there, Jay. It's almost done." He ran his fingertips along Jay's forearm, not watching the rest of the procedure. Minutes later instrumental blood was saving Jay's depleted system, acting as the green light for the rest of the watch party to head in. Will stood in the back as they all took Jay in, making quiet yet assertive comments. They all didn't know what to say, or feared Jay would hear them panicking over him. Voight was the first to leave, waving his ringing phone at everyone as he stepped out. Will only heard clips of the conversation, but the tone of Voight's voice wasn't good. It appeared the federal government didn't allow for team members to take time off of a case. Voight waved to Will to come and he quickly obliged.

"FBI wants us to fly out in the next couple of hours. I tried to push them off but the thing is.."

"-No, it's fine. Go do your thing. I know Jay wouldn't want you guys sitting around for him." Voight placed a hand on Will's shoulder, his best attempt at being affectionate.

"I'm sorry, Will." There were so many meanings behind that short remark, Will getting them all.

"Where are you guys headed?"

"New York. At least for now. There's a possibility we could end up in Atlanta before this whole thing is over."

"Man, this is a big one."

"Yeah. Jay…he would really.."

"-Don't worry about it. He'll get it. I've got him. You guys go do what you do best."

"I'm going to keep Hailey here with you two, just in case you need help."

"Ok, yeah that's fine. Thanks." The two of them rejoined the group, Voight standing at Jay's bed before calling everyone out. Will took a side of Jay's bed and grabbed a hand, thanking him or sticking around this long and gently scolding him for making a routine surgery difficult. A few minutes later only Hailey returned, wiping under her eyes as she took the free side of Jay.

"That whole thing about cell phones messing with hospital equipment is a farce, right?"

"Yeah, completely," Will chuckled. Hailey nodded as she scooped up her phone, soon standing to place the device on Jay's pillow close to his ear. The sound of a piano rang out as she returned to her seat, Will smirking at this unofficial tradition of serenading Jay with random music. It was at the chorus that it all clicked.

"Just take a breath, love. Fill your lungs up. Rest your head love, there's no sense in losing sleep…you're not losing me."

"Too literal," Hailey asked?

"No, it's perfect," Will replied. The song was called 'Losing Me' by Gabrielle Aplin and JP Cooper and it was the piano version. It was a sensational, calming, deep song that was all about telling someone they weren't alone. That no matter who they were or what they were going through they were not alone, because the writer of the song was never going to leave. Hailey utilized the song to tell Jay to just breathe, fight, because she would be there on the other side, ready for the next obstacle. But more than anything she wanted the message to be reciprocated her way.

**So because we didn't have a song the last chapter you got two in this one! I warned of this challenge. How are we all doing? Next chapter will be better, more hopeful than this one. Stay tuned!**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11- View From the Other Side

**I do apologize for the lengthy delay in posting this. Panic attacks are no joke and they consumed a good part of my life the last couple of weeks. It's not something that I can write through and I needed to take some time to work on myself. Again, I do apologize for the delay. I'm warning you guys now, this is going to be a big chapter. We're going to see a lot of things happen and some questions or unaddressed points completed. This one is going to see a lot of Jay in the hospital before we have a tiny time jump before getting back on track with things. Let's get this going.**

The name of the game was choking and gagging, which is the worst game in the world to play. However, when you're intubated, sedated, in the ICU, and recovering from major surgery, it's the most exciting thing on earth. It was late in the afternoon by the time everything was situated and late at night when it all sunk in. The time gap in between Hailey and Will talked, sat in silence, stared into nothing, and slept for a time. Throughout the day Jay was checked, observed, and analyzed as if he were a medical mystery. Dr. Carter came in at the end of her shift, sitting with the three of them and going over possible outcomes for treatment. The best idea was that Jay gets back to radiation in ten days, giving him enough time get discharged and rest at home for a bit. With the spleen now gone there wasn't a need to radiate in that area and plus he was required to lie down. It depended on how this stint in the ICU went and how well he did at home. For the immediate future cancer was taking the back seat, getting Jay to breathe on his own and function at normal people levels was crucial. If nothing else this day proved that Jay did have a breaking point, a level where things started shutting down. As scary and uncertain it all was this day became a measuring stick, a marker to never hit again. Which brought them to the worst case situation, delaying treatment till the standard six week mark for a splenectomy. Will didn't see Jay needing that long and Hailey argued he wouldn't want to delay treatment any longer than it already had to be. Dr. Carter concurred with both of them. Her cheery disposition and encouraging chat made things better and far less daunting, which is a feat for three people residing on an ICU floor. They hated to see her go, but the promise of future plans was worth it. Just the act of thinking ahead made them all believe Jay's setback would be temporary.

Connor conducted the first two post-op check ins, a rarity for him. It just proved how invested in Jay's case he was and that he wanted him to pull through. While Will and Hailey talked about cancer with the oncologist, most of their discussions with Connor dealt with the medical side of things. He said the goal was for Jay to make it through the night without losing anymore oxygen in his blood. At the moment he was hovering in the high 80s, by the morning he hoped for him to be in the lows 90s, the threshold for lifted the sedation and letting Jay fly solo in a way. If he didn't fight the vent during the night no one was going to panic, it was about seeing sunlight poke through the windows. T-minus ten hours till that happened. With all the discussions that remained of the day Will and Hailey joked that Jay was probably sick of them. On top of the fact he hated being the center of a conversation, the last thing he wanted to hear was medical jargon and random numbers thrown over him. So when they talked to him and got nothing they giggled, rolled their eyes at how upset and stubborn Jay was. Laughter and light heartedness was the only way to swallow the bitterness and sharp flavor of residing on this dark, heavy, and challenging floor. To each his own, but they chose joy instead of fear and quite honestly its' what got them through that long night.

They both slept well that night, the exhaustion and wave-like sound in the room acting as white noise, a device to encourage sleep to all who heard it. None of them stirred when the check-ins and blood draws were conducted, Jay was considerate and didn't change a bit throughout the night. It was six in the morning when Will checked back in with the world, squinting at the light change in the room.

"Hailey," he called to the other side. His face as lit up like a Christmas tree, delighted to see the orange hues dance along the wall. Before long she rolled over, her perturbed face changing when she figured out why she was being called.

"He made it to sunrise." She sleepily smirked as Will seriously nodded back at her. It was at this point Will figured out that he hadn't bathed in two days and hadn't eaten in almost half the time. Without announcing he rose, headed for the door before turning to ask Hailey her coffee order, which she gave without hesitation. With the promise of returning before too long Will disappeared, finally leaving the two of them alone at last. Hailey got up from her chair and sat as high up on the bed as she could. Looking at Jay now it was amazing to see the difference a few hours had made. He looked more present, asleep-like than yesterday afternoon. If he were a computer Hailey figured he was about seventy percent downloaded. Jay wasn't all the way back in the world but was certainly on the way. He was connected to so many things, arms littered with cords, IVs, and things Hailey didn't understand but knew they all were doing something. Taking his right hand she brought it to her lips, just running it against her skin for comfort. She knew a kiss wouldn't bring him back and a gesture like that was very out of character, but just to feel him close to her lifted everything in and around the room. The commotion of talking and walking had her flying back in her seat, doing her best impression of being unenthused as Rhodes and a couple nurses waved to her from the door.

"Good morning," Conner whisper, Hailey nodded in reply.

"How's he looking?" Rhodes worked his way to the front of the bed, staring at the monitors above Jay and muttering. Hailey figured it was him thinking aloud rather than trying to communicate with her. After a thorough listening to the chest and adjustments of the oximeters on fingers Rhodes nodded, turning to face Hailey.

"I think he's ready to try." She didn't get up but didn't ever lose sight of her partner. It began with a massive syringe being screwed into an IV port, Rhodes documenting the time as he gradually, sloth-speed pushed its' contents into Jay's system. From there the ventilator was adjusted to some specific speed and flow rate, the group holding their breath as they waited for Jay to exhale. Silence seemed to last for decades, but in real time it was six seconds. There was nothing and then everything. It was like Jay was holding his breath to scare them, finally letting go and concluding his joke on them. The stubborn one had emerged from the cliff's edge once again. Hailey clapped the tips of her fingers together while Rhodes cocked his head and laughed.

"Alright, keep him on that rate for another hour and then we'll drop it down a little bit more."

"So when do we think he'll wake up."

"It could be anytime. A couple hours, the end of the day. Now it's about the sedatives leaving his system and everything kicking back in. Everyone's different at this stage."

"Well he's definitely not a morning person so it'll be awhile," Hailey joked.

"Oh really?!" Hailey rolled her eyes. There are three certain things in this world: death, taxes, and Jay Halstead not wanting to rise before noon.

…

The white light was there, filling every part of the viewfinder with nothing else to escape to. He found this rather odd since he was pretty sure this wasn't supposed to be happening at this point in time. No one ever mentioned the life or death aspect of the operation nor did it appear that he was anywhere near that stage of things. He was in trouble but able to be saved, just the removal of some organ standing in his path to healthiness. So to have this coming-to-God moment, his entrance at the end of things was surprising, unexpected, and albeit scary. His best and only defense was to blink, hope that that would solve everything. It was in the act that the white light of the end time made sense.

"Jay, can you hear me?" The voice was certainly Will's and the tone of it told him something had happened. What exactly Jay wasn't sure of, but the high pitched relief and excitement in the question told him things didn't go as swimmingly as hoped. Jay blinked again, opening his eyes the second time to see the white light gone and great discomfort taking its' place. People were standing around him, his body lying flat and was sore. One person had what looked like a pen but with light at the end, his white light aura. The more he looked the more he took in. Weird shaped screens were above his head while glass, walls, and ceiling tiles decorated the background. It felt as if a great amount of time had passed, that he'd slept the year away or something. His whole body was stiff, soreness taking the place of the pain spot from his previous conscious moments, but the thing that stuck out the most was the thing inside of him. Because of it he couldn't see below his nose and speaking was out of the question. The forcefulness of the contraption hurt and his throat was severely sore. Trying to communicate all this with the world only got him gasping for air around the large mystery object in him.

"Jay, just let it breath for you. You've got to stay on it for a little longer." Jay forewent staring around the room and took up glaring at the people around him. He was struggling and they weren't doing anything which really ticked him off. Before connecting the act Jay's hand made it's way up to his mouth, flopping fingers around till he had a firm grip on the breathing tube. A stern yank had the pain level spiking and the device not budging. What was once calm and under supervision was becoming a bit out of hand.

"Get Rhodes," Will asked Hailey and she didn't hesitate, was out the door by the time Will got a hold of Jay's flailing hands. The eyes were still distant, hazed over from what was still floating in him. But the fact they were making contact with him was enough for now.

"Jay, you cannot pull that out. Rhodes is coming to take it out, alright?" Jay did his best to nod, but wound up gagging.

"Let's work on eye blinks." Jay responded with a single blink, which Will was beyond proud of. Will unplugged the vent's hose from the breathing tube, keeping his hands on Jay's before walking him through things.

"Ok, this will help till he gets this out. Follow what I'm doing. Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale." Will did this several more times till Jay got in on it. At first he was skeptical, scrunching his face and raising an eyebrow as his brother taught him the most simple of tasks. But by the time Hailey returned with Connor the two of them were totally and perfectly in sync.

"Well, you were right about the late rising time," he joked, scooting past the chairs and people to attend to his patient.

"Ready to get that out," Jay blinked once.

"Good! Do you want to try swallowing when we take it out? I can get you ice water." Again, Jay blinked his response which had a nurse venturing down the hall for a large glass of liquid. Connor removed the velcro strap around the tube and pulled off the plastic piece that held things in place. From there it was screwing the syringe into the small line inside the tube before the final steps were presented.

"Ok, I'm going to deflate the balloon and then pull it out. Blow out as hard as you can. If you see blood don't panic, it's from the surgery and throwing up before you got here. Ready?" Will grabbed for a hand as the syringe removed the air from the balloon. Soon Jay was pushing and gagging as the tube came out. The blood stained tube slowly yet steadily made its' way out, none of them admitting to be a little freaked out by the amount of red staining. Once he was free of the thing excess spit was suctioned out and numbing spray was misted down the back of his throat. A cannula was tucked under his nose and behind his ears before things died down. The whole thing took a minute tops and soon breathing tube free Jay was revealed to the world, looking around quite clueless and in need of answers.

"Don't talk for a couple minutes. Let the numbing spray sit on there for another five, ten minutes before drinking. How's the pain level, do you need any meds for it?" Jay shook his head, resting on the pillow as the room filed out. Hailey looked to Will and the two of them mentally sighed a massive relief. Jay was fully back in the world and it was splendid. True to his character, Jay wasted no in time in breaking the rules.

"I need to get up."

"No talking!" Jay rolled his eyes, working himself up a couple of inches before wincing from the drainage tube and suturing on his stomach.

"Whoa, hold on," Will replied. There was no stopping him at this point and the last thing he needed was torn stitches. Will placed a hand behind his back and slowly pulled him upright. From there IV lines, drain tube, cannula line, and monitor leads were pulled aways out of their hiding spots, giving Jay more reign to move around.

"Dude, you were just extubated you're not walking around," Will said as Jay pulled back the sheets, forever marveling and sighing over the stamina of Jay Halstead.

"I just want to sit on the edge," the drugged, scratchy, tired voice responded. Will helped him work his way to the perfect spot, Hailey rounding to the correct side and handed off the massive jug of water. They watched as Jay gently swung his legs off the side of the bed, slurped his water through the straw and coughed on the act. If anything he looked like a little kid and the two of them couldn't help but laugh. Jay was a mess but a good, humorous one in this case.

"What happened," Jay asked when they died down.

"The surgery went well. Everything is removed and fine."

"What time is it?" Hailey looked down at her phone before responding.

"5:17pm, the next day." Jay's eyes went wide on that part. He slept an entire day away and wasn't even aware of it.

"Next day?"

"Well, while the surgery itself went well when they were taking you off the anesthesia you stopped breathing and they had to re-intubate you and keep you unconscious overnight." Jay nodded before taking another sip. While the news was unsettling there was nothing he could do. Whatever happened occurred and now he was better, nothing else mattered.

"But the good news is that you don't have the port anymore," Will slipped in. Jay ran a hand over his chest and didn't find the bump he'd come to know and hate. In an instant the splenectomy wasn't so bad after all.

"That's good, right? Means I don't need it anymore."

"Yeah, it's great news."

"So how long do I have to be stuck here?" Ah, there was the line they'd all been waiting for.

"You'll be here for a couple days before being moved to a regular room for another couple of days before going home. So by the weekend you'll be home."

"Sweet."

"Jay, you went through a lot yesterday and they need to make sure things are fine." Jay shrugged, couldn't fathom why he was not allowed to do the recovery at home. He missed his bed, his clothing, the smell of his place and hated being away from work. That's when the lightbulb went off.

"Oh no, the case." Will looked to Hailey for that one, passing off the reporting duties to her.

"They flew to New York after the surgery. It's just us left here. Last I heard they were making really great progress." Jay looked up to Hailey before looking around the room, still a little surprised at where they found themselves. Unlike the rest of the waiting party Jay didn't have time to acquaint himself with things. His descent from the heavens of the FBI to being wheeled into surgery was in the time span of ninety minutes. Within that time he was in an immense amount of pain and shock before being medically unconscious for the foreseeable future. When one thinks about it that way life was very much chaotic for Jay. It was a lot of digest and would require time to adjust, but here they were on the other side of it all, somewhat. At least they were on the cliff's edge of the other side.

"You alright," Will asked, seeming to be yanking Jay out of his spiraling mind.

"Yeah. Where is the spleen supposed to be anyway?"

"Well, yours is gone," he joked.

"So funny, where was it?" Will pointed to just under his rib cage, making a line on his left side. Jay nodded, satisfied with the very vague lesson on the human anatomy.

"So what does this do for treatment?"

"Susan said it'll be at least a week. We'll see how you're doing at that point and then start to figure things out from there. You kind of hit a wall yesterday and we don't want that happening again."

"Okay." This was response was an odd one coming from Jay, a willing submission to things. In the past he would've rebuked or said that he'd be fine. But this ease at which he agreed with things proved that he too realized he went too far. While his intentions were good and his slow return to normal was approved, he had to remember he was still fighting. So this new, relaxed, going with the plan Jay was both refreshing and proving the change that was happening inside.

"Sorry guys, I put us all in a bad spot."

"That is so not true. This stuff happens and now it's getting better."

"You've got to be in pain by now," Will remarked, which had Jay laughing before doing his best to sit higher up.

"Yeah, maybe." Will escorted Jay back to a normal position and tucked a couple more pillows behind him. The three of them enjoyed an evening of Amazon Prime and hospital food, laughing, discussing, and just loving the ability to be with each other. It was the moment they needed, the moment where true recovery could begin.

…

"I'm walking to the next place."

"Jay, seriously?!" The ever stubborn one nodded his head, rather gingerly and slowly rising from the edge on the bed. It had been three days since the surgery and two days since Jay woke up. The last couple of days had been normal, for the most part. Jay was still under heavy surveillance requiring continuous air tank refills, but he was conscious and talkative and asking to leaving, so things were just fine. Today was moving day, the transition from the ICU to a regular room, the last stop before freedom. Yesterday Jay kept wondering why he couldn't leave and do the recovery in another regular room, his room at home. At first he was ignored, but by the fifth or sixth question Will wanted to strangle him. He couldn't understand why Jay didn't see how bad off he was a few days ago and how the body still needed some help before it could become entirely independent. It was the ever mysterious thing about Jay, nothing seemed to phase him. As long as he was breathing and awake then he was fine.

"I may have stopped breathing for a moment a couple of days ago.."

"-More like a few hours you decided to not know how to do it," Will butted in. Jay just glared, rolling his eyes before continuing.

"But the rest of me is perfectly capable to doing things. I'm walking down there."

"Fine," Will huffed, realizing he was never going to win this one. He watched as Jay stood on his feet and took a couple steps towards the door. Will busied himself with collecting personal items, but couldn't help but marvel at how far Jay had come in such a short amount of time. He still had all the IV ports in his arms and neck, those wouldn't leave till discharge, but he looked so…alive. He was happy, content, moving, just being. The event of the last few days really shifted things. The more time went between that day and a current moment, it was easy to slip into fear and amazement. Jay was close to dying, no longer being on this earth. Coincidences and sheer luck are what put both of them in this place at that moment in time. The organ could've completely ruptured on the way to Med, Rhodes could've missed something and allowed Jay to continually bleed internally, or worse, the body could've kept shutting down. Couple all of this with the very real, obvious truth that Jay was still fighting a demon internally and it was incredible the guy was still able to get up out of bed. While he would never agree with it, he was the definition of resiliency. Will wanted to cry, hug his brother as he continued to watch him take that next wobbly step to the next unknown, but instead chose to look away and keep doing his task.

"Oh shit," Jay mumbled as he rested against the doorway, gingerly placing a hand on his spleen free side.

"What?" Will dropped all bags where he was and headed over.

"I think something snapped." Jay pulled the scrubs he was wearing away, revealing the latest gauze pads, bruising, and blood. Will ever so slowly pulled the tape and gauze pad away, thoroughly inspecting the freshly sutured skin from where the drainage tube was an hour ago. It's removal was an event in and of itself, both brothers glad that uncomfortable and terrible task was behind them. When nothing obvious stood out Will put things back where they belonged and stood up.

"It all looks fine. Probably just the tape moving on the skin. Which is why you shouldn't be walking around."

"Shut up," Jay replied, smacking his brother before moving to the side to allow him to move by. The two of them stared at the empty room for a moment, noting the lifelessness aspect to it now, grateful that Jay's essence was no longer residing here.

"It's so weird that I don't remember coming in here."

"Well you were heavily sedated so it's pretty understandable."

"Yeah, it's still weird." Will was the first to look towards the person next to him, Jay shrugging before turning to head out.

"At least you'll remember leaving. Which is a big thing that not a lot of people get to say."

"Yeah, let's get out of here." Jay took the lead, saying farewell and thank you to hospital staff when they passed and was the first to really hit the elevator button. Will was always a step behind, ready to grab Jay when his body finally told him he'd done enough. There were a couple moments where he temporarily paused, but for the most part things went along just swimmingly. It was on the brief elevator ride down two floors that Jay rested against the railing, breathing out through his mouth and bent over just a tad. Will offered assistance but Jay refused, returning to the conviction that he had every intention of making it to the next place on his own. When the elevator stopped Jay resumed his position in the front, only hesitating when another round of checking in and donning another hospital band took place. It wasn't like checking into a hotel, but pretty close. Several documents had to be signed and a room number was given before the two of them were shown to the room. Apparently the trek from the ICU was on the brink of what Jay could handle because by the time they entered the room there was very little Jay could do to stay awake. As IV lines were reunited with their ports he couldn't stop yawning, rolled to the injury free side as he quickly dozed off.

"When did Hailey say she was coming?"

"Sometime tonight."

"She better bring food," were his final words before the soft snoring kicked in. Will rolled his eyes and chuckled as he watch the brother collapse under the confinements of exhaustion. He would never learn things the easy way.

Jay's wish was granted. Reopening the eyes showed that time had passed. The room's natural light was exchanged for uber sharp, sun bathing strength of florescent lights. The world outside the room was calm, further proof that the day was winding down, or had been settling for quite some time. The thing that sealed the deal was the large clock above the room's doorway, revealing it to be 7:37 at night. A quick calculation told he'd been asleep for five hours. Perhaps Will was correct about the whole recovery process, but he'd never admit it. As he continued to blink himself awake, the rest of him kicked back in. Sheets rubbed against his skin while the chilliness of the IV lines gave him goosebumps. The ears detected a conversation of the whispering nature, probably a move to keep him asleep. He could only make out parts of words but figured out it was Will and Hailey. It was time to roll over to lift their whispering ban.

"I swear it's harder to get in a prison than here. Not even the ICU was this hard to get through."

"Well you never left and came back up there."

"True."

"Hey, guys." Both Will and Hailey looked over at the same time, both having faces that were way too happy, not necessary for a lengthy nap.

"Hey! You're up!" Jay just nodded, too shook by their overly happy selves to reply. He maneuvered himself to a sitting up position, adjusting IV lines and rubbing his eyes to further wake himself up.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," Jay half shot back. This was the number one question he got since waking up, or the last several months actually, and he was really beginning to hate it.

"Well this will make you feel better," Hailey commented as she plopped three bulging bags of food on the bed. Jay's mouth dropped open.

"Burgers?"

"And cheese fries." Hailey handed a bags off to their intended person and none of them hesitated, both thanking her with stuffed faces. It had been days since they tasted from the great outdoors and they weren't totally aware of how much they missed it.

"You're welcome," she replied, laughing at their hilarious antics. It was like watching a five year old eat birthday cake. For the next several minutes the room was filled with chewing, biting, and swallowing. No one spoke, just looked to the other and chuckled at how ridiculous they all were acting. But it was Jay to finally break things up, ask about normal life while Hailey downed a large gulp of shake.

"So what's happening with the case?" The reason Hailey wasn't with them earlier in the day was that she had to work. With the entire team in New York she became the only contact for home base. Everyone knew what was going on with Jay and understood that Hailey wanted to be at the hospital, but duty called. So she and Trudy spent most of the day stuck up in Intelligence, researching and compiling things for the rest of them.

"Platt and I spent all day looking over tweets and comparing them to cases in New York and incidents here. Certain words were sometimes used and similar ideas or political stances were utilized, but the puzzle is still a bit of a mystery."

"What are they getting in New York?" Hailey's face perked up a bit.

"Why don't we call them! I need to check in with them and I'm sure they'd like to see you. Oh, and Platt just texted that she's pulling up. Will be here in a couple minutes."

"Tell her to go around to the doctor's entrance. I'll meet her there and bring her up so she doesn't have to go through the hoops like you did," Will spoke. Hailey nodded as she typed, moving out of the way for Will to race to his destination. It was awkward for a brief moment, Hailey suddenly feeling like she couldn't say or do much around Jay. There was this wall, or thing that stood in their way. This invisible thing that kept things the way they were. Perhaps it was timing or both just off in their own thing, or the big C thing in Jay's life, but they couldn't do anything. Both of them recognizing this. But Hailey felt what she did a few days ago, and still wanted that ultimate goal, but she didn't know if Jay did. Now seeing him awake and on the other side it felt weird, like she was holding back a secret from him which was a first. Jay picked up on her wondering thoughts right away, chuckling as he looked over towards her.

"What? You ok?" It was so fun to turn the tables on that one.

"Yeah, it's just.."

"-I know," he interrupted.

"Um, I don't think you totally do." Her voice trailed off, eyes locking with his. He was so weak and drugged and different right now, but she knew under it all it was still him.

"I do and I know." Was he really spilling his deepest, darkest secrets right now? Was he talking about today, this last week, what could be in store? Who knew, but Hailey just nodded, returning to her shake as she dug into her bag for her laptop. It was the dance they kept repeating right now: hinting at things but never acting. It worked, even if both weren't totally thrilled with it.

"Are we FaceTiming?" Hailey nodded.

"If you're fine with it."

"Yeah! I don't care." Hailey rose and aimlessly walked around the room, trying to make Jay figure out where her intended finish line was; and he did rather perfectly.

"Here, put it on the end of the bed and the rest of us will sit."

"Are you sure," Hailey coyly asked? She really wanted to sell things.

"Yeah," Jay replied as he brought his legs closer to himself. Hailey placed the computer in it's spot before stacking pillows behind Jay, wary of the fact one side of him was still sensitive. By the time things were in place Will returned with Trudy, her relived and joyous face marching right over to Jay and hugging him for a long time. She'd whisper something in his hear and he'd reply with a laugh and yes or no response. Their budding friendship was something to behold and protect. It was only when Voight picked up on Hailey's FaceTime call that everyone got situated and focused on the task at hand.

"And…we're connected!" What greeted Chicago was a jam packed screen full of people. All of Intelligence, several members of the FBI, and even a couple detectives from NYPD made an appearance, all of them elated to see the people on the other end of the call.

"Hey! How are things?" They all knew what Voight was talking about, Trudy and Hailey turning to give Jay direct access to the question.

"Good, a lot better then a couple days ago. How's New York?"

"Freezing, raining, normal for a cold spring. You look good, Jay."

"Thanks."

"So, if nothing else this case has made me never want to join Twitter. Hailey and I went through hundreds of thousands of tweets and came up with some key words or phrases that seemed to coincide with incidents. The words 'coalition,' 'security,' and 'deplorable,' shot up in usage and stress either one to three days before a kidnapping or break in. The most common phrase was 'on the other side,' but would always be paired with a different context. For example one tweet would talk about the other side of an election while the other meant another side of an argument or debate. But these words would fairly consistently be used before things took place." Voight nodded, looking at something off camera before returning to Chicago.

"Well we've figured out the server is based here. Whether it's a room full of computers or a bunch of people hanging out at a coffee shop, the hub seems to be here in the city. The times of the tweets and rate of activity suggests an east coast town and while the locations of the tweets are all over, the most frequent city they run through is here."

"So what about Atlanta," Jay asked.

"Why is that still a high profile place for this case."

"Because the head of it could be there. With the strong uptick in people from the Northeast moving there, it could very likely be the society was started and run here but the person calling the shots is down there. We're still working on it."

"Like a Trojan Horse scenario."

"In a way yes."

"What about usernames?" Hailey turned to face Jay, encouraged by his addition to the brainstorming.

"We can look into that. What do you mean? Date they were created?"

"No, like actual names. Are there any similarities. Also, why aren't we getting Twitter to help us out?"

"You want to fight them? We're in the process of working on taking them to court over this. They won't give up personal information on its' users."

"I mean, I've got nothing else to do," Jay replied, which earned him some laughs. It was at this point the nurse apologetically stuck her head in the room, alerting everyone it was well past visiting hours. They all promised to head out, wrapping up the conversation as Hailey slowly closed the computer screen.

"Start looking into usernames. We're combing through possible buildings and networks. We're making headway, guys."

"Sounds good! We'll check in soon." By that point Hailey had completely hung up, turning to face Jay and dish out a goodby hug.

"Can you just sneak me out of here," he jokingly begged.

"Not a chance," she replied, smacking his back before taking off. Trudy followed the pattern, aside from the slapping session. Will helped adjust things in bed before turning to himself. Jay watched till both women disappeared down the hall and through the big, swinging doors. Being injured and sick really sucked. Life was moving on without him and he was sick and tied of sitting on the sidelines.

…

Sleep did not come to either of them the night before Jay's discharge. Jay's inability to sleep was understandable. After two days of sleeping, walking, stupid breathing exercises, and pestering Will and the staff on his departure, his moment to re-enter the world was less than twelve hours away. He swore he'd forgotten the sharp crispness of the air, the ebbs and flows of the city dwindling from the very fabric of his nature. The last time he stepped into fresh, free air he was constricted by pain, limited to just inhaling and doing his best to not die. He didn't care if he was reemerging slightly less of a person than before, he just wanted out of the confines of a hospital. So as he gingerly tossed and turned that evening his excitement acted as a blinder for seeing Will.

Will was unable to sleep for deeper, albeit darker reasons. The phrase Jay told him kept ringing in his head. Whenever his mind wasn't stuffed with stats and flow reads and keeping Jay entertained, he kept going back to that final message. What did Jay go through that he didn't want him to endure? What page of Jay's history hadn't been revealed to the world yet? Would he ever tell him? For close to a week Will looked at his brother and had the speech right there, ready to spill out. But each instance fear or an audience kept him at bay. But now, when things were calm and on the precipice of changing yet again, he couldn't take another pondering moment. As he listen to Jay adjust the sheets for the billionth time, Will sat up and stared right at the back of Jay's head. Inhaling and closing his eyes, Will began.

"Jay."

"What," his doting brother grunted.

"What did you mean by you didn't want me to go through what you did?" Jay's whole body went stiff, a moment of complete stillness in the room before Jay sighed, rolling onto his back before speaking.

"You've been mulling over that one this whole time?"

"Well yeah."

"Will, there was a lot going on that day and I was on a lot of stuff and in shock, right?"

"True. But you were pretty coherent when you said it. And the way you said it suggested you knew full well what you were saying." Jay groaned, realizing he wasn't going to get out of this one. This was an odd moment, Will being the stubborn one while he was the one trying to sway things his way.

"Was it about Mom," Will eventually, quietly asked.

"Yeah." This was like pulling teeth, Will mentally concluded. Serious egging and poking was going to get all of this out.

"And?! C'mon Jay just let someone in for once."

"You already know what happened."

"Jay, I hope know what happened based on what I've been told. I wasn't there at the end like you were, so I don't know everything. What. Happened." Will rose from his bed, turning the lights up to a shallow dim before sitting at the end of Jay's bed. Will told himself he wasn't moving till things were slipped out. Jay seemed to get that vibe as well.

"I was there, at the very end. Mom had gotten progressively worse. The cancer had spread from breast to lung cancer. She couldn't breathe, was on an oxygen tank and mask for most the last month. A week before she passed she was admitted to the hospital. During one of her treatments she passed out, lips were blue and she couldn't breathe. Dad was working so I was with her when this all happened. She was so weak, so unable to do the most basic of things. By the time they got her breathing again she was on her way to the hospital. She cried, begged to just be sent home but she was below a certain level that they couldn't release her." Jay paused, sitting further up in bed as he sniffed, clearly trying to not cry or show any hint of emotion.

"It was a lot, especially since I didn't know anything at the time and was coming off all the stuff from Afghanistan. I just sat back and hoped for the best, swore that things would get better when we all knew she was terminal. Once she was admitted they put her on a bunch of drugs and breathing assistance and she became pretty out of it. She slept a lot and the times she was up would say random things, or just stare and be unresponsive. We have this vision of Mom being tough, strong, and able to do and settle anything yet right at the end she was the exact opposite. It was scary, something that you never forget. The day before she was put on the vent she told me she wished I wasn't there. At first I was a little upset by that but now, being here and having to go through a lot of what she experienced, I totally get it. I don't want you to watch me die like that, slowly losing control of everything. It's awful and something no one should ever have to endure." Will now wiped away the stray tear that had dripped down his cheek, a both upset and relieved to finally get this piece of information out of Jay. He was upset for not being there, living so much in himself that he didn't pick his ass up and head back home. But more than anything he was relieved to know Jay was there, a representative for the family when she needed someone most. Will wasn't sure where to go from there.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." Jay nodded, not losing his spot on the sheets somewhere between his lap and feet.

"So when all that happened this week I saw the writing on the wall. I had a great idea of where things would go and what would likely follow. I just didn't want you to experience what I did."

"Well fortunately…"

"Yeah. But who's to say it won't happen."

"Jay, you're not terminal."

"For now."

"Jay.."

"-How do we know this won't come back. It was already stage three when we found it the first time. What's to say it won't return far worse, or be some different kind of cancer altogether? Look at all that's happened already."

"First of all, why don't we look at all that's happened. Yes, it took you're spleen but that was already in the works. Let's examine how much of it is now gone, and how close you are to being in remission. You've come so far and done so well. Sure, there will always be the threat of it coming back, but the odds are really in you're favor." Jay nodded, looking around the room before allowing a small yawn to slip out.

"What time do we leave?"

"9AM," Will chuckled.

"Thanks for still fighting, man."

"Yeah, sure, I guess. Let's get to bed so we can get out of here." Will smirked, cocked his head as Jay sat back against the pillows. Deep emotions were never going to define his brother.

"What?!"

"Do you want to stay at my place this next week? It won't be as hard to get around as at your place."

"People are going to think something tragic has happened," Jay joked.

"Since when did you care what people thought?"

"I don't know," Jay shrugged. Will got up, grabbing a quick hug from his brother before plopping down on his makeshift bed. While Jay's road to recovery was only just beginning, one thing he knew for absolute certainty was that his brother would emerge just as stubborn and headstrong as always.

…

_One Week Later _

"So, how was the week?"

"Terrible," both brothers responded in unison. They were back in the office they'd come to know and understand oh so well. The frequency of sitting in this place had ramped to such a high status that the receptionist in the waiting room no longer asked who was checking in. One look at them and she nodded, pointing to a chair and telling them they'd be seen in a handful of minutes. It was a nice gesture and level of resonation until you understood the work behind the doors.

"Terrible? You both were given a week off, practically told to sit on the couch and watch television," Dr. Carter replied.

"Have you ever babysat a toddler recovering from major surgery? A great summary of our time together."

"Says the person who slept less then I did and actually went into work on the fifth day." Will gave Jay that glare, telling him if they were alone he'd smack him. Jay smirked in victory, enjoying the win once again. Certainly he annoyed Will about plenty of things during their week together, but at least he didn't cause anymore damage to himself, a massive win in the grand scheme of things.

"So do you feel up for treatment? Can you lie all the way down again?"

"Yeah," Jay totally fibbed. In actuality his left side was still rather tender. Despite most of the stitches having fallen out the ten inch incision it was still red and swollen, a sight that often convinced Jay his skin would open up. On top of things he hadn't been able to sit or rest without pillows to cushion him. That phase of things was about another week or so away, but the thought of delaying treatment for discomfort wasn't something Jay could get behind.

"Alright, then let's talk treatment. It's been almost two weeks since your last radiation session and a week since we did a PET scan. Considering that we no longer need to worry about radiating below the diaphragm I'd say we're about two weeks away from the final scans and status determination."

"And that's still doing it five times a day," Will butted in?

"Correct." Susan rotated her computer around so the brothers could examine what she had pulled up, Will's jaw dropping while Jay squinted at the screen quizzically.

"So the dark mass over here.."

"-Is where the spleen and cancer used to be. So since that part is gone as you can see a big chunk of the disease went along with it."

"So why not just take it out to begin with?"

"Well there are cases where that is necessary or a good course of treatment, but removing such a vital organ from the body isn't something I take lightly. My goal is to keep patients as whole as possible as much as possible." Jay nodded, satisfied with the answer and grateful to see such a dark void in his person.

"So the main parts left to focus on are the lymph nodes around the neck and a few spots on the armpit region, but things are looking really good."

"Two weeks."

"Yup, a sprint to the proverbial and hopeful finish line."

"When can we start?"

"Do you want to try it today?" Jay confidently and determinedly nodded. Susan rose from her chair, Will and Jay following suit. Each person looked to the other for that confidence, the unspoken conviction that they were so close to the goal.

"Well then, channeling a great inspiration of mine, let's git ur done!"

**If you guys have read my other stories you know what all went down after Jay got discharged from the hospital. He bugged Will. Will pestered him to do things by the book. It was a whole thing. So for this time I wanted to mix things up. We're coming down to the end of this little piece. Next chapter is going to be an exciting one! Hopefully it's arrival won't be as delayed as this one. Thank you so much for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Ashes

**We're coming down to the end of this story you guys! The music for these next two chapters are what anchored this whole thing. These were the inspirations for everything, song and story, that has preceded it. This chapter's song is titled ****_Ashes_**** by Celine Dion. It was recorded for the movie Deadpool 2. It's an absolutely stunning song and I encourage you to listen to it while you read this chapter. Or maybe before or after you've read this. Whatever works best, just listen to it! The message pairs so well with my intention for this entire story and was a big driving force for how things have transpired. It all comes down to this chapter, we've waited and hoped a long time for this one. Let's enjoy it together. **

"You're sure you want to do this?"

"Yes, it's fine. This won't take that long."

"Yeah but.."

"Hailey, I'm not going to miss it. But I'm also not leaving this unfinished." She epically rolled her eyes as the Intelligence gate buzzed itself free, watching as Jay jogged up the stairs. Yes, you read that correctly, he jogged up the stairs. The night and day difference from that day at the FBI building to now was very much night and day. Looking at him you'd have never guessed he was sick, let alone down something vital. He returned to work the day after treatment resumed. Granted he was still on desk duty for another few weeks, but he was jovial, eager, exuding energy which was a first in awhile. There were moments he had to rest or memory slips, but to the unsuspecting eye he was back to old ways, very much in line with his old self, which was the most incredible thing to witness.

It was odd, walking up the steps to nothing. There was the hum, this low level sound to the place. Typically it would be laughter or hushed voices that greeted you about halfway up, reaching the top rewarding you a chorus of greetings or friendly jabs at your time of arrival. But as had been the case for several weeks and months now, things weren't as they normally were. People, sounds, norms were not present. Whether it was a single person or a whole group of the being, Intelligence had gone their separate ways for a bit, working at half capacity and power. Now there was silence, this heavy feeling that life was no longer as it was, which was so true in a sense. No matter the outcome of this day, life had gone a different, altered course. Hailey watched as Jay walked towards the break room, examining everything as if he were at a crime scene or museum. He refused to touch things, disturb the setting and decor of others, but took the time to stand still, feel for that presence and grasp that people were once here. Furthermore, he felt that he was the reason for all this disruption, in a sense. He was the first domino, the beginning of all the changes. He was aware that the eternal case they were working on was entirely out of his control, but there was the smallest of voices that told him it was all a butterfly effect. That if he hadn't gotten sick and left for a bit, then none of what transpired after would've gone down. But of course this was guilt and other negative things talking, Jay shaking his head as he strolled into the break room. A copious amount of coffee would do wonders for his racing, darting, constant mind.

Hailey sat at her desk, grazing between computer screen and Jay. As much as she hated to admit this, it felt weird having Jay back at work. He'd changed, his life story had turned so unexpectedly, and here he was just back to doing things. As proud and excited for him as she was, there was this underlying feeling of oddness, strange quality to things. Perhaps it had to do with the whole emergency surgery thing, or the fact that he could've died countless times, or that he was still in metamorphosis, but things weren't quite right. Hailey hoped one day, preferably soon, that would all go away.

"He's pulling up around the back," Platt barked over the intercom at Hailey's desk. The sudden, loud, and booming level of noise had Hailey jumping high off the chair, every muscle of her being tensing and releasing in an instant. Jay must've caught her moment of surprise because you could pick up a snort from the other room as Hailey responded.

"Perfect, thanks. We'll be down there."

"Hank just texted from the airport. Flight is being delayed another hour so they won't be here till this afternoon. Does Jay know.."

"-Oh no, don't bring it up."

"Copy that." Hailey looked up to Jay resting against the doorway, coffee cup covering about half his face.

"He's here." Jay responded with a nod, just about throwing the cup in the sink before heading towards the back of the building. This one was a long time coming and more then anything he wanted to see the punk squirm. There was nothing better then coming out the other end a winner.

…

"Well don't you look different. What, were you dying of something last time we met?" It was very true, Jay had changed since the last meeting. The hair had returned enough to the point he wasn't embarrassed about it, ditched the cancer beanie around the time he left the hospital. His skin was pinker, fuller, wasn't dehydrated appearing anymore. The rest of the physique was going to take some time, but it was apparent to everyone, friend and foe, that Jay had changed. Now of course Jay didn't respond to the rather rude and uninformed comment, but rather stood and smirked in victory.

"So Jamie, you had us on a bit of a tailspin for quite some time. With your grand story of this undercover society and how you were just a small part of the whole thing, you thought you had us fooled there for a bit." Prison had not been kind to Jamie. The scrawny body was now littered with healing bruises and scrapes, evidence that the little punk couldn't keep his head down and mouth shut. Staring at him now Jay could clearly see the whole thing was an act, a method of boosting himself when in reality he was scared. It was both scary and oddly satisfying to see what life in prison does to an arrogant jerk like this. Jay moved into the cage with Jamie now, sitting on the bench with folder in hand, beyond antsy to spill its' contents.

"You thought you had us, probably smiling that we used a lot of time, effort, and resources. But our efforts finally paid off." Jay took out the first piece of evidence.

"NYU undergrad right?! Studied digital engineering? And just so happened to be around the time kidnappings and robberies began. This one I really like." Jay took out another piece of paper, a combination of numbers, letters, and special characters.

"This is an IP address. And this particular one belongs to a computer at the library on campus. It took some digging but it turns out you were allowed computer access around the time this first tweet was sent out, we have the sign off sheets from the librarian to prove it."

"That won't stand up in court," Jamie quickly spit back, which only made Jay revel in victory even more.

"On it's own, no. But when you add these to the mix that changes things." Jay went on to throw thirty, double sided papers stuffed with tweets and responses at the feet of Jamie.

"All of these coincide with your access on campus. Again, we have the sign-in sheets to back this. And then from there you went to coffee shops, random business along the Upper East Side, before the last IP address in the state of New York: JFK International. We figured out that was the day you moved from New York to Atlanta, starting a job with Xfinity. You went quiet for awhile, probably to get on good graces with the boss so that when things went missing, or you hacked their servers to hide your activity, no one would suspect you. See Jamie, you can try as hard as you want to convince us that your just a pawn in all of this, but the truth is is that you are the brains of this whole thing. Sure, you have a lot of other people out there doing your work while your inside, but it's all your idea." Hailey watched as Jay sat back, arms resting in his lap as they watched Jamie stammer, blurt out syllables and half words, trying to work his way out of the truth.

"You…you can't try me for this. That's double jeopardy," he eventually formulated.

"We arrested you for kidnapping. These are completely different charges." It was at this point Jay's phone buzzed in his pocket, signaling the end. Case was closed, verdict was in, everything about to change one way or the other. He looked to Hailey who nodded, inching further into the cage and beginning the processing of charging Jamie with his latest crimes. Jay rose and stepped back, watching the once cocky, arrogant person now crumble under the reality of his future. It was odd, watching a life's freedom and will come to an end. Furthermore it was so strange and poetic it was happening this day, yet another example of balance in the world. Jay stopped at the doorway for the steps, turning to face Hailey a final time. She was helping Jamie rise, synching his cuffs to his wrists as guards secured the ankle straps. It was on the trip from the cage to the armored van that she caught him staring, gave one of those signature nods that told him she was confident, behind him no matter. Jay returned with a shoulder shrug before jogging up the steps. He wasn't one to dwell long on things, nor was he great at farewells and changing of things. He was off to learn of the end, or beginning, however you want to see it.

…

The moment had arrived. The transition from category number two to the penultimate category three had finally come around. It was odd, getting excited for being in a high category, but Jay took it all in stride. He raced into the waiting room, signing in for the last time before taking his usual spot in the place, finding himself back in that weigh station for the thousandth time. He glanced around the room, the brain snapping a bajillion photos for the mental scrapbook, the day where everything came to a close. This moment was a long time coming, the thing that sometimes drove him to make it through the night, get past that next hurdle that was on the horizon. Unlike the previous times in this space, Jay actually enjoyed the music being played in the background. It was an instrumental of Rise Up, so perfect and obvious for a space like this. It took getting to this moment for everything to all click for Jay. This was the office's way to encouraging its' guests. While sometimes it was cheesy or felt inappropriate, the message was always the same: keep going because you can do it. Jay kicked himself for having to put himself through hell to finally comprehend that, but in the end all that mattered was that he got it.

The other thing Jay picked up on was the staging of other people in the room. The category one people were still so obvious to him, their worry of the uncertain future filling their eyes in the form of tears. They were ashamed, discouraged, in disbelief, but here with a single goal: looking for answers. Jay's heart went out to them, wishing he could reach over and tell them to just breathe, that in the immediate future life was going to be scary, but the end result was pride and satisfaction. But having just been in their shoes, the very last thing they wanted was a stranger talking to them. So instead Jay chose to point his head straight, eyes fixed on the door that held his results.

His seat neighbor was a young woman who Jay assumed to be in her early twenties, but the effects of treatment had her looking so much older. She wore the proper articles of clothing, the shielding of her problems to the world. She was slumped in the chair, her shoulder and head just inches from Jay. His peripheral told him there was an empty space next to her, indicating that she was alone in this; or at least for today. Jay mentally went out to her, feeling sad and empathy for her being there alone. If there was anything Jay learned through all of this it's that you cannot do it alone. The weight of it all was beyond the capability of one person, requiring a village to tackle the giant ambushing a single person. Which brought Jay's mind to his own situation, wondering where his stubborn and late brother was. He was mid reaching for a phone when his neighbor spoke up.

"Alone?" Jay glanced at her, deciding to answer truthfully or with a white lie. Eventually he pivoted his head side to side, giving her the 'sort of' response.

"For the moment. You?" His neighbor nodded her head.

"After it came back the third time people stopped checking in, asking if I needed help or rides to the doctor. It's the not-so-funny thing about cancer, it becomes engrained in the very fabric of life. You become the cancer person and that's that." Jay just stared at her, completely out of his element. Zero idea of where to go from there.

"I'm sorry, I'm throwing my venting on you. But we're both here so I figured you'd get the issue."

"Yeah," Jay chuckled, hoping that did something to boost her mood.

"So, what are you in for," she asked?

"Scan results."

"Oh, an easy day I suppose. What kind?" It was both funny and heartbreaking that she didn't have to finish that sentence, the two of them knowing the short hand of things.

"Lymphoma, stage three."

"Ah, so you've been through the gambit."

"Yeah, it's been a big adjustment." The neighbor laughed deeply, shutting her eyes as she leaned back.

"Tell me about it. Don't recall the last time I went on a date, let alone was spending Friday under several layers of sheets shivering." Her smile and laugh all too quickly faded to silence and daydreaming, Jay knowing that as the sign of lingering chemo.

"Do you want me to stay with you? I don't mind at all."

"No, don't be stupid. I'd never expect you to help a strange, sad, sick person like me."

"I really don't mind. As you've pointed out, we both know what's going on." Her mouth was opened, about to protest once again when the nurse called Jay's name. Suddenly he was in a crisis, completely split as to what to do next.

"Go, I'll be fine." After a moment of looks and silent apologies Jay rose, making that walk of shame and pride to the other side. He was in the doorway when his neighbor called him.

"Jay! Congratulations. You should be proud." It felt cruel, to be at the end and kissing this stage of life goodbye when others couldn't. It's a silly mindset to be in, one Jay never saw coming, but in a way he was guilty. Guilt-ridden for how fortunate he'd been when tens of millions of others weren't. He waved to her, nodded before the nurse closed the door. It was the last time Jay ever saw that woman in person, but she would become another angel that looked out for him.

…

"Where's the sidekick," Dr. Carter joked? Jay shrugged his shoulders as he sat in his unofficial designated seat.

"Some case came in a few minutes ago. Said he'll be up as soon as he could."

"We can wait for him."

"No, he insisted we keep things rolling." Dr. Carter took a moment to process, at some point nodding as she inched her computer closer to the middle of the desk, pulling things up as she spoke.

"So over the next couple of months you need to take things slow. While you may feel much better then you did during the chemo cycles, it's going to take quite some time before you truly feel like yourself again. Take a day off when you need to and don't give up on the extra fluids. Also no blood donations or blood thinners till a check-up six months from now."

"All of this sounds like…you know…that there will be some time between meetings." Susan beamed, giggling as she nodded, rotating the screen to reveal a series of scans of the body. Jay knew these things by heart, could find the markers in seconds at this point. Three out of the four he'd seen about a dozen times now, the one in the lower right hand corner a recent addition.

"This is the fun part of my job. After seven months of chemo, radiation, and one splenectomy, Jay Halstead you are in remission. The scan we did two weeks ago confirms." Jay leaned over, fingers meeting his lips are he stared in amazement. It was all dark and void, lacking in the glowing terror of cancer. He was better, healed, free, living, vindicated. Unlike the very first time he met this incredible doctor, Jay wanted to cry. Almost encouraged the tears to fall. But something made it all hang back, not allowing him this beautiful moment.

"You'll get scans every six months for the next year and a half, and then once a year after that. By year five if nothing returns then the odds of being in the clear really go up." Jay just nodded. He'd seen this situation play out in his head an exuberant number of times, but to hear this and be conscious, Jay was waiting for the alarm clock to go off. But it never did, the sweet sound of silence solidifying that this was all so very true.

"I'm not really sure what to say." Susan laughed.

"Well, this is it; the end of the ride. In joking fashion I hope we don't ever have to meet again like this." Jay looked up at her, accepting the last look she was giving him. One day he'd write this extraordinary woman an essay on how much she changed him, restored hope, guided him through the worst time of his life. She was the light in the dark times and exclamation point when things weren't looking up. She was everything you wanted out of a doctor and more, yet in the blink of an eye they were going their separate ways. It was like the end of a good movie, the two allies and comrades going down their own path, memories of old times the only connection between them. But in this very moment, all Jay could muddle out was a simple thank you. Susan returned with another nod and rising out of her chair, rounding the desk to hug Jay for a rather long moment. But then they split, both turning their backs and walking their designated trails. Jay's hand hesitated on the doorknob, realizing the other side was new, clean, healthy, and positive. He was scared, unsure, suddenly not ready to depart.

"It happens to everyone. You'll find your way," Susan responded over her computer, eyes not leaving whatever she was wrapped up in. The hand found strength, the body propelled itself out into the hallway before collapsing into the waiting arms of Will. This was the point in which Jay gave up, let it all out.

"What's wrong," Will nervously asked? His mind was adjusted to the negativity of cancer, readying himself for the bad news.

"It's over," Jay breathed into his shoulder.

"It's gone. And I wish Mom was here to see it." Will's body shook under the shock and realness of the comment, the two of them celebrating and mourning at the same time.

…

They were back at the place where it all truly began. Not the rooftop, but the other location, the spot in the city where the realization and final breath took place. Will knew it was exactly what Jay needed, the quietness of the spot would do wonders for his scared and guilt riddled mind. It wasn't uncommon for people to experience what Jay was going through. Why others got the key to the second act of life while others didn't would forever be a mystery this side of Heaven. While some may not understand how people affected by cancer could feel bad about being in remission, Will knew this was the true essence of Jay's being. His brother didn't want a leg up on people, didn't want to succeed on the fall of others. He was a helper, encourager, and hated being treated or acting different. So the fact his first thought was about others being less fortunate then himself didn't faze Will in the least. Through the months of torture and change it was his brother poking out the other side. He was both proud, relieved, and bursting with emotions over it all.

On the ride to the location Jay didn't speak, instead choosing to rest his elbow on the passenger door and gaze out the window. Spring was in full effect now, lagging rather behind with the rest of the country. While other areas of the great land were planning beach trips and donning flip flops and tank tops, the city of Chicago was just now putting away the snow shovels. Lighter jackets were being substituted for the heavy bulky ones. T-shirts wouldn't come for at least another couple of weeks, but at least people were beginning to resemble humans rather than marshmallow people. Jay smirked every now and then when they passed a snow truck being tucked away for the season, the sign that things were changing, returning to normal ways of life. Oh how perfect of an omen that was for himself. The big, scary, bulky contraptions that kept him alive and fighting had been put into storage now. Certainly a few things had to be transformed before he was entirely back to his relaxed, easy ways, but the worst was behind. Now it was about letting the sun in, perform its transfiguration on him. It took a bumpy ride for that to kick in and Jay soaked it all up, just starting the grateful aspect of the process. Every now and then Will would glance and catch a smirk or long exhale from Jay. It was beginning to set in.

As they got closer Jay figured things out. The city was becoming a backdrop for the destination, acting as a mural for that peaceful, quiet, currently tranquil location. Jay was appreciative to Will for choosing this location, completely knowing that he didn't want to return home or go to work or sit in some park. Only this place could provide what he sought: healing, reflection, perspective. The time between the car coming to a halt and Jay's shoes crunching against the snowy sand was seconds. The last snow storm of the season had wrapped up a couple days prior, leaving lingering white mounds of pureness on the ground. Jay stood in place as Will climbed out and locked the door, both of them walking in stride as they made their way to the unspoken final destination. Neither one of them spoke during the trek because too many things were happening around them. In another eight weeks or so this place would be maxed out with people, umbrellas, enough sun tan lotion to fill the lake, and a few million screaming voices. But for now the place was being prepared for that moment. Lifeguard stands were being re-assembled, sand being dragged and graded to level out the unevenness of the winter's havoc. People, objects, cars and trucks were scurrying up and down the Lakefront Trail, all of it too busy and focused to really notice the two men walking down the middle of it all. To the average person you'd think it was people getting in the way, not aware there was an erecting of sorts going on among those people, not aware of the return to glory that was going down with every step. It was a beautiful quietness, a snapshot of so many analogies and truths that one couldn't help but shed a tear. Out of the ashes of strife, destruction, and calamity life was re-emerging.

…

"I truly believed this was the ocean for way longer then I should have," was the first thing to gently slip out of Jay's mouth. It was his first set of words since the meeting outside Dr. Carter's office. The brothers were at that very southern tip of the city, both sitting shoulder to shoulder, watching the waves kick against the thin concrete ledge. Will carefully guided Jay out to this point, ignoring the fact that water instead of solid ground was surrounding him. He was scared out of his mind but knew Jay wouldn't stop halfway. It was right to the edge and nothing else.

"What," Will jokingly replied? His brother's first words had nothing to do with the day but instead some random memory. How very Jay Halstead of him.

"With lakes you're supposed to be able to see the other side, get there in a boat in a small amount of time. Because all of this just goes on forever you'd think it was an ocean. That and the sandy beach it really makes one think it's an ocean instead of a lake. Even in school when we'd do field trips and stuff I was convinced I was right, that everyone else including the teacher was wrong."

"So that's never changed," Will joked, Jay rolling his eyes in disagreement. The two of them resumed their silence, feeling that stiff ever present breeze blast life into them. Lake Shore Drive was but a mere hum at this point, the noise of city life undetectable from here. It was just them and the water, it's calm, tranquilizing motion pulling into an euphoric state.

"Is it wrong that I'm terrified to do anything?"

"No, literally everyone feels like that. If you eat the wrong food or don't work out then you'll get sick again. But it's wrong, especially in your case. It just happens. It's going to take time to get back to a normal place but you'll get there. Everyone does sooner or later." Jay nodded, not entirely buying Will's message but didn't have the energy or desire to fight back.

"Why didn't she get what I got?" Will adjusted in his place, knowing this was coming. He had no clue how to answer this. There wasn't even a starting point in his mind.

"Meaning the result?" Jay nodded, messing with a part of his shirt.

"She fought harder then I did and a lot longer. After all of that she.." Jay trailed off, unable to finish that one.

"I know that you know that that's not how it works. Every case is different. And you also have to account for the fact that it was just her time. She fought as hard as she did for as long as she could. It was just her time. And as much as we miss her she's looking down at you extremely proud right now. If her leaving meant you staying I believe she'd gladly take that." Will looked over to Jay who was now fascinated with the sky, the constant blinking kicking in. It only took a tap on the shoulder for the tears to fall, Will lovingly laughing at his brother as the two of them embraced. He could practically feel the relief and shock melt away, leaving a person who wasn't sure what to do next.

"I'm really proud of you and excited." Jay could only nod against his brother's shoulder.

"Did you tell everyone else yet?" Jay pulled away, shaking his head as he wiped under his eyes.

"No. I'm still trying to believe it myself."

"Jay…"

"I'll tell them. The rest of them are flying back this afternoon and we're all supposed to meet up. I'll tell them then." Will did a quick scan, fully enamored at how different Jay looked and sounded. From head to toe nothing looked and acted how it once was. Things had changed, some things being permanent while others would take some time. Will was fully aware that the knowledge was influencing things, but Jay was different. The question of if he'd return to his former self was yet to be seen. But the loud honking of a boat horn interrupted his racing mind, both of them laughing at the level of their surprised jumps.

"You ready?"

Yeah," Jay replied, getting the depth of the single word as he rose. Jay stood first, keeping his eyes fixed on the skyline. Will followed suit, soon leading the two of them back to land. Moments later both of them were back on the trail, Jay holding Will up with an ever so quiet voice.

"Thanks, Will."

"Huh?!"

"For keeping your word." Will nodded.

"Likewise." Jay shrugged.

"So now what do we do?"

"I don't know. But it's nice to have that free will and uncertainty, right?"

"Definitely."

**Just a small section of things to go. Thank you so, so much for reading this! It's a little bittersweet reaching this part of things. Thank you for coming along this journey with me.**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13- Epilogue

**This is it guys, the very last chapter of this little piece of work. It's heartbreaking to send it out into the world, allow it to just peacefully float through the inner webs. When I first started this journey I was both scared and nervous. Scared because such a difficult and sensitive topic can be met with resistance and dislike, both of which I totally understand. With that daunting and expansive element to this it's easy to be nervous, fearful to mess up or create a large error. But your very sweet comments and messages are what got me through, reaffirmed my belief that difficult topics must be addressed in this world. Pain, suffering, heart ache are very real and a large component of this time on earth. However, spreading things out and discussing them in a sequential order, we can understand, adapt, empathize, and help all of us heal. So thank you, everyone, for allowing me the space to explore, develop, and share. Please know that I am always here. **

**This chapter's song brought me to tears the first time I heard it. I was on vacation when I heard it's perfection. Randomly shuffling music on Apple music brought me to this masterful work of audible art. The title is ****_I'll Get You Home_**** and it is written and performed by By the Coast. Aside from the fact that the instrumental is calming, refreshing, and peaceful, the lyrics are what drove me to tears. In both a literal and metaphysical sense, it's telling someone, or everyone, that you are there for them, no matter what. Whatever comes, good or bad, you are there with them till the very end. There's a particular lyric that really encompasses this entire story: "I'll tell you the truth when I'd rather lie. I'd rather be known than keep it inside. I'll get you home, never leave you alone." Throughout the course of this story, the underlying theme of things was being blunt, telling the facts whether one wanted to hear or say them. For Jay it was about reminding Will and everyone that things would get better, that cancer was happening and they just had to get through it all. For Will and Hailey it was all about telling Jay that he was fine or unwell and just being that physical presence when he wanted to just be alone. This song is about getting someone home, wherever that location is. Home can be literal, home as in a final endpoint, home is making it over that next hurdle. As you read this final installment, remember this; use it as a guide for not just this story, but whatever may come your way. Having said all of this, let's dive in one last time. **

_Several Months Later_

In a simple, stripped down definition, de ja vu means that things, events, moments have already been seen. That as one lives out something the mind races back to another point in time, whispering the truth that this very thing in the present already took place in the past. Sometimes it can mean a dream from last week or following behind the same car two work days in a row. But however, for this particular de ja vu moment, this was an anniversary of sorts, or literally. The day was three hundred sixty-five days after that day. Three hundred sixty-five days of restlessness, physical alteration, blood, sweating, and the unpleasant puke sessions brought things to this momentous day of days. To those who knew the backstory the whole thing was becoming comical. The longer the day went on the more aligned it was with that day. All of them wove and darted their way into work that morning out of avoidance of the rain. The group did their normal routine of jabbing and cracking each other up, talking about sports and personal life as they got situated in their normal positions. It was Voight who broke the festivities and got things down to business, as he always did in his own way. Just as it was those many days ago, a simple search warrant was placed in their laps, just so happening to be at a location west of the city, in a quiet neighborhood. They all rose and climbed into their assumed vehicles, partners riding with partners while the train of seniority had them all traveling in a straight line. Along the way most of them didn't think much of the coincidence, failed to detect that they'd done this commute once before. However it was the silence of Jay that had Hailey concerned, the day suddenly dawning on her.

"Oh my word, has it been.."

"-Yeah." He didn't look over to her, just kept his vision out the window, clicking off the blocks before go time. Just like this day last year Hailey drove, allowing Jay time to ponder.

"Congrats?!" She shrugged her shoulders, completely not sure if it was the correct or inappropriate thing to say.

"Thanks," he jokingly replied back?! The smallest smirk crept across his face, enough to ease whatever shroud of worry Hailey had.

"You also realize we had this same scenario last year."

"Ooohhh that's right. This is getting a little freaky."

"Just a tad." Hailey shook her head, eyes glued to the scene as they pulled up to the location. They were the second car in line, Voight parked the furthest away from the house with Adam and Atwater taking up the rear. As the group climbed out they noted the stillness to the place, the level of dishevel alerting the world that better days were behind.

"You two take the front," Voight whispered to Hailey and Jay as the rest spread out around the perimeter. The two of them nodded, guns drawn as they climbed the front steps one at a time. It was at the third step that a crash came from above, a body thumping against the ground seconds after.

"Chicago PD," Jay shouted as he advanced towards the perp, watching him expectedly ignore the announcement and dart in the direction of the city. From there the de ja vu kept rolling on. Just as he did one year ago Jay wove and darted his way through the once sleepy outskirts of Chicago. The rain from earlier in the morning had diminished into a fine mist, creating varying sizes of puddles and slick patches that slowed the chase down. Shop keepers dove for safety while mothers with strollers zoomed out of the way, clinging to their children as they watched the movie chase scene play out in real life. At the five minute mark things ascended thanks to a random fire escape hanging off a corner building. Unlike the last time, Jay wasn't slowed down by a kick to the body but a basketball size puddle happening to be at the worst place for stair climbing.

Adam radioed to Jay that he was on his six as Jay leapt over the first rooftop, clicking the button twice to let him know he got the message. Everything was about the person in front of him. Noises, weather, people, objects came second to catching the jerk that had the gumption to dare him to a foot race. It became a dance of sorts. Things would begin with a jump, each man stomping the new ground in ten strides before stretching themselves over the vast expanse below and then beginning all over again. It was on the eighth roof top that Jay lost sight of his target. Perhaps it was the glance down at the world under him, or the fact the person ahead could run for eternity, but soon it was just him and the pebble covered rooftop, or so the perp wanted him to believe.

"You see him," Jay whispered in a pant?

"Nothing yet, heading over," Adam remarked as Jay drew his gun, doing the tactical shuffle he'd performed a bazillion times by now. Turns were taken slowly and seriously, every scenario or idea whizzing through the mind before a step was taken. Jay recognized the thud and grunt of Adam arriving at the roof, using a free hand to point him in a direction. It was at the southwest turn that things met their end. Just as what went down a year ago something large, heavy, and damaging swung Jay's way. However, unlike last year, Jay ducked. Smirking at his cat-like reflexes and learned mistakes, Jay waited until the arms of the guy were past him, allowing Jay to football tackle the guy to the ground. A few knee shoves and subtle punches later arms were formed in a criss-cross pattern and cuffs flying out of their place on the belt.

"He's definitely back," Jay heard Adam throw over to Hailey, choosing to smirk in agreement as he hoisted the perp onto his feet.

"Let's go," he ordered him, handing him off to an awaiting officer.

"How are you not even out of breath," Adam protested, encouraging Jay to spin around and address his audience.

"Eh, this was nothing. A nice morning jog." Hailey and Adam rolled their eyes in unison, scoffing that the sassy, cocky, indestructible Jay Halstead was indeed in their presence once again.

"So how do we get out of here?" Hailey pointed to the edge of the roof, Jay now visualizing the rod iron railing and steps that lead to level ground. The three of them worked their way down to the sidewalk, each remaining silent in an effort to let the others mentally catch up. Jay was the first to touch down, stepping out of the way as the other two slinked down the steps, their small jumps to the ground earning grins and chuckles. Hailey offered the driving duties to Jay who accepted, rounding the driver's side of the truck when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

"Yeah," he replied, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Hey, why do you sound winded?"

"How on earth can you detect that?"

"Dude, I'm a doctor. It's kind of my job to pick up on these things." Jay groaned on the other end, keeping his hand on the car door handle.

"So, a year."

"Yeah, kind of crazy to think about. Feels more like ten years ago."

"Time flies, Jay."

"Yeah. So just like a year ago.."

"You didn't."

"I ducked this time." It was Will's turn to groan over the phone.

"Can we try to not make this a yearly habit?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you and I'm excited for you. It's a big day."

"Uh huh. Thanks, Will. Love you."

"Love you too."

"Are we still on for tonight?"

"Barring anything out of the blue I should be off on time."

"Dude, you just jinxed it." Will laughed out loud, making Jay grin in pride that he won the joke battle.

"Whatever. See you tonight."

"Alright, alright. But don't say I didn't warn you."

_Screen fades to black. End credits roll._


End file.
